humour // no. 17 issue 25// vol 45 » Ilove you guys SO MUCH Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Illustration by Cara Seccafien Something about the sun being out for three minutes turns me into a 31-year- old white woman with a French bulldog and a fiancé in finance. And to top the fantasy off? That’s right, I’m looking for an alcoholic beverage to slam ona patio! Patios are great because you're pretty much on display, so everyone can see just how much fun youre having and how mutch they should want to be you. Nothing screams “good weather and GREAT times” like day drinking, so let me take you through my five easy steps for gettin’ blasted ona weekday! Maybe just one beer... %, As you walk by what r : seems like the perfect J.K. Rowling reveals all characters in Hogwarts really ‘gettin it on’ » Especially Peeves, that frisky bastard! we?! No... should we?” dance for at least three minutes while a server rolls her eyes. Eventually one of you (the weakest one) caves and you take a seat atop your throne. Ask for what’s on tap but order a Fat Tug IPA, a beer guaranteed to get you drunk with one, wasted with two, and completely sobbing like a baby with three. (Author’s note: please drink Fat Tug responsibly. Learn from my mistakes!) (Editor’s note: Wow, Isabelle’s a lightweight.) Okay, a pitcher! Dang, it is nice out today! Can you believe how nice it is? No, I can’t believe it either. And the sun sets so late now, did you notice? It’s springtime, baby! Soak up the meagre rays while diving into a full-ass pitcher of beer. It feels like a holiday, but it’s not! It’s just a Tuesday afternoon and you feel more alive than you have in weeks. You're also getting pretty tipsy at this point. Walk like you forgot how to walk You know what I’m talkin’ about. After one and a half beers, you suddenly forget basic human motor skills and have to trundle to the bathroom like a Sim. To add to your fun, carefree demeanor, try running into a barstool Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Five breezy ways to say, ‘I just got day drunk on a patio’ or narrowly avoiding an irritated server as she balances a heavy tray. As you careen around the server, yell “OOP!” in her face so she knows you made a mistake. Stare in the bathroom mirror for too long Great, you made it into the washroom! After peeing, sit on the toilet foran extended period of time and think about every life decision you've made up until now, and how different your life could’ve been if you just took that gap year instead of jumping into the most worthless degree you could think of. After slamming the stall door open too hard, stare at your dumb face in the mirror. Yeah, you fucked up. It’s 1 pm on a Tuesday and you're Saturday- night-level wasted. What happened to law school, you square? Margaritas!!1!! That’s right youre all getting margaritas now I love my friends!!! We are getting the margaritas where there is also a beer sticking out o/the top of it (also known as a BULLDOG). After this we will all go get something pierced or maybe a friend tattoo be we are all BEST FRIENDS. Later we will remember that we were supposed 2 cover someone's shift but that doesn’t matter be right now we're are ALL GONNA LIVE FOREVER!!! WOOOOO SPRING/SUMMER!!! Local man the first to go shirtless this year » Heroic trailblazer really puts it all out there off, I made sure my children looked at his smooth adult torso so they knew Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor steemed author of the wildly successful Harry Potter franchise revealed at a press conference last Saturday that Dumbledore and Grindelwald had an “intense sexual relationship.” Rowling went on to add that many other characters in the Harry Potter universe also “got theirs” as well. “Due to the series’ intended age category, I felt it was not prudent to discuss the sex lives of my characters,” Rowling announced to press. “However, enough time has passed that I finally feel comfortable saying: Almost everyone was hooking up. In really weird, magical ways, as well.” Thanks to Rowling's statements, millions of readers worldwide can take comfort in the knowledge that both humans and magical creatures alike were really going to town on each other. “All of the house elves were involved in an ethically polyamorous relationship,’ Rowling said. “And the Creevey brothers and the Patil twins had their own thing going on.” Why did Rowling choose to divulge this information now? “I feel that enough time has passed since the ending of the series for this additional information to really mean something to my readers,” she explained. “They can reread a passage and think, “Wow, the Triwizard Tournament seems extra difficult for Harry now knowing that all of the competitors were having sex with oe each other after every single task: While some readers feel Rowling’s decision to broaden the Harry Potter universe is unnecessary, others welcome the addition to the already bloated franchise. “I started reading Harry Potter as an u-year-old and really ‘grew up’ with Harry,’ superfan Michael Rollands told Other Press reporters. “I thought of him and his friends as my own pals. I went to every single midnight book launch, attended every movie premiere in costume, and even tried to start a Quidditch team on my university campus. I think it’s safe to say that I wasn’t getting laid, so I’m happy that at least Harry and his friends were getting some on the side” Others were more skeptical of Rowling’s claims. “You're telling me that Hermione had enough time to get Outstanding on almost all her O.W.L.s, have a passionate love affair with Viktor Krum, go through a ‘conscious uncoupling’ with both Weasley twins, and ‘see where things went’ with Luna Lovegood?” book critic Sarah Finley asked press. “It just doesn’t add up! She must've been using the Time-Turner” After divulging about the steamy, experimental sex lives of her characters, it seems that nothing is too taboo for Rowling to reveal. “That’s not all that was going on behind closed doors,” she told reporters. “Dobby didn't file his 2014 taxes, Barty Crouch got multiple facial fillers, and Lucius Malfoy was wearing a weave for the entire sixth book. I feel like these additional notes really help flesh the universe out for the readers.” V2ncouver local Richard Martin took a giant step for mankind last Friday. “T don’ think of myself as a hero,” he told Other Press reporters. “More of a vigilante of sorts.” His achievement? Being the first man in 2019 to go shirtless in public. “Not everyone has the balls to do what I did,” Martin said. “And I have the biggest balls, because I did it first. That’s a fact—you can write that in your what a real man who takes charge looks like. I know I can’t take my shirt off because that would be indecent. But I’m glad men can do whatever they like with their bodies as they are free from sexual and societal stigma. I love the summer!” Martin thinks that 2019 is shaping up nicely. “| already have big plans for the summer that involve me sitting ona park bench with my shirt off, walking up and down the street with my shirt article.” off, and arguing with With cc a Chipotle counter the recent Not everyone hasthe _ person when they spell of good balls to do what I did." __ fuse toserve me weather, Martin, because my shirt is unprompted, —Richard Martin, off,” he told reporters. removed his sports shirtless man “I’m also looking fabric polo shirt to forward to wearing a reveal his pudgy, shirt that’s too small, blindingly white torso. so my gut hangs over my shorts, and “T was the only person shirtless in the public park filled with other adults and children,” Martin recounted. “Many people were in shorts but only I was nude from the navel up.” According to eyewitnesses, people were shocked at Martin’s bravado. “It’s really something to see a man take his shirt off in public,” said Roy Hebert, who was in the park at the time of Martin’s unveiling. “He just grabbed the hem and pulled it off What a guy.” “My children and I were spending some time in the sun reading books we picked up from the library,” Rachel Dewitt, mother of two, told Other Press reporters. “When Richard took his shirt then I clasp my hands over top of that. Maybe I wear a hat, maybe I don’t wear a hat. I leave myself some leeway there.” Above all else, Martin wants people to know that he is both body-positive and a feminist. “Women can't go topless because they are teachers, nurses, and mothers,” Martin said. “It just wouldn't be right, like a woman wearing the colour blue or aman wearing mittens. But men are policemen, doctors, and train conductors so it’s okay.” Martin added, “Actually, it would be okay if women went topless. But only if they are hot with big boobs. And I get to look.”