Antifa confused at violence not
creating a peaceful nation

> ‘Our punch first, ask questions later policy should be working, says coordinator

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

O.. the past few months, the
anti-fascist group known as
“Antifa” has been increasing in size and
violent activity, yet they are reportedly
confused regarding their repeated
failed attempts to harbour peace.

“We've just kept up the violent
activities for months now,” says
Washington Antifa head event organizer,
Alex Bantik. “We really thought our
quest for peace and prosperity would
have come together already; we've
just been pushing and pushing.”

The anti-fascist group, known
for its demands to silence alt-right
figureheads, have been hard at work
running protests, riots, and general
punching-Nazis-in-the-face gatherings,
all while attempting to keep members
of the alt-right from speaking in public
spaces. Despite the arguments stating
that their tactics actually do more harm
than good as they add fuel to the fire

and provide fascist groups more fodder
for their rhetoric, Antifa has stood
firm in their choice of violent acts,
stating that “An eye for an eye makes
the whole world blind, and if we can't
see, we can’t see hatred and racism.”

Along with their confusion
regarding the progress of their goals
and activities, Antifa has also been
reportedly confused about recent
public feedback. Their last Washington
event, which consisted of burning
American Flags and general yelling, has
somehow accumulated negative reviews
on Yelp and other review websites.

“One star out of five,” said Yelp
reviewer Jake420. “Creating a no-
dialogue, violent environment is
not the way to progress society. Any
type of censorship is fascism. I’m
giving them one star because one
of the policemen arresting a violent
Antfa member was super-hot.”

Despite this backlash and
uncertainty, Antifa is going to do what
every radical organization does: turn
a deaf ear to any reasonable advice

 

and continue on its insane path of
violence and unconstructive action.

“We know what we're doing, and
we're not going to stop,” said Bantik.
“Doing the thing that you believe in
until the end and ignoring any opposing
opinions from any side of the argument
is what every great organization has

done throughout all of history.”
When the Other Press pointed
out that this was, in fact, something
that dictators have done in the past,
Bantik declared our words hate
speech and began to burn a copy
of the Other Press newspaper in
front of our reporter’s very eyes.

The seven deadly stages of procrastination

> Groundbreaking discovery will change the world... tomorrow

Duncan Fingarson
Senior Columnist

 

I: an affliction that affects us all,
causing stress and anxiety. It strikes
without warning, leading to missed
sleep as you rush to get that paper done
at four in the morning. Yes, you had
weeks. You knew this paper was due
today, and yet still you left it. You have
fallen victim to procrastination. Fear not,

brave student, for you are not alone.
Science has recently identified
seven unique and distinct stages of
procrastination. The Other Press has
compiled this brief summary of each
stage to better assist you in recognizing
when youre procrastinating, so you can
do something about it right away. Or

tomorrow. I mean, you've got the time.

Stage 1: There is a thing you're supposed
to do. You know you're supposed to

do it. You open Word so you can get to
writing. While Word is loading, you tab
away and start looking at other stuff.
Word remains open and untouched

in the background for hours.

Stage 2: There’s still lots of time. You'll do
the thing after a few games of Hearthstone,
or maybe some time spent building yet
another castle in Minecraft. You know

you won't stop playing video games until
the thing starts to loom uncomfortably,

and yet you start playing anyways.

Stage 3: You are too busy to play
video games. There are too many

things you need to get done, soon.
But watching YouTube doesn’t take
as much time as playing games
does. You can take a few minutes to

watch cats playing with yarn first.

Stage 4: You are too busy to watch videos
on the Internet. Stress is starting to build.
That untouched Word document is sitting
there on your taskbar, judging you. But,
before you start, you should check to
make sure none of the webcomics you
follow have updated. You know you have

read them already. You check anyways.

Stage 5: You really need to do the thing,
but you could use a snack. You go look
in the fridge. There’s nothing you can
get ready quickly. You decide you aren't
hungry. Three minutes later, you're back
looking in the fridge again. You repeat

this several times. This is your life now.

Stage 6: You avoid your computer, lest
the Word Document become visible.

You know it’s there. It haunts your
thoughts. You walk in a little circle, lie
face-down on the couch, and complain
about how busy you are. Your distractions
are gone. The thing is looming. You're

bored, but don’t want to do the work.

Stage 7: Fuck it, you're now bored
enough to play Minesweeper.

r

 

Photo by Analyn Cuarto