issue 21 // volume 43 humour // no. 23

Undergraduate student sues
Psychology department

> “First instinct fallacy, my ass

Carlos Bilan
Staff Writer

 

Fy Spade, a 19-year old psychology
student, filed a lawsuit against

the entire Psychology department of
Maple Tree College after receiving the
results from his first midterm exam.

The plaintiff filed a “misinformation
and miseducation” claim for the sum
of all the Psychology courses he will
have to take to complete his degree,
totalling around $10,589— excluding
taxes which will be “added later” after
his “accountant finishes computing it.”

It was around 3:30 p.m. when the
incident took place. Spade became
very agitated, and shouted at the
class’s Psychology professor. One
of our reporters, a student of Maple
Tree College, happened to be in the
class at the time and managed to
interview some of the witnesses.

“It does not make any sense to
tell us that one’s first instinct is not
always right, when I know I would
have gotten full marks on these five
multiple choice questions if I had not

|!

changed my answer!” argued Spade
to his Psychology professor, Doctor
Dave Cardiff. He continued: “That is
miseducation! We are supposed to

be learning facts here, but if what
youre teaching us is true, why didn’t
I get those questions right the second
time? How do you explain that to

me and every student in the world
who has done the same thing?”

Doctor Dave Cardiff M.D.,
who finished his Masters degree in
Psychology at Princeton University,
replied to Spade: “I am sorry you
are frustrated right now. But
what you are feeling right now is
actually an example of the first
instinct fallacy. Every student has
experienced it and it’s okay—”

Despite Cardiff’s calm
and soothing tone, Spade cut
Cardiff off mid-sentence.

“First instinct fallacy my ass! I
studied so hard for this damn test. I
spent a total of nine hours writing down
notes for this and reading through it
all over again. It doesn’t add up that
I’m more likely to get this answer
wrong just because | changed it. It

Insomnia Gothic

> Sleep, slee, sle, slightly annoyed I can’t fall asleep

Davie Wong
Sports Editor

 

Yu eyes flutter open to the sight
of nothing. It’s dark. So dark. You
reach over and unlock your phone
once again. You've lost count of how
many times you've done this.

You check the time. Damn. It’s 4
a.m. You crawled in bed two hours ago,
determined to get some sleep before
daybreak, yet now here you still are.

You wiggle around on your bed
while browsing your Facebook feed. It
hasn't updated since you last checked
five minutes ago, and there are no
comfortable spots on the bed.

You toss your phone aside in

frustration. It slides off the bed. You
roll over to grab it, and just as you
do, you find it. You find the spot. The
most comfortable spot imaginable.
The spot that will carry you to sleep
like a Valkyrie carries the souls of
tired warriors off to Valhalla. But
you haven't picked up your phone
yet. You're going to have to move.

You groan as you lean over and
pick your phone up. It’s unharmed, you
think. You toss it on the nightstand
and return to the comfy spot. But
it’s gone. Like a traveling circus, the
comfortable spot has picked up and left.

You feel the tears begin to well
up in your eyes. Your mouth closes
and you realize it was just a yawn.
Maybe the satisfying release of a

contradicts everything we studied for.”
Spade’s voice cracked and tears began
to well up due to his frustration.

The argument lasted almost half
an hour—so long, in fact, that the
head professor of Psychology and a
guidance counsellor were called by one
of the students to help pacify Spade.
This only seemed to aggravate the
situation further, as Spade ended up
kicking a chair and threatening to sue
the entire Psychology department.

“This is miseducation and
misinformation. If I can’t sue the
entire world of Psychology which
has come up with that first instinct
fallashit, I’m going to at least sue
the school on behalf of all students
who had to suffer the same way I do!
I’m calling my lawyer right now.”

Surprisingly, some students rose
from their seats and cheered Spade.
There were also students who stood
up for Cardiff, and it ended up just
becoming a heated psychological
debate between two opposing parties
which lasted for an extra 30 minutes.

“To be honest, I agree with Fred,”
said chemical engineering major Felix

cold pillow will caress you into the
night. You lay upon your pillow. It’s
warm. Your roll side to side, unable
to find the comfort you so desire.

Maybe a pillow flip is the answer.
One last, desperate Hail Mary into
an end-zone of dreams. You turn the
pillow over and fall upon it, eager for
its cool touch and welcoming shock.
You land upon a cooler, yet still warm
pillow. You flash back just 15 minutes
earlier. You recall turning over the
pillow in hopes of a dreamier future.
A future that will never come.

You pick the pillow up, hands
shaking, and hurl it to the side.
It disappears into the darkness.
There is no satisfying thump. Just
the sound of scrambling. You must

 

LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT\| [HMM.. WELL HERES SOMETHING |
IS HOPELESS! I CAN'T AFFORD
_NVY OF THEM!

 

 

 

 

By: L. A. Bonte

 

ALMOST IN YOUR PRICE RANGE...

 

 

 

AND IT HAS.. A WALIIN-CLOSET?
E "|

 

 

 

DuPoint to our reporter. “That test
was bull. I also got a wrong answer
after I changed it so there’s no way
my first instinct is not always right.
That’s not the first time this has
happened—even for other subjects,
I experience the same thing.”

“I feel so bad for Dave,” Samantha
Chang, a major in Psychology, said.
“He is a good professor. Of course,
Fred will feel frustrated. It happens
to the best of us. But he really is just
too attached to those questions and is
venting out his frustration. I did not
expect him to be serious about suing.”

“We feel really sorry for Mister
Spade,” said Sean Perry, the assistant
head professor in the Psychology
department. “We've all been there and
I can’t blame him. I’m just worried
what will happen if he wins the case.

I doubt he will, but oh well, better
book the paradise trip to Bahamas
with my husband tonight.”

So far the case has been
bogged down by mountains of
legal paperwork and bureaucratic
hoop-jumping, and has yet to
move forward to a court of law.

have hit the cat. Good job.

Unsure if your feline friend is
now plotting your death should you
ever drift into the abyss of sleep, you
lay back on your now pillow-less bed.
It’s cool. It’s nice. It’s welcoming.

You pull your cover above your
head and let out a sigh of relief. The
cover is a bit too warm. Too heavy. Like
something has just sat down upon it.
You begin to panic as you realize, too
late, that someone or something is
trying to suffocate you to death. Your
mind scrambles for options, tries to
find a way out of this helpless suffering,
but your body fades into the darkness.

Sleep has taken you now, child.
Strangely enough, it smells like your cat.

OH! IT IS A
WALK-IN-CLOSET!

ee el

For more comics visit FilbertCartoons.com