The “Other” News Scientists, Mathematicians Baffled as Buffalo Sabres Give 110 Percent Coach says mathematic impossibility the result “hustle, strong fore-check” By Iain “Pepper” Reeve L. post-game interviews following their decisive 6-0 victory over the visiting Atlanta Thrashers, Brian Campbell of the Buffalo Sabres told local sports media that the victory was a result of “just about the entire team giving 110 percent.” This statement, and the later confirmation coming from fellow teammates and the Sabres coaching staff, ignited fierce debate in the advanced mathematics community, as the maximum effort previously thought to be possible was 100 percent. Simon J. Nicklesworth, a senior math professor at New York State University notes that by definition a 100 percent effort should be the most one can give. “It’s a mathematical rule as fundamental as one plus one equals two.” He continued, shuffling uncomfortably in his chair, “if we begin to accept that one can give an effort above 100 percent, we may as well start believing that down is up, black is white, soft is hard.” Undaunted by the apparently dissenting fundamental rules of all science, physics, and math, Lindy Ruff, coach of the Sabres, said that his boys had “elevated their game” and that they “deserved the W.” “The boys really went out there and gave 110 percent,” he said, echoing the words of his players. He continued, “we were full of hustle and our forecheck was top notch. We just kept pressing and it forced them to make mistakes in their defensive zone.” When asked about the mathematically troubling nature of the 110 percent figure, Ruff noted that he had previously seen the team “give it their all,” and that on this particular evening the Sabres had given “even more.” “It seems pretty simple to me,” Ruff said, “if you give your best, then give a little more, is that not at least 110 percent?” “At least 110 coach!” retorted centre Tim Connolly, who was named the enigmatic game’s first star for his three point performance. Replying, Ruff yelled, “for sure Connolly! Hell, you gave 115 percent!” Some mathematicians have welcomed the news, saying that it opens amazing new doors for the theoretical study of math. “Coach Ruff has a point when he says that there needs to be some mathematical way of representing what happens when someone gives their all, and then surpasses that mark,” said Sandra Clark of UBC’s math department. “The sports community has done so much for increasing public interest in math over the years, what with the popular following of sports statistics, the least we can do it study this phenomena and help them understand it,” she concluded. “Personally, I’d love to study the Sabres and other teams to see if anyone can give 120 percent.” George W. Bush’s Iraq Policies “Winning Hearts and Minds” of Laura Bush By “Salty” Liam Britten WASHINGTON, DC— Speaking to an assembled crowd of reporters on the White House Lawn yesterday, President George W. Bush claimed his Iraq policies are wining over the public opinion of his wife, Laura Bush. “I know a lot of my critics are quick to say, “we have to cut and run’ and ‘we need to change course’, but to them I say, we need more time,” the president said. “America’s men and women are doing their-darndest to nip this thing in the bud, and we are making progress. We are fighting them over there, so I can get some poon-tang over here.” The president continued that with the troop surge going as planned, he soon may be permitted sexual relations as early as 2011. “T will not be held to deadlines imposed by Congress,” the President continued. “They all say, ‘Pull out in 2008’, and to that I say, I will never pull out.” While the President seemed optimistic about the prospects of victory 22 in Iraq in the near future, others do not share his outlook. “The president’s timetable is not based in reality,” retired general Ricardo S. Sanchez said during a CNN broadcast later in the day. “America will be in Iraq until at least 2029, the Iraqi forces are not in a state capable of taking over national defense, and Laura’s totally a prude.” The President had little else to say on the matter, aside from repeated crude gestures and hooting.