Don't use the brand's name In valn

» Passionate brand loyalist condemn popular child curse words

Elliot Chan
Opinions Editor
‘wa,  opinions@theotherpress.ca

  

heez Whiz, the delightful

brand of cheese spread, is
getting a lot of press recently as
a group of brand loyalists have
gathered together—from coast
to coast like butter toast—to
rise against the blasphemous
use of the brand’s name.

Asurvey conducted by
the Consumer Packaging Press
found that the most common
brand name used to cuss is, in
fact, Cheez Whiz: 75 per cent
of children under the age of 13
had used the name ina way of

expressing anger 2 or more times.

The second most common is, of

it is the Cheez Whiz people’s.

: have such hilarious names that

: blend so well with traditional

: swear words. The responsibility

: falls on the parents. They need to
: understand that at an early age,

: their children are learning more

: colourful language—let them—if
: they need to call out Jesus, let

: them! It’s more Jesus’ fault than

ro”

It has been well documented

: that some time ago there lived

: aguy named Jesus Christ. He

: was an entrepreneur who made

: a lot of good bread, wine, and

: woodwork. But due to his poor

: business acumen, supply couldn’t
: meet the demand. Consumers

: would say, “Jesus Christ!” in

: vain—a lot of vain—when their

: orders failed to ship. Not long

: after the company launched,

: Jesus Christ Inc. went bankrupt

: and the founder was crucified.
Cheez Whiz brand loyalists—

: they call themselves Cheez

: Wizards—see a clear parallel

: between what happened to Jesus

course, Fudgee-O, with 40 per

cent. In third is Gray Poupon,

as in: “Aww! Gray Poupon! We

are out of normal mustard!”
Delicatessen and linguistic

expert Susan Rumchata said: “It’s

not the brands’ fault that they

: Christ Inc. and what is happening
: with Cheez Whiz today.

Cheez Wizards spokesperson

: and single mother of four Brie

: Pumpernickel said: “You know

: what it is? It’s bad PR. Youknow =:
: what kills? It’s not global warming :

: or terrorists or processed-cheese. :
: It’s bad PR. And all that starts with !
: ourchildren. We must teachour  :
: children to respect brand names.
: This will ensure that the brands

: that serve us continue offering

: the same high quality products

: we want. Do we really want to

: live ina world without Cheez

: Whiz? I ask myself that every

: morning after making breakfast

: for my four Cheez Wizards.”

Safeway jam aisles were

: literally jammed with Cheez

: Wizards last Tuesday as a public
: protest took place. The sole

: purpose of the rally wastoerase :
: the phrase “Cheez Whiz” from the :
: English vernacular as anything

: other than the name of the

: product. Anyone of any age that

 

: uses the brand’s name in vain

: will be sentenced to an eternity
: of dry, whole wheat bread. It’s

: some kind of hell, for sure.

Rumchata reminds us that

there are plenty of lame-ass

swear words out there for those

: moments when you have to curse
: in front of children: “Fiddlesticks’
: is always a good one. ‘For Pete’s

Photo illustration

: sake’ is great too. I've never

: encountered a Pete or Peter who

: was bothered by it. Anything that
: rhymes with ‘duck’ also works. You
: know, you stub your toe and you

: just shout, ‘Duck!’ It’s as satisfying,
: T’'ll tell you that much. People will

: crouch over though, it’s weird.”

: She added: “Words are weird.”

 

Shocking statistics reveal naughty list skyrocketing

» Kids naughtier than ever before on average

: correlation between the alarming
: hike in naughty listed children

: and the decline in Christmas

: cheer. “It all comes down to

: satisfaction,” McSnowflake

: said. “The kids don’t like their

: toys, they act bratty. They

: throw tantrums, scream, and

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

[I a shocking new study
recently released by
StatsNorthpole, it was found that
the percentage of names moved :
to the Naughty list from the Nice : “TY: and we have no choice but
list has taken an upwards spike in : 0 Put them on the bad list.” It
the days shortly after Christmas. WS not outright spoken, but
StatsNorthpole conducted | ON€ may question whether the
a thorough study, as they do : big man may be to blame.
each year, surveying children : It's ridiculous, said recent
from all across the globe onthe —! Naughty list inductee Timothy
satisfaction, enjoyment, and : Owens. “The toys Santa brings
excitement of their Christmas : arecrap.Isenthimathorough
experience. Unfortunately for ; list explaining what I wanted: PSq :
the big man in the red suit, ; OF Xbox One, and games to go
all of these sub-categories : with it. I was being reasonable;
have been in decline. : | was leaving some wiggle room.
StatsNorthpole worker elf : But no, I wake up Christmas
Jingles McSnowflake explained ; Morning, and you know what I

that he believed there was a direct ! find? A damn jack-in-the-box.

: Freaky little clown that pops out
: at you. What the hell is that,

: Santa?” Owens had thrown a fit
: on Christmas morning, tearing

: the jack from its box and tossing
: it into the living room fire.

StatsNorthpole also noted

: that the most requested item

: on Christmas lists this year were
: hoverboards, Xbox Ones, and

: Macbook Pros. Santa himself

: came out with a press release to

: address the growing concern.

: “We are trying our best. My elves
: work with wooden hammers

: and tiny little screwdrivers. We

: do not have the resources or

funds to build electronics, but

: I can assure you that love and

: care is put into every rocking

: horse and doll that our factories
: turn out.” While Santa vows to

: continue production as planned,
: many elves are beginning to

 

question the value of the work
: they do 365 days a year.

“What’s even the point?”

: said former worker elf Clappy

: Goodcheer. “They have us in

: those factories from sun up to

: sun down, every day of our lives,
: building toys that no one even

: wants. What isa kid going to

Image via thinkstock

: do with a wooden figure in this

: day and age? My entire life has

: been meaningless.” Goodcheer

: walked out on the assembly

: line following the end of this

: Christmas, and says he means to
: go into another line of work. He’s
: currently considering spelunking
: dungeons or joining a fellowship.

 

You hear that?

 

 

 

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