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what you previously
knew about post-
secondary, it’s time
for some tips that are
actually useful.

Start to like the cheap
stuff. The days of sipping
Stella at parties and
leaving 15 per cent tips
at restaurants are over—
especially if you’ve
decided to flee your
parents’ basement. You’re
about to realize that
everything is expensive.
There’s a reason that
garbage like Kraft Dinner
and ramen noodles are
synonymous with broke
college kids: despite
having the nutritional
value of cardboard, it’s
cheap, easy to make,
comes in bulk, and
probably has a shelf life
of 18 years. The perfect
student food.

T also recommend
getting really good
at partying. Learn to
hold your alcohol,
don’t become a cancer-
advocate whenever
someone smokes around
you, and learn to
interact with strangers
without turning into an
awkward mess. I know
it’s asking a lot, but I
can guarantee that years
from now, you won’t
be looking back on that
outstanding Sociology
essay you wrote—it’ll be
your so-bad-it-was-good
debauchery stories that
you tell at dinner parties.
So get partying while the
partying’s good, and you
might as well not suck
while doing it.

Unfortunately, binge
drinking can leave your
bank account feeling
pretty hungover, so
learn to party with the
cheap stuff. That part I
said about putting Stella
behind you? I wasn’t
referring to some high

school sweetheart. It’s
overpriced, not even that
good, and is basically
considered garbage in
Europe—if Europeans
don’t want to go near

it, then you know it’s
awful. Step outside of
your suds comfort zone
and try some different
beers with a lower price
tag. Expensive beer won’t
taste any better when
you're throwing it up
later, so you might as
well be cost-effective.

As obvious as it
sounds, you should start
exploiting the heck out
of stuff that’s free. “Blah
blah blah, students are
always poor, blah blah
blah school’s expensive.”
Well, I’m here to tell
you that money can’t
buy you love and that
a comfortable amount
of stuff in life can come
at a cost of zero. Take
advantage of these
things.

Chances are you
enrolled in the Douglas
Students’ Union (DSU)
health and dental plan,
either knowingly or
you just didn’t know
that you could opt out.
Not a lot of people
know this, but health
care isn’t just for bullet
wounds and Adderall
prescriptions anymore.
Douglas’ plan is actually
phenomenal and covers
things like massages
and chiropractor visits.
A back injury last spring
caused me to visit the
acupuncturist at the New
West campus and I ended
up getting treatment on
a temperamental knee
while I was at it. Best of
all: the six $50 sessions
were all covered by my
plan.

In the war against
things that cost money,
the DSU is one of your

biggest allies. They’re
probably best known as a
distributor of free swag,
but they also make an
effort to have free food
days throughout the
year. They also have free
condoms for students
for, you know, sex stuff,
which is actually the
perfect lead-in to my next
point.

I hate to be the
one who opens up a
can of reality on you
eager young folks, but
you probably won’t
be needing that jumbo
pack of condoms that
you bought yourself as
a “graduation present.”
Years of over-the-top
college films would lead
us to believe that simply
attending class will result

matching phone number
from the opposite sex;
in reality, you'll spend
several weeks sitting
awkwardly next toa
potential love interest,
forcing small talk and
continuously “forgetting
a pen” so you have to
borrow one of theirs,
until you finally work up
the courage to add them
on Facebook and find
out they’re already ina
relationship. Your dream
scenario, am | right?
Instead, start looking
for someone that you can
actually see yourself in a
relationship with. Looks
are great, but finding
someone that you can
connect with and don’t
want to punch in the face
is also important. Going

swell because you don’t
have to struggle to find
a date for those plus-
one occasions, you get a
regular supply of action,
and you get to live in
fear over whether or not
they’re going to wake up
one morning and realize
that they can do better
than you. The joys of
modern romance!

So there you have
it folks! Everything I’ve
learned over the last two
years of my life, summed
up in a medium-length
word count. You'll
quickly realize that
any stress you’ve been
feeling about what your
days in post-secondary
hold for you is mostly
unwarranted, so just sit
back, relax, and enjoy

 

 

 

 

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