humour // no. 18 theotherpress.ca

Man smokes catnip because BC
bud ‘just isn't pure anymore’

> Creative liberties taken with plant meant for cats

Jillian McMullen
Staff Writer

 

DISCLAIMER: The Other Press does
not suggest that anyone should, under
any circumstances, attempt to smoke
catnip. This writing is clearly labelled
as a Humour article in the Humour
section, and even if it wasn’t, come

on, seriously, you should just know
better than that... We really shouldn't
have to include this disclaimer, but
obviously—and unfortunately—we do.

local man, known only as “Mikey,”

has recently taken up smoking
catnip as a replacement for marijuana.
He claims that the drug’s quality in
this province, which is internationally
revered, has suffered in recent years
due to the increased number of
dispensaries in the city. The Other
Press caught up with Mikey on his way
to his favourite shop, Petopia, to ask
him about his experiences with the
substance usually reserved for felines.

Mikey described his first
experience smoking catnip
with a stranger at a party.

“We were smoking this weird
looking J, so I asked him what the hell
it was. When he told me it was catnip
I was so weirded out cause that stuff is
for animals,” he explained. “But, then I
realized... I’m sort of an animal, too.”

He went on to explain that
dispensaries were creating a
“bougie” weed market that he “just
couldn't support anymore.”

“You walk in and it’s this manicured

bullshit. They’re trying to sell you
strains with ‘notes of lavender and
lemon zest. Like, I just want to
smoke something—anything.”

Catnip smokers, who typically
refer to the substance as “mint,” list
affordability and accessibility as its
main—and only—benefits. “You can
walk into any shop and walk out with
28 grams for five bucks. Well, not any
shop. Any pet shop,” Mikey clarified.
“I don’t know where you can get 28
grams of anything else for that cheap.”

When asked what the catnip high
was like, Mikey explained it’s very
similar to what most would expect.
“Mostly rolling around on the ground...
you know... purring, meowing.”

The Other Press spoke with

employees of Mikey’s preferred pet shop.

  

Image via GoldenTwist.net

Missy Lebourdieu, who has worked
for the company for over 16 weeks,
began noticing Mikey’s increasing
patronage about three months ago.
“Yeah, we've got a few guys who
come in here and just go straight
for the cat aisle,” she said. “We’ve
taken to calling them the ‘nippers’
Mikey’s our third best customer.”
When asked if she feared legal

repercussions for selling catnip to
customers knowing how it will be
abused, Lebourdieu sighed. “To be
honest, for ten cents above minimum
wage, I can’t really commit to
anything but standing behind this
till,” she said from behind the till.
Mickey is organizing a meet-
up for fellow nippers, planned for
February 29 in Trout Lake Park.

Polite conversation somehow
discovered in YouTube comments

> Scientists astounded by discovery of human decency

Duncan Fingarson
Seniour Columnist

 

arly yesterday morning, a shocking

discovery was made in the
comments section of a YouTube Let’s
Play. One poster asked a question and,
instead of receiving the mockery and
derision typical of YouTube comments,
received a polite and well-researched
answer. The original poster, who goes
by the name of xXDeathshead_69,
proceeded to enter into a spirited but
civil conversation with Murderlord_
Bob, who had answered the question.

“The discussion ran for over 12
whole comments, and at no point did
either of them use the word ‘fuck’
or insult the other’s intelligence,”
said sociologist Dr. Jim Watcher.

In an attempt to recreate the
situation leading to it, Dr. Watcher
has launched a research project
examining the conversation.

“Tt’s frankly amazing,” Dr. Watcher
continued. “The YouTube comments
have been a wretched hive of scum
and villainy for years, everyone knows
that. To find two people having a
rational discussion in a place like
that... it boggles the mind.”

The Other Press reached out
to Murderlord_Bob for comment.

“T don’t think it’s that unusual,” he

said. “I mean, maybe for YouTube, but
what’s so weird about treating people
on the internet like human beings?
Just because someone asked a question
with an answer that’s obvious to you
doesn’t mean it’s obvious to them.”

Clearly, Murderlord_Bob is new
to the internet. The strong reaction to
people being wrong on the internet is
a well-documented phenomenon. It
has been observed to keep people up
long past the time they should have
gone to sleep, and to provoke streams
of invectives in more than 75 per cent
of situations. The anonymity of the
comments section also plays a role, as
laid out in John Gabriel’s well-known
“Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory.”

In this case, however, the stars
seem to have aligned to produce a rare
moment of rational discourse between
two fellow humans. Dr. Watcher has
reported that he will be publishing
his findings soon. The results are
expected to take sociology by storm, as
nobody really thought it was possible
to have a normal conversation on the
internet, let alone in the comments
section of a YouTube video.

In the meantime, the conversation
has been noted by the Internet Cesspit
Ranking System, ICRS. Asa result,
YouTube’s ICRS ranking has jumped
by a full point. It is now only the third
worst place on the internet, falling
just behind Tumblr and Twitter.

 
  

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