Arts & Entertainment Amanda Aikman Culture Editor 4Reek & Roll What's your favourite song? Ever been asked that? Sure you have, so how do you respond? Do you have a stock answer, long ago decided upon, that is sure to get the job done—something from the Velvet Underground or Sonic Youth camp per- haps? Do you rack your brain for some obscure, music-geek elitist answer that will wow the asker and everyone in earshot? Or, do you draw a blank and eventual- ly just blurt out the first song title that comes to mind, which unfortunately usually turns out to be “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd? Those are all fine options (except per- haps that last one) but what I propose is that you turn the table on the asker. After all, chances are they are simply being a pompous nerd and trying to gauge your hipnosity by judging you on your response. Either that, or they aren't really listen- ing to your answer, because they only asked you in the first place as an excuse for telling you their favourite song. Which, in their mind, will be infinitely more cool and impressive than anything you could ever come up with anyway. So, what I suggest is that you counter their question with another question. Ask them what their “least” favourite song is. And then be prepared to come back at them with the coup de gras of stinkers, the best worst song of all time. Hit them with a little Celine Dion/Right Said Fred one-two punch and they'll be running home with their copy of MOJO between their legs faster than you can pull out your piéce de résis- tance—the Emerson, Lake & Palmer cat- alogue. Of course I realize that you, like me, have such refined and immaculate taste that you may find wading through the musical dredges in search of coals amongst the diamonds to be a challeng- ing or offensive undertaking. Luckily for us, someone else has already done the dirty work. The May issue of Blender magazine, features a “50 Worst Songs Ever” article that will serve as a handy-dandy guide in your new quest of beating the cool kids 18 | OtherPress at their own game. Based on the magazine’s stringent crite- ria for evaluation, the article lists 50 of the lamest tunes out there. According to Blender, “Some [of the songs] have crap- tastic melodies. Others are wretchedly performed. And quite a few don’t make any sense whatsoever.” So who won the biggest loser award? That particular dishonour went to Starship’s “We Built This City.” Blender editor Craig Marks says of the song, “It purports to be anti-commercial but reeks of 80s corporate-rock commercialism. It’s a real reflection of what practically killed rock music in the 80s.” Rounding out the rest of the “bottom- ten” list were: 10. “Ebony and Ivory,” by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder 9.“American Life,” by Madonna 8.“Party All the Time,” by Eddie Murphy 7.“Don't Worry, Be Happy,” by Bobby McFerrin 6. “The Heart of Rock & Roll,” by Huey Lewis & The News 5.“Ice Ice Baby,” by Vanilla Ice 4.“Rollin’,” by Limpbizkit 3.“Everybody Have Fun Tonight,” by Wang Chung 2.“Achy Breaky Heart,” by Billy Ray Cyrus If that doesn’t satisfy your Rot & Roll ° needs, you can see the other 40 duds— which includes the likes of Ricky Martin, Bette Midler, Ja Rule, and Uncle Kracker—by checking out the May issue of Blender. Once you are fully armed with your newfound bad-music information, it is time to go forth and conquer. Start slow- ly, by practicing on neighbourhood kids and panhandlers, and when you're ready get out there and hit the big leagues— coffee shops, record stores, art galleries— wherever the hipsters congregate, so too shall you. Sure, they might know all about the latest reissue of the European import of Cap’n Cool’s sister's, bartender’s, cousin’s acoustic side project, but how many of them can toss out Toad the Wet Sprocket and Manowar references with any real air of authority? That’s what I thought.. Go get’em tiger. May 200 Culture Clips Amanda Aikman Culture Editor Robert Downey Jr. Wastes no Time The ink hasn't even dried on the April 26th divorce papers filed by Downey Jr., and he’s already picking out china patterns with his new fiancé. Downey Jr. has been mar- ried to actress-singer Deborah Falconer since 1992, and the couple has one child together. Next up at the altar is producer Susan Levin, who Downey Jr. met while making the 2003 stinker Gothika. Yeah sure, he gets a wife out of it, what about the rest of us? Don’t we deserve a little com- pensation for being subjected to that cinematic tripe? I’m not ready to commit to marriage or anything yet, but I make it a practice never to say no to diamonds. Britney Cuts in with Someone Else’s Dance Partner Paparazzi recently caught Ms. Spears frolicking on the beaches of Santa Monica with dancer Kevin Federline, who had per- formed onstage with Spears in 2000. It turns out Federline has a girlfriend, a pregnant girlfriend, who did not appreciate seeing pictures of her boyfriend cavorting in the sand with the princess of pop. Coincidentally, this isn’t the first time this has hap- pened to Spears. Last year she was caught in a com- promising position with dancer Columbus Short. Short also had a girlfriend, and yes—she was preg- nant as well. What's the deal with all these dancers cheating on their pregnant girlfriends? No really, arent they all supposed to be gay? Nothing Says Romance like Statutory Rape Nicholas Cage has reportedly proposed to 19-year-old waitress Alice Kim. The couple met when Kim was Cage’s server at a Los Angeles . sushi restaurant. Apparently, before leaving the restaurant he asked her to accom- pany him to the Oscars and she accepted. Wow, that sounds like the premise of a lame movie starring Nicholas Cage...