i 10 Have an idea for a story? humour // no. 21 M humour@theotherpress.ca LN ¢ How to survive the new semester e ‘My personal projects just can’t wait!’ complains student * Comic: “BOSS MT-2 conspiracy theory" ..and that's everything! How to survive the new semester » Overcoming COVID and Bear Grylls at the same time Illustration by Sonam Kaloti Sonam Kaloti Arts Editor chool sucks right now and nothing feels worth it. It’s difficult and hard to stay focused and even harder to pretend you care about the four I’s of service marketing when every small business around you is shutting down. Here are some school hacks that might help make this next semester just a little bit more survivable. Close your eyes It’s as simple as that. Pretend your internet died and you are a mere image—timelessly captured in peaceful elegance. By that I mean go to sleep. It’s all the better if you don’t need to be on video but heed this word of warning: dont fall asleep before attendance is taken. Purchase new stationary Because nothing says new semester like buying pens for online schooling (oh, the irony) and $50 down the drain. Totoro and Hello Kitty mock you as they grin on notebooks you know you'll want to burn in two weeks’ time. At least youll look cute (too bad nobody can see). Drink water It’s survival after all. Say you don’t have water—you must go outdoors and wrestle the animals for a nice plot of soil. Take a clean cloth (or whichever you have) and dig up some mud into this cloth and wring out the water. If this is the best you can do with your current state, use it—at least you'll survive. ‘My personal projects Just cant wait!’ complains student » Vancouverite leans on undisclosed conspiracy theories to excuse positive covid test, continues life as normal CJ Sommerfeld Staff Writer Fx Fergerson—a multidisciplinary artist and student—ensures others that the results of his covid gargle test were, in fact, false. “I got a text the following day that informed me that my test result was POSITIVE. But I simply dont believe it,” he tells the Other Press over a Zoom call. “The BC Centre for Disease Control has instructed me to self-isolate until Public Health gets in contact with me with further directions, but I got some projects on the roll that just can’t wait. Not to mention, I don't know about this whole pandemic thing. This whole isolating people from one another—first the internet ‘n’ social media inducing social anxiety and polarization, then the 5G, and now this?” “What do you think is going to happen?” The Other Press reporter probes. “Now, I’m not saying that they're gonna put microchips in our wrists, and I mean, I don't even know what 5G stands for.” He continues, “I’ve seen tidbits of the David Icke interview—that guy seems a bit wacko, Know the jungle There is you, and there is the competition. There are no such things as “friends,” this is post-secondary school. These students will rip you to shreds if you let them. Know your strengths and play them to your advantage, and if the world tries to make you perform at a disadvantage, flip the situation so youre always on top. It is fun being king. Zoom chat The art of passive aggressive Zoom call chat commenting is delicate but necessary to get through the next four months with brain-dead peers, or worse, the overly excitable ones. Everyone sucks and you must get your frustrations out, but you don't want to get caught being the asshole—so strap in— it’s mocking time. Master the smile and nod There are only two physical actions you need throughout the entirety of your Zoom class: smiling and nodding. “Can you guys hear me?” Smile and nod. “You guys still with me?” Smile and nod. “Do you want to sell me your soul?” Smile and nod. “Should we move to the next chapter?” Smile and nod. There are so many ways to make the semester survivable. If you can't figure out a good reason for you then...well then quit. What’s the point if you're not doing it for yourself? School sucks right now, so you may as well have a good reason to want to be there, and if that’s not enough motivation to survive, | hope these tips add an extra nudge. and I wouldn't go as far as to say that there’s truth in is words. As for the BOSS MT-2 pedal electric circuit 5G chip being injected into those who get the covid vaccine— there's probably some truth to that. The peddle is probably the shittiest that BOSS has, of course it had a purpose other than creating guitar distortions. Regardless, all I know, is that my personal projects just can't wait. ] am not going to, and will not, self-isolate. “You said previously that for the past few days you have exhibited all three of the most common symptoms, all seven of the less common symptoms and one of the serious symptoms. If not covid, how would you describe all that is happening in your body at this time?” asks the Other Press. “Ya, my body is fucked.” Fergerson replies. “I don’t have an explanation at this time, it’s just that, I can’t get sick right now. You see—I have this online ‘vintage’ shop. I thrift clothing in bulk from local non-profits, take curated photos of them on front of some old furniture, embroidery and whatnot, and then sell them witha 700 percent inflation. How am I supposed to do my weekly i emptying of everything semi- nice in the local non-profit shop if I'm self-isolating?” Fergerson looks to the interviewer with genuine concern. “That is an interesting concern.” The Other Press reporter replies, then continues, “You said previously that you have multiple projects on the go that you refuse to be deterred by covid, can you tell me more about these?” “So, I got the online ‘vintage’ shop, that’s one. I also wanna make a monolith. I wanna outdo the others—you know, make it current. I’m thinking of putting a wig on top of the upright stone. I’m thinking a short, non-binary fringe. And on top of the wig, I’m gonna put a toque that I’ve rolled so many times that Illustration by Sonam Kaloti if this monolith were a person, it wouldn't cover his ears.” “Does that not defeat the purpose of putting a wig on the stone?” “Exactly.” Fergerson winks at the reporter. “Do you not worry that in you not self-isolating and continuing your ‘personal projects’ —all of which seem to involve unsocially-distanced socializations, that you could spread the virus that you evidently have, to others? Not to mention, prolong this whole situation?” the Other Press probes. “It’s not real.” Fergerson concludes, “plain ‘n’ simple.’