Humour.

Breakup letters

From Elliot Chan, Heartbreaker

 

Breakup Letter #3
Dear Idiot,

Okay, I'll try to make this short—just the way you like it. We are breaking up. So please
don’t leave your Skype on anymore for me to watch you sleep. The sound of you snoring
no longer soothes me—and yes, you do snore. You wouldn’t know that because you're
asleep! You snore and fart too! Argh! I’m so glad I don’t have to have those arguments
anymore. And last week when I wore a new sweater and I asked you how I looked and you
know what? You said that I looked good. God, I hate you! That is not what I wanted to hear.
You didn’t even notice my new sweater. It was like you don’t even care that I looked good.
It was a really nice sweater, you asshole! And FYI, my mother didn’t like you even though
she was nice to you when you were over. She does that to all the boys I bring over. And out
of all of them, she liked you the least. Please return all the things I brought to your house
and left there as a means of making sure you were mine.

Have a good life—Not,

Disillusioned teenage girl

 

 

Breakup Letter #26
For my Platonic Love,

It was a mistake falling for you—a grave mistake and now we are both in danger. I have not
been completely honest with you or completely faithful. It shames me to tell you this, but I
am in love with another. Don’t be cross, for he is a sweet boy that treats me nice, although
he does have flaws. You see, he is a fallen angel-vampire-zombie...I know, I know... it has
been done, but that is not the point. The thing is that he knows about you and me. He said
he'd fight for me, for he is ever so noble. However I chastised him for being so stern, for
you are a mere mortal who doesn’t eat the flesh of the living after judging them Yes, I have
seen you without your shirt on and I know that you are reasonably fit. I’m certain you'd put
up quite a harrowing fight, but still I care for you and never want to see you hurt, especially
for me. So go on, leave me to die in his arms forever.

Painfully dramatic,

Disenchanted fable chick

 

 

 

Breakup Letter #33
To Client #1664,

Dear valued customer, on January 22, 2012, you signed up for an account on DatingLive.
org in hopes of meeting compatible people and developing lasting relationships. We at
DatingLive use a complex system through extensive research along with our secretary's
assumptions to find the perfect match. Over the past year we have set you up with
numerous women. After each date, you have left comments showing your satisfaction,
but still you remain single and a proud client of DatingLive. We are convinced that our
secretary was right about you and have matched you with one perfect partner after the
other. We regret to inform you that we must terminate your account on the fact that you, in
our secretary's words, have “no game.” You are playing with us and we don’t like being
played with. Each and every girl on DatingLive is like a sister to us. So if you hurt or toy
with any of them, we'll find you and fuck yo’ ass up.

We apologize for any inconvenience,

Disengaging automated response unit 7421 of the DatingLive Organization

 

 

22

 

Laugh out loud hilarious? Contact the editor at humour@theotherpress.ca

You(ji'}Comedy Classics

HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA

 

By Joel McCarthy, Graphics Manager

Before YouTube was overrun by cat videos, it was a platform
for comedy. So let’s remember the classics.

http:/ /www.youtube.com/ watch?v=ZZ5LpwO-An4

This video is addicting, amazing, and arguably life changing.
This video mixes the classic animated show of the 1980s He-Man
and the Masters of the Universe with a hastily recorded cover of the
1993 hit “What's Up?” by 4 Non Blondes, resulting in something
awe-inspiring. If you fall in love with this video and never want
it to end, you can also find a version of it that is a 10-hour loop.
Enjoy!

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