humour / 22

Ask Dolly

» Life advice from country music legend,

Dolly Parton

Brittney MacDonald
Staff Writer

Dear Dolly, what do
you do when people
judge you because

of your looks?

I’m not offended by all the
dumb blonde jokes because

I know I’m not dumb—I
also know I’m not a blonde.

Dear Dolly, should I
change my major?

I want to go and go, and then
drop dead in the middle of
something I love to do. And if
that doesn’t happen, if I wind
up sitting in a wheelchair, at
least I’ll have my high heels
on.

Dear Dolly, people
say I wear too much
makeup, what
should I do?

Tell ‘em “It costs a lot of
money to look this cheap.”

Dear Dolly, my student
loan debt is going to be
crazy. ShouldItakea
semester off to work?
Working 9-5 ain't a bad

way to makea living.

Dear Dolly, what
should] look out for?
My weaknesses have

always been food and
men—in that order.

Dear Dolly, how can
limprove my
self-esteem?

If I see something sagging,
bagging, or dragging, I'll get it
nipped, tucked, or sucked.

Dear Dolly, how can
Ibe more like you?

I modelled my looks
on the town tramp.

Dear Dolly, what do you
say when people tell you
to stop being such a girl,
and get ready faster?

It’s a good thing I was borna girl,
otherwise I'd bea drag queen.

Dear Dolly, how
are you So positive
all the time?

People say I look so happy—
and I say “that’s the Botox.”

Dear Dolly, should

Igo on a diet?

I’ve tried every diet in the
book. I’ve tried some that
weren't in the book. I’ve tried
eating the book; it tasted
better than most of the diets.

Dear Dolly, I don't
keep up with foreign
politics, how can I
fake it so] can look
smart in public?
People are always asking me
in interviews, “What do you

think of foreign affairs?” I
just say, “I’ve hada few.”

Dear Dolly, what
do you do when
you're depressed?
When | feel low, I put on

my favourite high heels
to stand a little taller.

Dear Dolly, how

do you deal with

all the haters?

If anybody tells you your hair
is too big, get rid of them.

You don't need that kind
of negativity in your life.

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