INSIDE DOUGLAS COLLEGE / APRIL 11, 1989

 

 

 

 

eStaying In Love

Are you in love, and more
than anything, wanting to stay
that way?

As wonderful as love is, like
it or not, it comes with its ups
and downs. The ‘downs’ - with
their inevitable conflicts - have
the potential to devastate love.
But if handled properly, con-
flicts can actually help bind two
people closer together.

The different aspects of
relationships, from love and
companionship to communica-
tion are the focus of an
upcoming one-day couples
workshop at Douglas College.

Taught by Dr. Robert Lees,
the workshop provides an over-
view of marriage
companionship for couples of
all ages and at all stages.

 

"We will examine how
resolving conflicts
builds intimacy and
how avoiding conflicts
kills intimacy."

 

"We first started this
workshop as a preparatory
course for marriage, but some
married couples who were help-
ing Out with the course found
they got just as much, if not
more, out of the course than the
unmarried," said Lees, a mar-

© riage and family therapist.

“This workshop is a positive
look at relationships, and a look

 

at how you can make what
you’ve got even better."

"One of the aspects we ex-
amine is resolving conflicts.
Often couples, especially those
in second relationships, tend to
avoid conflicts. We will ex-
amine how resolving conflicts
builds intimacy and how avoid-
ing conflicts kills intimacy."

Often, when there is a con-
flict, one partner will ventilate
his or her feelings, which causes
the other one to withdraw in
silence.

"The more one ventilates, the
more the other one withdraws,
punishing through silence. But
neither ventilating one’s feelings
nor withdrawing solves the prob-
lem," said Lees.

Using a model presentation,
Lees takes couples through five
steps to help them deal with
their conflicts constructively.

"The first step is to set a time
to discuss the problem. Pick a
time that is good--not when you
know you will be tired, not
when someone has been drink-
ing, or when someone’s blood
sugar is low from not eating."

"Then process your feelings
and your wants and present
them to your partner.”

The next step, communicating
to identify the problem, is where
the couple begins to peel back
the layers in search of the core
issue.

 

"Sometimes the outer prob-
lem is the way the toothpaste
tube is squeezed. But peeling
back the layers, the core prob-
lem could actually be control.
One partner may be feeling
‘you’re not going to tell me how
to squeeze the toothpaste,
you’re not my mother.’"

 

Workshop delves into
family origin: birth
order, traumatic
incidents, the affection
one had in childhood.

 

Once you’ ve reached the root
of the problem, then comes the
creativity in brainstorming for a
resolution and then negotiating a
contract--just what will be done
and how.

"The last step is also impor-
tant, setting up a time to
evaluate the contract to see if it
is working, and if the partners
are perceiving that it is work-
ing," said Lees.

Besides examining conflicts,
the workshop also delves into
the aspects of family origin.

"We look at patterns a person
has inherited, where they come
from--is that the way they want
to be? We talk about birth
order, traumatic incidents, mari-
tal stability in childhood and the
affection one had and how it af-
fects one’s relationship now.

continued on page 4

 

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