humour / 22

Cassette comeback?

» Vancouver youth have found an even cooler way to listen to music

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

[ seems that vinyl albums
are seeing a steady decline in
use for the second time in the
past 50 years. What were once
deemed “vintage” and “old
school” by the 20-somethings
of Vancouver’s music scene
are now being edged out (once
again) by the rising popularity
of cassette tapes.

“Yeah, vinyl records are
just so cliché nowadays,” a
beanie-clad Owen Johnstone
told us in what appeared to be
a coffee shop/bookstore in the
heart of downtown. We had
seen him sporting a Walkman
cassette player while smoking
an e-cigarette outside the café,
so we asked him to explain.

“You know, everyone’s
out there listening to vinyl
records. They've lost their
nostalgic value. The record
stores are jam-packed full
of kids who don’t even know
what rock and roll was really
all about,” Johnstone, 19, said.

“It’s like: okay, sure,
records are “classy” and
whatever, but it just ain’t me.
I’m not going to conform to
that fad.”

When asked what he
preferred about cassettes to
the usual iPod found in the
pockets of music-savvy youth,
Johnstone coughed out his
vapour.

“That technology is for
suckers who wanna buy
into the corporations and
government tracking devices. I
say hell no. Besides, the purest
form of music is heard off of
cassettes. Grainy. Unfiltered.”

When asked what

: corporations he was referring
: to, Johnstone declined to
: comment.

It appears this is a growing

: phenomenon, though no

: one partaking would like to

: acknowledge its popularity. A
: young woman, who appeared
: to be dressed as a promiscuous
: lumberjack, stormed out of

: our interview upon learning

: someone else (Johnstone, who
: was still “smoking” across the
: street at the time) had also

: been listening to cassette

: tapes.

How this new craze will

: shape the music industry is

: yet to be determined, though
: its influence can already

: be seen in other media. We

: talked to Jessica Robson who
: has recently begun watching
: movies exclusively on VHS.

“What? No! I’m not trying

: to be a hipster; I just like

: watching old Disney movies

: sometimes. I’m serious. This
: isn’t some protest against the
: film industry or anything,

: I just don’t have Mulan on

: DVD.”

As seen with Robson,

: many of these hip youngsters
: (or “hipsters”) are in complete
: denial of what they are, and

: the motives that have them

: setting such trends. The fact

: that determining the general
: “coolness” of things has been
: left to the efforts of sucha

: confused bunch is rather
frightening.

With cassette sales on

: the rise, this reporter just

: hopes that his first-generation
: iPod Nano will hold out long

: enough until it also becomes
“cool” once more.

theotherpress.ca

 

 

College newsflash:

» Controversial survey reveals that Iam still totally un-dateable

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

Aw unscientific survey
of females around Douglas
College has uncovered

a shocking discovery: I,
Chandler Walter, am still
completely un-dateable.

The survey covered a
range of demographics; it
varied in nationality, race,
religious backgrounds, and
ages ranging from recent post-
high schoolers to one very
put-off professor who would

: like to remain anonymous.

While the women
surveyed are as different as

The reasons were usually

6

: no,” “oh my god, who are

: you?”—and an alarming 10 per :
: cent offering me their drink
: (forcefully, through the air).
: the pickup lines I’ve attempted :
: on them, the data showed

: that one thing remained

: a constant: 100 per cent of

: females surveyed agreed that
: they do not want to go ona

: date with me.

Furthermore, females

: accompanied by a male

: companion at the time the

: survey was administered were
: more likely to allow the male

: to respond, whether vocally

: or by aggressive force (we

: : had to end research after one
: similar, with more than 50 per :
: cent claiming to already have :
: a boyfriend, 35 per cent simply :
: responding with variations
: of no—e.g., “god no,” “hell,

such incident, due to various

: injuries).

This study brings to

: light the serious possibility
: of failing eye sight for those
: around Douglas College, or

perhaps a communal practical

: joke that may or may not be in
: motion here.

It still remains a mystery

: as to why the survey shows

: such controversial results,

: though this reporter is

: convinced it is likely

: something defective in the

: psyche of those surveyed on
: the whole, as that would be
: the only logically consistent
: variable.

I’m sure that’s what my

mom is going to tell me, at
: least.

While these women
may be as different
as the pickup lines
I've attempted, one
thing remained a
constant: 100 per
cent of females
surveyed agreed
that they do not
want to go on a date
with me.