EN -W-OM(o(-t- Riel mre Bele) a ee M humour@theotherpress.ca (¥ YouTuber figures out what's wrong with gaming these days (Y Depression meals: Birthday cake (¥Y Comics! And more! Chaos ensues as dog and cat therapy sessions planned for same day > Furballs and fury Katie Czenczek Staff Writer t was the biggest blunder Douglas College has seen to date. Worse than the students versus faculty prank war that ended with 5 hospitalizations and 20 terrible haircuts. Even worse than when classes weren't cancelled on that slippery, icy night in 2016 when students penguin-slid down the hill into moving traffic. It may have been the worst day in college history in Canada. January 18 was the day that both cat and dog therapy was accidentally planned on the same day. Fur was ripped out, skin scratched, and bite marks found all over—the dog and cat lovers were vicious. They turned on one another; as the scene laid out cat lovers took charge of the stairs while dog lovers surrounded the area. Those who were pet-neutral hid in the fishbow] in hopes of not being caught in the crossfire. In an interview with The Other Press, Alex Dogwood explained the dog lover’s point of view. “Cat lovers are the enemy. We have had this tradition going on for years with dog therapy day and cat lovers cried ‘This is unfair! We wanna have time with our mangy, hostile beasts! Who would ever think that a cat is comforting? They'll just stare right through you and only want attention when they're upset. Cat therapy day, what a joke!” Marianne le Chat, head of the Cat Lover’s Rights group at Douglas College, hissed in an interview with the Other Press that she was outraged at dog lovers’ selfish hold on the day. “For years we have had to fight to get Cat Therapy Day recognized by the college, and when we finally did, the dog lovers completely ruined it. They’re always barking about how dogs are the best pets in existence. I don’t actually have a problem with dogs at all, it’s literally just the dog lovers who are the worst.” Dogwood also has some choice words, claiming that there would be anarchy if other pets received therapy days aside from dogs. “Tt starts with Cat Therapy day, then we get rodent lovers chiming in about their rights, and then after the rodents, it'll be the reptile collectives arguing that snakes and salamanders need to a therapy day at the school! I simply won't stand for it.” We asked the official Reptiles Collective on their stance in the matter. Venom Smith, head of the collective, responded to the chaos, calling both sides “idiots.” “The Reptiles Collective doesn’t care about therapy days. I don’t know, maybe it’s because were more well-adjusted that we don’t use our favourite pets for comfort. But, hey, that’s just my best guess.” As the fighting continued, pet- neutral people were forced to pick sides. Suzanne Swiss explained how stressful the situation was. “Both sides came up to me and forced me to choose. Do I love cats or dogs more? Well, I have both pets at home and that’s like comparing ice cream to pizza! One is a delicious dessert, sweet but cold, and the other is more savory, the cheese melting with just the right amount of crunch. Oh God, I’ve been stuck in the fishbowl for 14 hours, if I don’t out of here soon I’m going to eat the upholstery in the chairs!” Swiss ended up being rushed to the hospital soon after the interview. The cats and dogs themselves— interestingly enough—did not seem to care about the showdown at all. Together, and translated from Animus-quadpadis (the language of four-legged beasts), the cats and dogs explained their indifference. “This fight has been going on far too long. We actually have never fought, and aren't polar opposites like you two- leggers always assume. We don't get how that started and just want some peace.” ‘Yes, your ex definitely talks shit about you! and other validated concerns > Anne Ziety’s new book of home truths takes world by storm Rebecca Peterson Assistant Editor H ave you ever wondered if there’s a legitimate basis for your fears? Have you ever asked yourself if youre worrying enough? Have you ever thought about the slow, crushing weight of the daily embarrassments of living? Well now, there’s a self-help book designed to make sure you're living your neuroses to the fullest. Fresh from the success of her last book, Ten Ways to Fuck Up Your Own Life by Doing Absolutely Nothing, celebrated author Anne Ziety has released her follow-up masterpiece If You're Only Worried, You're Not Thinking Hard Enough: A Collection of Daily Stresses. Written as an encyclopedia of common stresses, Ziety takes an in-depth look at scenarios we play out in our own heads, and not only validates each one, but explains how they will inevitably destroy our lives and the people around us. “It’s an important public service, I think,” said Ziety, in an interview with the Other Press. “People often try to do what they think is the ‘healthy’ thing, you know, they tend not to sweat the small stuff, but I really think that’s the wrong approach. I think if youre worried about something, you should think about it obsessively, really dig deep into how bad it can all go down for you and your loved ones.” A free excerpt from the Collection can be found online, demonstrating Ziety’s technique: “Worry: I’m not my bestfriend’s best friend. Designation: Valid. Breakdown: Youre not as fun to be with as some of your other friends, and sometimes you overshare when you've had a few. This will inevitably cause an irreparable rift between you and your ‘best’ friend, but it’s okay, because when the friendship falls apart, they will not miss you as much as you miss them.” The book doesn’t just cover common social concerns, but larger anxieties as well: “Worry: The sun will throw off a solar flare that will flash-cook the planet and kill us all. Designation: Valid. Breakdown: It could happen at any time, and there’s really nothing any of us can do about it. We would have approximately eight minutes before the flare hits Earth to get our affairs in order and say goodbye to our loved ones. On the upside, it’s unlikely the government would tell us that the flare is coming, so we probably won't even have those eight minutes anyway. Bonus: While death will be sudden and painful, it will also be mercifully quick.” Ziety has several projects in the works to follow her Collection; a follow- up companion book No Molehills, Only Mountains, and a stage musical she is endeavouring to produce under the working title Panic! The Musical. “I think at the end of the day, I just want everyone to be as much of a nervous wreck as I am,” said Ziety. “I was always told that it was my duty to share my talents with the world, and my talents mostly involve sitting on my bed and crying about how we as a species are doomed to extinction. It’s a perspective I really think more people should have, if only so I’m not so alone all the time.” If You're Only Worried, You're Not Thinking Hard Enough will be available for online pre-order just in time to fuel your next panic attack.