The “Other” News

“Salty” Liam Britten
saltyliam@ gmail.com

 

 

Safeway Brand Quiche is the Only
Analogy for Area Man’s Love Life

“Salty”

Liam Britten
resident all-star

 
    
 

COQUITLAM,BC — Whileeating dinner
last night, area man Eric Sun, 28, realized
that his entire love life was as uneven
and inconsistent as the store-bought
quiche he was eating at that moment.

“I had just started eating it,
when I realized how plain my love life
was,” Sun told The Other Press. “Just
egg and cream, how interesting can that
be? It really reminded me of Karen.”

The woman he referred to,
Karen Chan, 30, was his last girlfriend;
they dated for about four months.
Chan was one. woman in the series
of somewhat brief relationships Sun
has been in over the course of the past
three years ever since he broke up with
long-time girlfriend Jacqui Stedman
in 2004. He began recalling Jacqui

as he bit into particularly satisfying
chunk of bacon within the quiche.

“Jacqui! Now there was.a girl,”
he said. “Beautiful, smart, nice, .and she
was SO grown up, you know? We parted
on really good terms, and it’s really
rare to do that after you’ve been with
someone for three years. But we were
just really cool about it, and now I guess
we hook up now and then when we’re
both not with anyone. It’s more than
the sex and stuff, it’s good to be with
someone who really knows you. Maybe
she’s not with anyone right now...”

However, Sun’s hopes for a
future with Jacqui were dashed when
he was unable to find any more bacon
within the piece of quiche he was
eating. Worse yet, he suffered a horrible
setback at the center of the dish: his
microwave had failed to heat the entire
dish thoroughly, leaving the center of
the quiche cold and miserable—just as
Sun knew his love life would become.

“Aw, who am I kidding? I'll
never replace Jacqui,” Sun moaned.
“She was the greatest, and now look
what I’m left with! I’m the loneliest
man on the planet, and she was the

best thing to ever happen to me.”

After a half hour of painful
moaning and lamenting, Sun mustered
the courage to get back into the quiche-
eating game, despite his painful rejection.
He redoubled his efforts, turned his
microwave to high, and finally discovered
what love is really about: warm quiche.

“I guess my love life isn’t
uninteresting, it’s more an example of
something that’s common to us all,” Sun
mused. “After all, I guess we all kind of
think of our love life in the same way. We

 

could all use more juicy, smoky passion
in our lives, just like we all could use
more juicy, smoky bacon in our quiche.
And we need our love lives to be warm
and caring when we get to the heart of
it, not cold, indifferent and semi-frozen.
And most of all, we just want someone
to choose us above all others. After all,
deep down, we’re all just egg-based
dishes in Safeway wrappers waiting for
someone to pick us out, and it would be
horrible to be left on the shelf past our
expiry dates.”

 

Mysterious
Tear Down

By “Salty” Liam Britten

NUWEIBA, EGYPT—Facing
increasing pressure from Israel,
residents of Gaza have torn down a
wall separating the Gaza Strip from
Egypt, and poured into the Sinai desert.

The wall was thought to be
impregnable, until Hamas gunmen
tore it down on Wednesday. They were
led by a mysterious red
figure known for his
battle cry of “Oh Yeah!”
Palestinians have dubbed
the mystery mujahideen

“Khoul aid-Mahn.”
The strange
figure has not been

identified, but he has been
described as six feet tall
and very wide, with a
large face, and according
some sources “was totally x-treme [sic].”

Amial Tarazi, a 28-year
old secretary from Gaza City saw
the mysterious stranger firsthand.

“He was not like the other
militants, he was not doing it in the
name of Jihad like the others,” she
told The Other Press. “He said that
for him it was all about ‘extreme
flavour’ and ‘thirst quenchtitude.’”

eae

“Gunmen took
to the street,
chanting ‘Dig
it!’ and ‘Oh
Yeah!”

Red Man Helps Gaza Residents

Border Wall

As a result of the breach, Gaza
residents have been able to get much
needed medical supplies. and other
staples for the first time in weeks. Many
Gazans are desperately poor as a result
of continued aggression from Israel, but
thanks to the appearance of aid-Mahn,
new wealth is being seen on the strip.
; “T finally have some
money to buy food for
my family!” said Manal
Abu Shamalla, 37. “The
mysterious stranger,

has given me these
coupons to buy things!
He called them “Kool-
Aid. Points,” and said
that if I collect 1000,
I will get a personal
player!”

Although the mysterious

stranger disappeared after the wall was
broken through, his influence is still being
felt throughout the Strip. Hamas gunmen
took to the street, chanting “Dig it!” and
“Oh Yeah!” New brigades of militants
have sprung up, with such names as the
Mountain Berry Punch Martyrs, and the
WarriorsofSoarin’ Strawberry Lemonade.

cassette

by the grace of God, .

 

Defense
Shlomo

Israeli
spokesman
recently spoken to reporters about

Ministry
Dror has
the new leader of the Gazans.

“We don’t really know who this
‘Khoul aid-Mahn is, what he stands for,
where he’s from, or what he’s trying to

accomplish. We don’t even know if he’s
a threat,” Dror told reporters. “That said,
he is on the Gazan side of the fence, so
rest assured, we will eliminate him with
as many tanks and car bombs as we deem
necessary.”