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Qian

 

As bought by Jacey:

Neckline Slimmer

Miracle product that tones up your neck rolls? Fat chance!

   

 

Before

By Jacey Gibb, Opinions Editor

Have you ever been curious about those
wonder products always being advertised
on television? Not stupid enough to actually
pay money to find out if they really work?
Then join me in the recurring ‘As bought
by Jacey’ column on my ongoing quest to
discover what As Seen On TV items really
work and which ones are as useless as you
first assumed they would be.

The first of countless red flags I should
have paid attention to when purchasing

After

the Neckline Slimmer was how the price
had been knocked all the way down from

  

replace my mangled mug, in favour of a
“more youthful appearance.”

I'll try and explain how this product
works: you rest your chin on top of the
slimmer and angle the device so that the
bottom rests on your chest. From here, you
can either pursue neck toning (which means
bringing your neck down and then back

5 up) or chin and jaw muscle toning (which

involves opening and closing your jaw). The
power coil that lies within the slimmer also
comes in three accommodating variations
for low, medium, and high resistance, so
customizing your workout is a breeze! The
box boasted that I would notice results in
just two minutes a day, so I embarked on

a week long journey to finally shape up

my neck and start living life like beautiful
people do.

“Despite following a strict routine of daily toning exercises, my face had

somehow been unable to lose the fifteen pounds that all of the women displayed

on the box seemed to have lost themselves.”

$29.99 to a suspicious $4.99. Unfortunately,
using common sense has never been a

large component of “As bought by Jacey”
and I shelled out the five big ones in hopes
that this wonder product would somehow

The exercises themselves are easy
enough to run through, but the chin and jaw
toning especially took a toll on my jawbone.
After a while, it felt like I was experiencing
a mild aftershock from getting punched.

The neck toning technique was slightly less
discomforting but the repeated movements
of up and down had me continuously
warding off thoughts of fellatio techniques.
Overall, my workout experiences were
rarely ideal ones.

To my dismay, the end result of my
labours was far from jaw-dropping. Despite
following a strict routine of daily toning
exercises, my face had somehow been
unable to lose the fifteen pounds that all of
the women displayed on the box seemed
to have lost themselves. I guess its back to
liposuction for this guy!

Rating: F-

Something that never fails to make my
brain ache is the lengths that some people
are willing to go to in order to achieve their
perception of what the perfect human looks
like. The Neckline Slimmer is no better than
any of those other bogus products that prey
upon the-insecure, offering little more than
perhaps a temporary mental placebo that this
just might be the secret to their superficial
salvation. At least now I feel slightly more
comfortable in my blow job technique.

 

Canadian politics taking a frightening turn

By John Miller

s the mourning of Jack Layton’s

A= death from cancer continues,
_ alarming political realities are

beginning to appear on the Federal stage.
The decimation of the Bloc Quebecois and
the Liberals in May had already deprived
the country of two leaders well familiar to
the Canadian electorate, and it may not be
premature to say Layton’s death now leaves
the Prime Minister as the sole strong voice
in Parliament.

The widespread grief at Layton’s
passing is certain to assure his legacy as
a Canadian politician somewhat separate
from the typical mold. Since his days
on the Toronto City Council, Layton
had advocated causes both diverse and
consistently progressive such as urban
cycling and LGBT rights. As leader of
the NDP, he had just brought the party to
unprecedented achievements as Canada’s
second most supported party. The downside
and danger to Layton’s central role in the
party, however, has left it highly vulnerable
in the condition of his absence.

While granting her some chance to
prove herself, realistically it is difficult to
believe that Nycole Turmel might approach
Layton’s unique and steadfast role in
Parliament during her stint as interim head
of the NDP and Leader of the Opposition.
Very few Canadians can likely name any of

12

the potential candidates for permanent party
leadership, meaning that for now the NDP
might as well be headless.

This distinction is shared with two
of Canada’s other leading parties, the
Liberals and the Bloc, meaning that Stephen
Harper could sit essentially unchallenged
in Ottawa. One should be prepared for the
worst when Parliament resumes later this
month lacking Jack Layton and any other
clear rally point for civic discontent. It is
essential that some form of rivalry exist
to fuel the healthy debate integral to a
functioning democracy, and strong voices
are required to constantly question and
dispute government policy.

Perhaps most recently and
disconcertingly, the Conservative
government’s rebranding campaign of
Canadian “patriotism” domestically and
abroad has begun to manifest itself in
several arenas. Conveniently, for Harper,
this coincided with the vacuous and
narcissistic monarchy-fest of the last
few months. This ancient institution has
itself now successfully morphed into a -
combination of tradition for tradition’s sake
and the worst elements of celebrity culture.

This slow and subtle Conservative
approach has been exhibited in numerous
forms, such as the Philistine replacement
of a notable Alfred Pellan painting in the
Foreign Ministry Office with the bland and
already ubiquitous portrait of Elizabeth

Left to right: Potential NDP leadership candidates Nycole Turmel, Thomas Mulcair and Libby Davies

 

Windsor. Somewhat anachronistically, the
Conservatives have decided to reintroduce
the word “Royal” in reference to Canada’s
navy and air force, as if in an attempt

to resuscitate the old image of British
Imperialism as a boost to the military,
another key element in Harper’s formula
for a reactionary Canadian identity and
nationalism. This has also been shockingly
displayed in government correspondence .
terminology which is now egotistically
addressed the “Harper Government”. ~

Although pandering to the British
monarchy is unlikely to gain Harper many
more friends in Quebec, it does suggest
the very nationalistic and right-wing
tendencies of this government which far
from a majority of Canadians are likely to
really agree with. Those of us holding other
political opinions might only hope that in
the next few years of Conservative rule,
strong contrarian voices might arise to keep
the consolidating “Harper Government” in
check.