What your Mario Kart main says about you > Unpacking the complex characters of the Mario world Jessica Berget Contributor Mario If you pick Mario as your main you either hate yourself or you are very, very boring. Mind- numbingly-boring. Mario is the vanilla milkshake of the group. He’s often the centre of attention, even though there’s nothing particularly special about him. If Mario was a person, he would be one of those guys you always see at parties, but when you finally talk to him, all he does is make sexist jokes and lecture you for 30 minutes about how good the movie Fight Club was. Mario is definitely the missionary position of all Mario Kart characters. Luigi Hello tall, dark, and handsome. You are a certified hunk with a rebellious streak anda total underdog. You possess a sensitive side that only few have seen with a seductive air of mystery to you. You always leave people wanting more, and you know what they say about the size of a man’s overalls... Princess Peach Slutty and proud. If Peach is your main, you are a loud and proud sex-positive feminist. It’s hard not to be when you think about all the cruel names you were subject to when choosing Peach in Mario Kart | as a kid (because misogyny is deeply ingrained into our society). When you are not writing sex-positive feminist prose or reading bell hooks, you are probably sucking some Donkey Kong dong. Get it girl! Bowser “Complete anarchists” is the only way to describe people who choose Bowser. You bring chaos and destruction with you wherever you go, especially the racetrack. You most likely listen to a lot of jazz metal or German screamo and own at least two chokers. Your main hobbies are starting mosh pits in grocery stores (they always play such bangin’ tunes there), shopping at Hot Topic, and reading The Communist Manifesto. Well done, comrade. Donkey Kong Despite your rough, primal nature, you are known as a snazzy dresser rarely seen without wearing a tie (no one has to know it’s a clip-on). Your passion for fashion and comedic timing make you a hit in any social scenario and it doesn’t hurt that you can play some mean bongos. When you're not seducing people to the soothing sounds of the bongo youre probably lifting barrels at the gym. Power up, bro! Wario You are not a good person, and nobody likes you. I hate to break it to you but it’s the truth. Your too-tight overalls and maniac laughter tend to make a lot of people uncomfortable. If you actually prefer Wario as your main you may need to stop and reconsider some ‘Tf there's no price tag, does that mean it’s free?’ and other amazing jokes > A new novel chock full of never-before heard customer humour to hit the stores next Monday Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor (€Tlike to think of myself as a comedian first, anda customer second,” said author Ivan Jackash, in an exclusive interview with the Other Press this past weekend. His new book, a compilation of jokes to tell minimum-wage workers while paying for goods, is set to be published next week. “I’ve just been perfecting my humour at clothing and grocery stores over the years, as well as a few cafés. I never dreamed it would get me this far.” Jackash is self-described as “easily likable, extremely affable, and considerate.” His favourite hobby is going into stores of all kinds during their busiest hours, and whiling away the time with the cashiers by exchanging puns. “You can tell they love it, and that’s my favourite part,” said Jackash. “You know, there'll be this huge line, only one kid on duty, and you can tell it’s really stressing them out. So | like to give them a little break from the madness. Man, sometimes I'll be there for up to 10 minutes, telling them jokes they’ve never heard before. Like Pll say to a grocery clerk packing my groceries, ‘Hey, it’s like Tetris! Or sometimes Pll get baristas with a little, ‘Thanks a latte!’ Which, by the way, pro-tip! Baristas always love it when you order something off the Secret Menu. It’s like a little adventure for them, an extra challenge.” “We don’t love it,” said barista Chev Dutchman, a dead- eyed young woman featured in Jackash’s book. “Don’t do that. We also don’t love how long the line gets when someone’s standing at the till telling bad jokes instead of paying for his shit and moving along. Good customer service means we have to laugh, but I don’t feel like laughing. Not anymore. Not after getting yelled at by angry customers and angry managers for the delay while that guy walks off feeling so proud of his clever knock-knock jokes. And now he’s set to make thousands of dollars off my misery. When does it end?” “It’s never gonna end,” concluded Jackash cheerily, when asked by the Other Press. “I’ve got way more jokes Photo illustration by Mike LeMieux. of your life choices, or get some help. Next time you find yourself choosing Wario you may want to ask yourself: have I truly suffered? Is this really the kind of life I want to lead? Toad Sweet, pure, too good for this world, like a freshly baked cinnamon roll. People who choose the gender ambiguous Toad are terrific friends with a dark, competitive side. In a world riddled with chaos and destruction (also known as Rainbow Road) you are the only one not screaming curse words at the TV screen or smashing your controller. People who choose Toad are the best people you will ever know. Protect them at all costs. But also beware of them on the track, because they'll kick your ass. Yoshi Yoshi players are sassy and adorable, but tend to be a bit quiet and shy in social situations. They try to stay on the safe side both in real life and in Mario Kart (which explains why Moo Moo Farm is their favourite track). When youre not helping a friend out of a jam, you're most likely knitting themselves some sweater vests, or entertaining a party with your egg-laying skills. You wouldn't want to get ona Yoshi player’s bad side, though. They will eat you alive and spit you back out again, literally and figuratively. Image via thinkstock up my sleeve, just you wait. Expect to see me in a Starbucks or Mark’s Work Warehouse near you! I'll be the one at the front of a long, long line.”