OPINIONS

B Sides: Seals’ Fate Sealedby New Study

Brandon Ferguson, Complete Fucking Liar

 

THURSDAY NIGHT
| STUDENT NIGHT

At Brooklyn Pub
(250 Columbia St.)

 
   

\\1/2 Price appy’s between

tin \\ 4-8 pm
$5.50 Double Highballs
$1 Shooters
$12 Pitchers of Canadian!

     

 

A new study released by the Department of Ethical Arctic and Transatlantic Hunts has
found a shocking fact about seals and, specifically, seal pups: They’re not cute.

In a month long period in 2005, 498 seals and seal pups were observed acting in a
“lewd, crude, and most definitely rude manner,” says the two-page report. “Instances of
public drunkenness, spousal abuse, unprotected sex, and even smoking while pregnant

 

 

were rampant. Most of them simply lounged around like your common pot-head—the
very definition of undesirable.”

Dr. C.L. Hunt, the author of the study, elaborated, “What this study does is prove that
seals are, in fact, ugly creatures. Their so-called adorable antics are simply a show put on
for the cameras, the public, and Paul McCartney and his wife.”

“This study shows that McCartney and Heather Mills-McCartney, who have spoken
out against the seal hunt and it’s ‘cruelness’, no longer have a leg to stand on.”

When asked if he was aware that Mills-McCartney has only one leg, Dr. Hunt replied:
“Yes. That’s why it’s funny.” =

Environmentalists were foaming at the mouth when asked to comment on the study.

“It’s completely and totally an absolute and utter ideologically pragmatic and indefensi-
bly horrendous paper of untruths and lies and junk,” said PETA spokeswoman, and
1870s sexpot, Brigit Bardot. Asked to elaborate, Ms. Bardot remarked: “I eat babies, yam
yum yum. I eat babies, just for fun.”

Dr. Hunt was neither surprised nor impressed by PETA's response.

“Environmentalists have been blindly championing the caue of cuteness for decades,”
he said. “But where’s the Save the Spiders, or Save the Crocodiles campaigns?”

Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams, who recently sparred with the McCartney tri-
pod on CNN’s Larry King Live, said that public opinion is shifting in favour of the seal
hunt, now that the “brave” seal hunters are getting their message out.

“For years, groups like PETA have repeatedly beaten the public over the head with
their inflammatory rhetoric,” he said, “and after a few good whacks, the public gets turned
off and the lights go out.” -

Dr. Hunt agrees and feels that’s why the study will finally turn the tide in the seal
hunters’ favour.

“Here we have indisputable evidence of seals’ unattractiveness. Now is the time to
come together in the spirit of healing and brotherhood, recognize that seals aren’t cute,
have a nip of cider, and go knock a seal or two over the noggin.”

“Tt’s the humane, Canadian thing to do.” By JJ McCullough

Note to editor: plz don’t run this cartoon
till I have time to add the labels, or it
woh’t make any SenSe to the readers.