(¥ Students wear Douglas College apparel, spread

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awareness of school costs
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And more!

 

Carrier pigeons are ruining face-
to-face conversation.

> Letter writing is emotionless swill

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor

 

he other day I was shocked

and disgusted to find my
son, Phillip Thatcher, reading a
letter in his room and giggling
like a young lady at a ball. Ever
since the futuristic technology
of carrier pigeons was intro-
duced into our small village,
it seems that all the children
tend to do is write short, 1,000
word messages to each other.

Their eyes are always down-
cast, reading the latest gossip or
poem that has been sent to them,
and they are missing out on all
the exciting real-life things taking
place in front of their faces, likes
taxes, and the black plague.

I have tried to ban my
children from taking part in
such mind-melting nonsense,
but every morning they seem
to have a new batch of post in
their hands. I have heard from
the teachers at the schoolhouse
that it has escalated to students
passing notes during class.

If this dilemma is not ad-
dressed quickly, it is terrifying to
think what will become of hu-
manity as a whole. These fast—al-
most instant—messages are re-
ducing this new generation’s abil-
ity to stay on task, and work the

usual 12 hours a day on the farms.
lam afraid to think that

if the rapid increase of tech-
nology continues to advance
at such a rate—Old Pete down
by the river has created some
sort of magical “water-wheel,”

 

which many in the village feel
is strange and dangerous—then
there is no knowing just how
bad things will eventually get.

Furthermore, if these mes-
sages are not heavily regulated
by the lords and king, then

Liberals legalization policies foggy at best

> Progress caught in a haze

Jake Wray
Contributor

 

A fter months of delays
ampering the new

Liberal government’s plan
to legalize marijuana, the
Prime Minister is now saying
they will “get around to it.”

The Liberals were elected
partially because of their
promise to legalize marijuana,
but the legalization process
is dragging out, leaving many
Canadians unsatisfied and
impatient. Speaking from his
office, wearing grey sweatpants
and an Odd Future hoodie,
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
told the Other Press—between
mouthfuls of pretzels—that
marijuana legalization is
of the highest priority.

“It’s totally a huge deal to
a lot of Canadians, and we get
that for sure. We'll get around
to it soon, I promise, but for
right now just chill out, man.
Check it out, I just got my staff

to put a record player in here!
You like The Beatles?” said
Trudeau, as he got up to put
on Magical Mystery Tour.

Bill Blair, Liberal MP and
parliamentary secretary to the

    

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Lu
>
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c
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o
.
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Minister of Justice, has been
tasked with overseeing the
transition to legalization. He
said the logistics of legalizing pot
are complicated and intricate.

“I dunno, man, this is

tricky stuff. There are all these
international treaties and stuff—
sometimes I just don’t know
what to think. Can you imagine
if we legalized pot, and then
the Americans were mad at us?
They have railguns, man! Giant
railguns on their ships. Have
you seen the YouTube video
of the railgun? It’s awesome,
lll show you,” said Blair.

Minister of Public Safety
Ralph Goodale spoke to the
Other Press from his living
room with the curtains drawn.
He said he’s been too anxious
to work on the marijuana file.

“I would love to work on
legalizing pot, but I keep feeling
like people are judging me for
it,” said Goodale. “The other
day I was in Starbucks trying
to type out a report on crime
statistics, but I kept feeling
like everyone in there knew
exactly what I was up to.”

Rona Ambrose, interim
leader of the Conservative
party, was disappointed by the

there is no knowing what may
get into the hands of my dearest
children. Mary was explaining
to me at the market that she
found some rather disturbing
things written on some parch-
ment under her daughter’s cot,
and it is pornographic prose
like that that will turn our chil-
dren into demonic heathens.
There is already a sense of
disconnect between the adults
and the younger folk, a divide cre-
ated by the devil spawned tech-
nology at their fingertips. I admit,
l once tried my hand at sending
a letter of my own toa friend of
mine (nothing indecent, I swear)
but for the life of me I couldn't
figure out how to get the pigeon
to work. It is as if the workings
of the systems are formed in
such a way to be impossible
for an older generation to un-
derstand, and that makes me
extremely angry and confused.
Therefore, I will spend
my days writing angry let-
ters such as this one, and
then, well, oh darn it.

government’s lack of progress.

“How long exactly is this
process going to take? Justin
and the Liberals have once
again shown how unmotivated
and foggy they can be. I know
I have long held the position
that marijuana is a maddening
toxin pushed by Satan himself,
but I also have a responsibility
to complain incessantly about
every move the government
makes,” said Ambrose.

Patrick Howe, professor
of public policy at the
University of Victoria’s faculty
of law, said that legalization
won't happen overnight.

“This is a complex legal
challenge facing strong
opposition. There will have to
be compromises, This will take
years,” said Howe. “I don’t know
what people are expecting.
Trudeau can’t just snap his fingers
and legalize pot overnight.”

At press time, Trudeau
was just going to run out
to 7-Eleven real quick.