The “Other” News “Salty” Liam Britten saltyliam@ gmail.com Increase in gas price leads to increase in gas price-related small talk ‘Sa Ity” Liam Britten resident all-star Win gas prices hitting record highs worldwide, economists are now raising concerns about the amount of generic, inane banter occurring across the country on the subject. “This is indeed a worrisome issue,” said Professor John Helliwell of the University of British Columbia. “Day after day, millions of Canadians are being subjected to mildly irritating, pointless chatter about the cost of fuel. There’s really no end in sight.” Gossip analysts worldwide: are cautioning consumers to beware, stating that the best way to avoid a gas price conversation is to be aware. “Keep in mind that the kind of person who starts up a gas price conversation is always more scared of you then you are of them. And both of you are even more scared of gas prices,” says self-proclaimed gossip expert and line cook Alex Fern. “My advice to you is to tell the offender that there’s gas for two cents cheaper across town. If that doesn’t work, try and make yourself bigger than you appear. Stand on a box, wave your arms, maybe arch your back and hiss loudly.” While governments and consumers hoped that a switch to ethanol-based gasoline would drop the both the price of fuel and the amount of small talk, it seems that the prospect is losing steam within the scientific community. “It’s becoming more and more evident that ethanol was just a quick fix solution,” says Professor Neil Branda of Simon Fraser University’s Chemistry department. “With increased media savvy, consumers have simply switched from annoying ‘gas is too expensive,’ talk to annoying ‘ethanol doesn’t work’ talk. Consumers are still producing just as much hot air.” Consumers themselves feel that the problem is going to get worse before it gets better. “I don’t know what we’re going to do,” said Helen Marchant, 43. “I mean, without hockey to drive stupid small talk, what else is there to talk about but fuel costs? If things get any worse, I think I’m going to just quit small talk A local couple engages in inane banter about gas prices. for good, and just talk about my deep emotional problems and my menstrual cycle when I meet strangers.” Other analysts say that this whole situation reminds them of the time when they saw gas going for $1.49/litre one time. $1.49!? That’s ridiculous. You know, I hear it’s going to hit $3/litre in a year, Can you believe that? That’s just crazy. You know, I drive a mini-van, I have to, you know, I mean, I’ve got my kids and their hockey stuff, so there’s no other way, really. I mean I have been thinking of buying a hybrid, but I heard that they’re not really reliable, so what am I going to do? You know, I hear there’s a car than runs on water, but the government won’t let us have it. Isn’t that ridiculous?'I would totally drive to my MP’s office and complain, but he’s all the way across town, and tht would cost at least four dollars of gas, so I guess I’m screwed there. It’s all these taxes, that’s what it is. It’s crazy. That, and the oil companies. Do you think the Iraq War is the reason? I’d believe it, that thing’s just nuts. Is your car good on gas? Other Press writer has Canada Day hangover By Liam Britten, Humour Editor count .. fuck this shit... What the fuck time is it? Dammit, J.J. needs that the hell am I going to pay for gas today? Ah, fuck it, I'll find a way. Maybe if I just take some Pepto my stomach will article in like 20 minutes! Fuck! If I turn in copy late again he’s going to cut off my other thumb. I'll just turn on my computer... aaaaaaargh! That damn monitor light is killing me! It’s too bright, it’s giving me a headache. Maybe I’ll just drink some water, that usually helps. Oh god. That’s the last time I ever drink Colt 45. I don’t care how much they pay me next time; it’s not going to happen. God, I feel like my eyeballs are going to explode. Shit’s spinning and shit. I’ll just chew on this bread, maybe that’!] calm my stomach down. God, how much did I drink? Let’s see this bar receipt... beer, beer, jagerbomb, beer, beer, tequila slammer, rye and ginger, jagerbomb, jagerbomb, beer, double rye and ginger, jagerbomb, beer,... holy God, this is a $90 tab! How calm down. Oh man, this stuff takes like crap. I wonder if Tums are any good for stomach aches. Hell, they all suck, they don’t do shit. Man, I shouldn’t have taken that cough syrup last night, I wasn’t that sick, and now I’m just a whole lot worse. Damn, my mouth tastes like rotten cheese... did I puke? I guess I did. Who took me home last night, was it Steve? If I puked in his car, he’s going to be pissed. Ill just call him on my cell phone. Wait, why the hell did I send out four text messages last night? Aw, crap, I sent them all to my ex! What do they say... “I want you back,” “I’m not happy without you,” “You’re a dumb bitch,” “I take that last one back.” Fuck, I’m disabling my text features, this is the last time I drunk-text Lori. She is a dumb bitch, though. God, the stomach medicine is not working... Hey wait, why is my face covered in ink? Aw, shit, the guys drew dicks on my face! Those fuckers must’ve done it when I passed out. Son of a bitch! Wait, whose shirt am I wearing? Hey, this isa chick’s shirt! Maybe I got some last night! Wooocococo!! Happy Canada Day to me! Wait... I know this shirt... this is Lori’s shirt! Goddamn it, I fucked her, didn’t I? This is just great. If I have to break up with her a fourth time, it is going to suck balls. You know what, J.J.? I’m not finishing your damn article. I’ve got puking to do, a headache to heal, and a bitch to break up with. Up yours, buddy.