It was a dark and stormy night. He
cooly adjusted the collar upwards on
his genuine polyester imitation gray
flannel raincoat, and pulled his hat
well over his eyes to avoid the
oncoming rain. (The raincoat and hat
being the trademark of all famous
New York detectives). He calculated
with some precision the distance
between his office and the stairs
leading to the street below. ‘‘This
stairway is sure dark,’’ he thought to
himself as he rhythmically walked
down the stairs. Tripping at the
bottom he-remembered absentmind-
edly that he was still wearing his
Foster Grant original photo-sensitive
sunglasses. _Momentarily removing
them to find the doorknob, he casually
sauntered out onto the sidewalk.
Pausing for a moment, he collected
his bearings and heading in the
direction which had the most building
overhangs.

As he passed the Mac’s Donuts his
mind was racing over. the events of
the day, but the intoxicating aroma of
the doughnut shop distracted him.
Briefly inhaling the sweet odor, he
took a quick calculated glance inside
(the way only detectives are able to
do). Rows and rows of cream, choco-
late, and speckled doughnuts greeted
him through the window. Pausing for
just a brief moment - such pleasures,
he thought were for lesser men - and
he ‘conbnued on down the street.

Blackcomb .
December 1

$25 depos

 

group rate for lift passes

The Other Press

Ace Parker

He leaned up against the side of the
building, fumbling for a smoke. His
one went back to the events of the

ay

It was about 9:30 in the morning of
the twenty - fifth. | had just finished
reading yesterday’s New York Times
for the second time. It seems the kid
who delivers the newspaper delivers
the same one tow days in a row to
remind me that | still owe him on last

month’s subscription. This reminds~

me that | haven’t had a case in weeks.
| look up at the picture of the
President stuck on the bulletin board.
The picture is filled with dart holes.
It’s time for a new picture, or better
still time for a new president.

And then... Baam! Baam! A terrific
knock on the door jolts me. | couldn’t
have been daydreaming. Getting up |
trip over the garbage can. Baam!
Baam! The door rattles again. | could
see the outline of a person behind the
fogged glass of my office door. | open
the door steadily without overdue
cautious passiveness, as only detect-
ives can. There before my eyes stood
a pretty dame. She had on one of
those stylish hats with two feathers on
the side, a dimple or beauty mark on
her left cheek. 1 couldn’t help but
notice. her fashionable white and
yellow dress. She grabs my arm and
says ‘‘Are you Ace Parker, famous
New York detective?2’’ | quickly glance
at my door to make sure =the sign on it

   

‘

Tod Mountain
January 18 and 19
Only $115 We need your
it Bey the end of November
Membership fee | !'5, New Members welcome!!!

Se more = contact Marcus 4384-3577 or
_ Dave 420-9389

 

was mine. It is.

“Yes,’’ | said.

“You've got to help me,’’ she
blurted. But, | already had noticed
that she needed help. She was still
gripping my arm.

“’Step- inside my office where we
won't be overheard.”’

She appeared to be quite shaken
up as | motioned for her to sit down in
the chair in front of my desk. | noticed
that she wore no jewelry, save for a
white beaded necklace. Detectives are
always ones for details.

“You've got to help me,’’ she
repeated, as | took my usual chair
behing the desk, trying to fight the
involuntary impulse to put my feet on
It.

‘“Now how can | be of help to you
Miss...2’’ | said with a slight Bogart
accent. Every New York detective has
a little Bogart in him.

“It’s Marilyn West,’’ she replied.
‘But it’s John, he’s been missing two
days and you've got to find him!’’ She
spoke in such rapid succession that |
was just able to catch all of it.

“Slow down, Sweetheart...,’’ |
said. ‘‘Start from the beginning.”’

‘‘Well,’” she paused. | could see
her collecting her thoughts.

‘‘Yohn and | were to be married
tomorrow, but he went missing two

days ago. The police said he might’

have gotten cold feet and skipped
town,’’ she said.

| couldn’t believe that though, this
dame was too cute to run away from.

‘But, | knew John wouldn’t do
that... he’s too cute,’’ she said.

| had an idea that the Russians
might have gotten him. We usually
blame them for all our missing
persons. Who knows, maybe they’re
keeping them in their embassy’s
basement. | didn’t say anything be-
cause | didn’t want to scare her.

And then she said, ‘‘! thought
maybe the Russians got him or
something but | didn’t want to say
anything about it to you, thinking that
you might pes scared and not take the
Case

 

 

November 22, 1985 page 13

oe Famous New York Detective

It was then that the phone rang. |
answered it.

‘“Yes2’’ There was no introduction.
The voice at the other end said ‘‘Meet
me at the cafe right away.’’ But | had
never heard of the cafe Right Away so.
| suggested one that | knew.

‘OK, be there in 5 minutes!’” The
line went dead.

‘| think I’ve got a tip on the case,”’
| said. ‘‘Where can | reach you?’’

‘““At the Queen’s Hotel... oh, are
you going to take the case2’’

She thanked me as | let her out the
door.
When | got to the Blueberry Cafe |

forgot to remove my sunglasses and

tripped over the first step. No way to
make an entrance, | thought, as |.
straightened my raincoat and hat and
headed to the nearest table. Sam, the
Bartender hands me a note. It read
‘If you value your life you’d get off

the case.’’ No way, | thought. Us New
York detectives work best against
danger.

It’s been a year now since that
dame first came into my office. The
case turned out to be a real tough
one. It was especially tough when |
questioned people if they had seen
John; they’d just point in the general
direction. of the nearest bathroom.
The note in the cafe turned out to be
for some other detective, some guy
called Mike Hammer. Who ever he is.
| had thought that maybe a fascist
government in South America evened
a score with him but this turned out
wrong.

Then | read in the paper a couple of
days ago that two old ladies held him
hostage for months. It seems John, a
door-to-door encyclopedia salesman
had spilled some tea on their carpet
and they couldn’t get the stain out.
Oh, yes | should add that Miss West
is now a Mrs; She ran off with the
milkman the next day. It seems that
she had to be married before her
twenty-first birthday or else she
wouldn’t receive her uncle’s estate.

This only goes to prove that you can’t
trust..a smiling milkman