g be words that follow are to be treated as a message, plea, petition and foremost a proposal, intending to segregate the populace of firemen and all their macho sexiness, from my date, our dates, and the dates of non-heroes in general. Firemen everywhere use their titles to woo themselves into the pants of women, wives and girlfriends of others, only to leave us Average Joes to pick up the scraps from a lust- torn battlefield. This act of injustice must stop, for I am tired of being afraid of taking my date outside just to have her mentally undressed by the eyes of every fireman who happens to pass by. The fireman has forced a sort of subtle dominance over the normal people in our community. This injustice must stop. Your local fireman may be a hero but he is also a malicious being abusing his macho, sexy title and body to wedge himself between dates, lovers and partners everywhere. Thus, it is only fair that firemen in general must be banned from society (except when there is a fire) into the deep forest of the hills or under the sea, so that peace and fairness may reign again. Who would make such a claim? I would, and I do so on behalf of the people. I am not particularly special; I floss and bathe like any other member of this community. I pay my taxes, perhaps less than others or more than others. I am your typical guy. Thus, what I have to say is relevant to Average Joes everywhere. To all the Joes with less than perfect bodies, whose minds may not be beautiful but are good and working just the same. We, the Joes, are not necessarily overly handsome, charming or carrying a bag full of wit in our pockets. But we still pay our taxes and give a damn about our local sports team (most of the time). We have worked too damn hard to get our dates to like us and we will be damned if we fall victim to the women-stealing wiles of the fireman anymore. Today, I feel the need to attack firemen, not because I consider them poor civil servants, but because of their devious and diabolical intent in our social scene. Their presence can be felt everywhere and anywhere, from a cafe to a nightclub. Yes, when they’re “on duty” firemen are great; they save babies from burning buildings, they save our homes from blazes, and most often they are the first ones to a car crash, offering a helping hand. But where else should they offer this helping hand of theirs? Not to our dates, i not to the girlfriends of not-so heroic peoples. Not to the girls of Average Joes. We are deserving of a kinder place, a kind of Utopia. But before we shall see any Utopia, change must first arrive. To do so, we must rid the world of the bad. Firemen aren’t here to serve and protect and __ 4 give helping hands; they are here to help themselves. © I believe, especially when I am on acid or watching late night TV, that the typical fireman is in fact only saving us to lure us into a false sense of security and friendship so that they may steal our dates. Yes, I dare say all their heroic antics and kind gestures are just a ploy to save women everywhere so they may bed them. Darwin, father of evolution, and promoter of the concept “survival of the fittest,” believes it to be only right that the ____ sperm of only the biggest and best dominate and impregnate. If you haven’t caught my drift yet, Joe, I am saying that under __ Darwinism, law and the reality of nature, your local fireman is legitimately _ entitled to make a pass at your girl. We have all heard stories in the news about how firemen have risked their lives for us. I would never be so daring or stupid as to say, “thanks for nothing,” for their contributions are admirable and respectable. Without firefighters there would surely be more burn victims. But there exists another type of burn victim; this victim was Utopias have neither fires nor firemen 5, ses:asa0 a friend of mine. He was not scarred physically but emotionally; he was reduced to tears by an off-duty firefighter. The attack is commonly referred to as a “cock blocking,” when one penis infringes on another penis’ territory. The action of a “cock block” within itself is an attack on another’s social sphere and private liberty. It is when this attack is done by a firefighter, however, who supposedly exists “to serve and protect” (or is that cops? Don’t even get me started on cops...) that the result is a burn victim. My friend last weekend joined a long list other burn victims, for many good normal people, Average Joes lose their dates to the muscle and sexual intoxication that belongs to any off-duty firefighter. My friend and his girlfriend no longer leave the house unless he is certain that the coast is clear of any peril, any firefighters. Malicious attacks like these must be stopped. By god, where is the justice? My local hero isn’t actually trying to save my community; he is trying to impregnate it. Our local heroes are not only licensed to save lives but are seemingly welcome to steal, take, grab, tickle, touch, grind, nipple twist, pinch and pilfer any girl in the community they so choose, including your girl, or worse yet, my girl. But how far will our local fireman take this liberty of Darwin’s to rape and pillage? I say no further! I propose an act of segregation of firemen everywhere, in which we, the people, the non-heroes, the Average Joes, will band together and fight together for fairness so that future generation may grow up comfortable knowing that just because their bodies can’t occupy a calendar, they are still entitled to a date. We shall create a Utopia where the laws are rewritten for the sake of justice, banning fireman from the night life (except when there is a fire) and certain social gatherings (except when there is a fire), and women in general (it’s too risky to even consider the lengthening of the leashes on nature’s most diabolical sexing machines). In my Utopia, firemen shall be fat, ugly and barred from the social scene, making the date of any average Joe safer. However, in reality, Utopias don’t have fires, and I don’t necessarily believe firemen should be banned from women in general... just my girl. 11