Broad’s Eye View

 

© ‘itherpress >>> OPINIONS

J.ALL
OP Columnist

So this is it. The last Broad’s Eye View of my twenties. On July 16th | turn
thirty and | am dealing with it in my own special way. First, | would like to
point out two facts that will be reflected in this month’s column: It’s summer
and | am old. “Yes, and?” you may wonder and you may even ask, “What
does this mean to me?” To which | would naturally respond, “Who gives a
shit about you? Get your own column.”

Actually that is how the twenty-nine-year-old me would respond. The
mature thirty-year-old grudgingly chooses to open the dialogue between
myself and the reader. What | mean is that during the hot summer months
we want everything to be light and easy—including our reading. So I’m giv-
ing you light and easy. I’m going to respond to reader mail. I'm not shitting
you—there really are a few sad creatures that not only read my drivel, but
take the time to send me email. And since | literally have only a few days
remaining of my twenties, | have better things to do than sit here and write
scads of copy. Bottom line: For once | just don’t feel like going on and on
about myself so I’m going against my better judgment and allowing you, the
reader, to expound a bit. Besides, this email | received only a few days ago
iS SO poignant and timely | had to share it with you all. Here goes:

Hello JAL,

| admit | only decided to read B.E.V. because of the huge picture of the
woman in the short skirt. Is that you? | like your writing, and you sound
pretty hot. Are you? | am a student here and | like older women. You wrote
that you are older than [sic] 28, but younger than 30—so | guess you are
29. Will you tell me when you are 30, | have never had a 30-year-old and |
think they're [sic] awesome. | am 23 and | don’t believe you can’t teach old
dogs new tricks. Would you give me a shot?

Keep writing and I'll keep reading!

TJ (email address withheld)

p.s. | don’t even mind spaces in teeth!

Oh dearest TJ, thank you so much for writing! Yes of course that is an illus-
tration of me, | sat for that portrait for hours—t still have the ink stains on my
panties to prove it. And rest assured, | really am hot—! turn myself on so
much | can barely make it out of bed in the morning. | don’t know what
intrigues me more about you—your youthfulness or your math skills. | AM
twenty-nine, if only for a few more days and I’m taking this opportunity to let
you know of my impending birthday, as | am eager for you to teach this gap-
toothed, old dog some of those tricks you alluded to. We should definitely
hook up sometime—you’re the guy with the ball cap and knapsack, right?

Hugs and kisses, J

There you have it folks. Thanks to TJ, | feel a bit better about myself. After
reading his letter, each and every one of you should also feel a wee bit
superior. The next time we meet | will be firmly entrenched in cougarhood.
In the meantime | suggest you all consider TU’s oath to continue reading as
long as | continue to write, and emulate him, if only in this.

broadeyeview @ hotmail.com