Feature. Doomsday for Dummies: Because it’s never too soon to prepare for the end of the world By Sharon Miki h, the New Year. Time to set At putrid remnants of last year’s mistakes ablaze with the scorching heat of 12 months of regret and disappointment—and start fresh with new notebooks, organic salad greens, and a promise to finally open that copy of P90X you got in your stocking. Normally the minty optimism of January is refreshing, but, as we ring in the year 2012, one can’t help but be reminded that (according to the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar), this is the year we’re all doomed. If the accuracy of ancient Mayan predictions is to be believed, the world will begin its graceful descent into oblivion this year, and the final curtain will fall on December 21. While some might be skeptical (after all, the world in all its glory has survived its share of catastrophes over the years—greed, genocide, Gigi1), the realists among us are taking the time to get ready. Just like a bikini wax in February, it’s never too soon to prepare for the end of the world. Step 1: Liquidate Your Assets First of all, that antique porcelain cat collection isn’t going to do you much good when the day of doom is upon us. Now is the time to transfer useless possessions into coin that you can use to fund your lavish last-year lifestyle. If you don’t have a large supply of gold chains and bars to pawn, consider returning all of the gifts you received and hated this holiday season. That new dust buster from Grandma? Take the cash! That not- so-subtle treadmill from mom? Run all the way to the bank, cause that’s a month’s rent! On the off chance that no one loves you and you didn’t acquire any returnable gifts, consider catburglaring gifts away from people you don’t like and then returning them. Don’t feel guilty— after all, if your frenemies had just showed some consideration and got you a nice, highly-returnable faux fireplace from Costco for Christmas, none of this would have happened. Step 2: Tell Everyone How You Really Feel December will be here before you know it, so don’t waste time 12 being nice to people you hate. Quit your job (hey, you just liquidated your assets, who needs to work?) and tell your boss in the kindest way possible that you think he’s a total idiot and an animatronic chimp could do his job better than him. Step 3: Buy Now, Pay Never If you've always wanted an obscenely-large television, a snakeskin couch, or a Honda CRV, now is the time—but don’t waste your dollars on these big ticket items. Buy now, pay later programs allow you to defer payment for costly items for a year or two, at which point massive interest accumulation will try to crush you. But! Buy any (or many) or these things in 2012 and laugh your way to the banks of hell—because that’s where we'll all be by the time the bill collectors comes knocking. Step 4: Do Your Research For those of you woefully ignorant of what’s maybe possibly about to happen, there’s always the Internet. A simple Google search of “2012” should link you to a variety of cult websites with helpful tips. There’s also a pre-documentary you can watch, starring John Cusack, available on Netflix. Step 5: Take Up an Engorging Hobby If you’ve spent years trying to play by the rules, 2012 might be your last chance to do some experimenting. Drugs might “ruin your life,” but so, apparently, will a calendar—so why not throw away your Word-of-the-Day and trade it in for a new addiction. Street drugs are fairly démodé, but something like Viagra could end your year with a real bang. Step 6: Find Religious Solitude (With as Many Religions as Possible) Religion is a delicate and tricky subject, whether it’s end of days or plenty-o-days. In today’s modern world, many of us struggle to find the strength and time to be dedicated parishioners and yet, if the world does come to an end it would be nice to have something to fall back on. Because there isn’t time to seek spiritual enlightenment through a mission, meditation, or a master’s program in religious study, why not take to Wikipedia to learn the basics of as many faiths as possible? Pick your favourite(s) and then make like George Michael and have faith. Step 7: Eat A Balanced Diet: Fat, Sodium, and Sugar Pinpointing a close end-date for the Earth is something like going on an all-inclusive cruise: you can eat whatever you want. Sell your copy of Atkin’s for Dummies (again, liquidating assets!) and eat whatever you want. Enjoy the taste of real food and forget about counting calories. Hell, if the many diet books I’ve read are to be trusted, this type of loving and free relationship with food might actually make you lose weight. And, if not—who cares? You’ve only got to hang in there until December. Step 8: Do Nothing Each Day That Scares You One of the most annoying self-help mantras/Lululemon marketing slogans is the adage of “do one thing each day that scares you.” Please. Now that you can literally count down how many days you have, why would you waste any of them being afraid or even slightly uncomfortable? Instead, try “doing one thing each day that you find really relaxing and entertaining,” even if that means you spend a large portion of your last year watching Teen Mom 2. DOOMSDAY FAILS Feeling freaked? Fear not. Those zany Mayans aren't the first to predict the end of days; many have cried “doomsday” in the past, but so far no one has got it right. Here are a few examples from our lifetime to put your mind at ease: Nostradamus’ Prophecies Noted negative Nancy and writer Michel de Nostredame, commonly known as “Nostradamus,” prophesized the end of days way back in the 16" century. While interpretations of the exact date of his forecast are widely debated, many waited with baited breath for the end of the world in 1984, 1999, and 2000 to no avail. Nostradamus was probably a crackpot, I mean, we just have to get through his last prophesized date, 2012, and then...oh. Y¥2K, January 1, 2000 Sure, we’re all cockily stroking our touch screens now, but back in the ‘90s many people had full- fledged fears that computers would launch an apocalypse when the date turned from 1999 to 2000. The date changed, the computers didn’t explode, and now they’ve integrated themselves into almost every aspect of our lives so that we are completely dependent on them... oh. WHAT TO DO IF IT DOESN’T HAPPEN Don’t waste too much of your final year worrying, but...in the itsy-bitsy, miniscule off chance that you get to December 22, 2012 and nothing’s happened but you’ve sold all your stuff, quit your job, alienated all of your friends and family, accumulated massive retail debt, gained 50 pounds, fostered a massive drug addiction, developed a cholesterol problem, and become addicted to trash TV...you might need a backup plan. My current strategy is to fake some sort of farm accident and claim temporary, jerk-inducing amnesia—but you need to think of your own plan. No one’s going to believe we were all on the farm.