Canada prepares to accept American refugees > Come November, streets likely to be flooded with exotic southerners Rebecca Peterson Staff Writer s the political climate in the United States of America becomes fraught with uncertainty and danger, communities across Canada are preparing to welcome an influx of American refugees this fall. Currently, these disenfranchised peoples from the south face the very real possibility of a complete democratic collapse, and are looking for shelter amidst the open and welcome arms of the First World. “Well, I’ve just got to wonder how they'll fit in here,” said community worker Frances Delaware as she prepared a recreation centre with sleeping bags and food rations to welcome the fleeing Americans. “The world they come from is so unimaginably primitive—no universal health care, everyone’s got a weapon, and apparently even with the threat of a Dorito-faced Mussolini as a presidential nominee, their biggest worry is which washroom a transgender person uses? I just don’t know how they'll adjust.” Meanwhile, there have been protests and large pushbacks against the welcoming of American refugees. “They're just here to steal our jobs, at the very least,” said protestor Caribou Jack, “but you gotta look at the values they’re bringing over the border, too. I’m sure there are peaceful Americans out there, but at its core, America is a violent country. You know, they're killing each other down there. What’s to say they won't do the same up here?” It’s true that Canadian values differ largely from those in the south. Written into America’s very constitution is an amendment encouraging Americans to take up arms against each other, something many Americans seem incredibly keen to protect. Even while mass shootings become a near-daily Instant Reviews > When you don’t have the time for full reviews Jerrison Oracion Senior Columnist here were a lot of summer films released this year. Some of them were surprise hits and some of them were... not. With so many to choose from, and so much written about them, you may not have enough time to find out about them. Here are quick- hitter reviews of some of those summer blockbusters. Captain America: Civil War: Mixed opinions about it. Finding Dory: It is shiner than the first film. The BFG: It has Roald Dahl dialogue. Magical. The Secret Life of Pets: Great jokes, OK story. Ghostbusters: Reinvented. Looked like Spy. Star Trek Beyond: Star Trek meets Fast and Furious. Jason Bourne: If you did not see the first four films (even the fourth film), you will have no idea what is going on. Café Society: Woody Allen remembering stuff. Independence Day: Resurgence: If you liked the first film, you will be disappointed. The Purge: Election Year: It made The Purge look good, and it was not good. Me Before You: Depends if you like this type of film. Central Intelligence: Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart at their finest. Lights Out: The next Paranormal Activity. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows: You have to see the first film first. Money Monster: Watch if you want to learn about the US economy. Train to Busan: The South Korean version of World War Z. occurrence in the United States, their politicians seem reluctant to put any kind of restrictions on access to weaponry. Protestors this side of the border cite lax security measures on the part of the Canadian government as a danger to all Canadians. One refugee from America, however, sees their people very differently. “We're not all like that, you know,’ said John Smith, eyeing the lines of protestors at the border nervously. “In fact, most of us arent. A lot of us want better gun control, and don’t want Donald ‘Good people don’t go into government’ Drumpf as our president. You can't boil an entire society down to our worst and most violent members.” Whatever the feelings of the Canadian people on the matter, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has promised to receive at least 10,000 American refugees in just a few months. Hopefully our country will be ready. Unintentionally inappropriate vintage ads Nothing says fun like potential brain damage mH Melania Trump's speechwriter found to be graduate of Trump University > Reports state that plagiarism was ‘touched on’ in speech writing class Chandler Walter Humour Editor Li has finally been shed on the mechanics that led to Melania Trump’s Republican National Convention speech mimicking that of Michelle Obama’s in 2008. After weeks of deny, deny, deny, a reporter has uncovered how exactly such an obviously plagiarised speech was formed. In a hidden microphone interview, an unidentified speechwriter on the Trump campaign admitted to an undercover reporter (who must remain nameless) exactly why the aspiring first lady’s speech was so obviously copied. “That was simply how | learned speeches were written,” the speechwriter said. “Back in my time at Trump University we were told that it was simply easier to use things that were already written. We also were told that people are dumb, and they like to hear words and sentences that they are familiar with, rather than new—and therefore scary—ideas.” He also said that he graduated with a masters in speechwriting after only two years and a few hundred thousand dollars, and was instantly recruited onto the Trump campaign team. “It was kind of weird actually,” the speechwriter said. “It was like my entire time in school was grooming me to work for Trump. I wanted to be an engineer, but all that the school offered was speechwriting and business classes. We touched on plagiarism a little bit in class—I remember something about how it’s okay as long as you don’t get caught? And then even that’s okay as long as you don’t admit that you got caught. It was all very weird.” While he admits that the speeches were similar in overall structure, sentences, and words, he was adamant that what was written was not at all copied from Michelle Obama’s speech. ier “Listen, okay, it’s not like we just copy and pasted Michelle’s speech word for word or anything, alright? There were a lot of different words in there. A few ‘and’s here and there, a few ‘um’s. It’s a completely different speech.” News outlets have recently been having a field day with the story, though no word has yet been heard from Donald Trump’s campaign on the matter. Many Republican senators are scrambling, denying the very idea that anything was copied, and coming up with more and more outrageous explanations for the definition of plagiarism. NEWS UPDATE: We have confirmation that Donald Trump has come out with a statement on Twitter regarding his wife’s speech earlier today: “Melania’s beautiful speech may, or may not, have been a copy of Michelle’s, but who cares lol, I’m still gonna be president. LOSERS.”