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Contact: Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
4 humour@theotherpress.ca

El] Harpo speaks

» Sean Penn recounts his secret visit with Stephen Harper

Jake Wray
Contrioutor

t was January 14. My day was a

mess of memos, phone calls,
text messages, saying one thing
but meaning another, emails
stored in draft form, running
off for a quick piss, completing
email drafts, sending emails,
and triple-deleting them. A
Conservative horror show for
the single most progressively-
inclined man left standing. I
was sitting in my room at the
Sandman Hotel Calgary City
Centre with my colleague, Colin.

Colin and I had met once
or twice, but no time was as
significant as this. Colin is the
platypus who rides a horse.
Whether he’s standing in the
midst of a scrum, a pub, ora
McDonald's, his overwrought
banality, slight body odour,
and forgettable smile have a
way of defusing suspicion.

We quietly made our plans,
sensitive to the paradox that
also in our hotel was Prime
Minister Justin Trudeau. Colin
and I left the hotel, winced at
the winter air, and walked the 83

 

: blocks toa constituency office,
: where we'd meet the fellow
: we expected to interview.

Flash frame: Why is this a

paradox? It’s paradoxical because
: today’s Canada has, in effect,

: two Prime Ministers. Among

: those two Prime Ministers, it was
: not Justin Trudeau who Colin

: and I had planned to see as we

: watched Friends reruns upstairs.

: It was not he who necessitated

: weeks of clandestine planning.

: Instead, it’s a man about my

: age, though absent any human

: trigonometry that may provide

: us a sense of buoyed palatability.

At 53 years old, in ’14, I was

: filming The Gunman, unneeded
: in the modern cinemascape,

: while he was hand drawing

: fantasy oil barrels, that, if

: real, might be the only path

: for he and his family to dream

: of beyond peasant farming.

They call him Harpo. Or

This issue:

(¥ Academy Awards nomination list released

(¥Y In remembrance
( The return of the king

And more!

: “Thievin’ Steven.” Stephen Joseph :
: Harper. The same Stephen

: Harper who—only three months
: earlier—had been humiliated

: at the polls by the Trudeau

: government and stunned the

: country with his extraordinary

: escape from the helm of the CPC.

The trust that Harper

: extended to us was not to be

: fucked with. This was to be the

: first interview Harper had ever

: granted outside an interrogation
: room, leaving me no precedent

: by which to measure the hazards.

We'd left the hotel at

: 5 p.m. By 7 p.m. we'd arrived at
: the constituency office.

= : Iresolved to open the door. I

: moved. I did open the door.

: And when I did, there he was.

Canada’s most famous prime

: minister: Stephen Harper. My

: mind was an instant flipbook

: of the hundreds of picturesand
: news reports I had scoured. There :
: is no doubt this was the real deal. :
: He was wearing a lame navy blue
: suit, and he appeared remarkably :
: well-groomed and healthy

: fora man who only recently

: experienced the unified ire of
: essentially every single Canadian. :

He turned his back to us,

: and we were intercepted bya

: staffer who had the look of a

: used car salesman. The staffer

: whisked us into a small, cramped
: waiting area, out of sight from

: the former prime minister. The

: staffer explained that we would

: be allowed to ask three pre-

: approved questions. We were

: given three minutes to formulate
: and submit our questions, We

: quickly scribbled our questions

: onto a Quizno's napkin that

: Colin found in his back pocket.

: The staffer then took the

; questions and disappeared.

After waiting about 45

: minutes, I lumbered over to

: the potted hydrangea to take a

: piss. Dick in hand, I do consider
: it to be among my body parts

: vulnerable to the wiles of

: irresistible conservative types,

> and take a fond last look, before

tucking it back into my pants.
The staffer returns as |

: am doing my belt back up.

“Sorry,” says the staffer.

: “Stephen is feeling pretty tired
: today. Shall we reschedule
: for next month?”

 

Academy Awards nomination list released

» Big wins expected for ‘Chipmunks’ and ‘Pixels’

Mercedes Deutscher
News Editor
© news@theotherpress.ca

his year’s Academy

Award nominations were
announced on January 14, and
so far, it appears that these
Oscars will be among some
of the greatest to date.

In case you haven't yet heard
who is nominated for which
category, here is a shortlist of
this year’s nominees for the film

industry’s most prestigious award:

Best Picture: Alvin and the
Chipmunks: The Road Chip,
Pixels, Fantastic Four, Hot
Time Machine 2, and The
Human Centipede: Part 3.

Best Actor: Adam Sandler, Pixels;
Kevin James, Paul Blart Mall Cop
2; Bill Murray, Rock the Kasbah;
Seth McFarlane, Ted 2; and

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant.

Best Actress: That Chick

from- 50 Shades of Grey; Kaley
Cuoco-Sweeting, Alvin & The
Chipmunks: Road Chip; Rihanna,

: Home; and everyone else just
: couldn’t hit the high expectations
: to receive a nomination.

: Snubs: Among films snubbed
: for the Academy Awards were
: Mortecai, Kingsman: The

: Secret Service, Entourage,

: and Terminator Genisys.

: Predictions
Best Picture:

: Who should win: Alvin and the
: Chipmunks: The Road Chip
: Who will win: Pixels

Alvin and the Chipmunks:

The Road Chip blew the
: competition out of the water

: on December 17, opening to
: glowing reviews. Granted, it
: is not particularly difficult to

: Best Animated Picture: Minions, : one-up a film as pathetic as

: Hotel Transylvania 2, Home,

: Alvin and the Chipmunks: The

: Road Chip, and Scooby-Doo! and
: KISS: Rock and Roll Mystery

: Best Director: Joe Wright,

: Pan; Adam Sandler, Cobbler;

: Walt Becker, Alvin and the

: Chipmunks: The Road Chip; Chris
: Columbus, Pixels; and M. Night

: Shyamalan, Something, I Guess.

: Star Wars: The Force Awakens,

: yet Chipmunks stands out with

: its gorgeous aesthetic and jaw-

: dropping soundtrack. However,

: I believe that Pixels will prevail

: and take the Academy’s most-

: prized award. It contains the lost}
: nostalgia that viewers have waited :
: years to recapture, all brought
: together with an outstanding

: performance by Adam Sandler.

: Best Actor:

: Who should win: Leonardo
: DiCaprio - The Revenant

: Who will win: Literally

: anyone else.

Leonardo DiCaprio delivers

: astunning performance in The

: Revenant, arole that has earned
: him the Golden Globe for Best

: Actor. Still, DiCaprio will be :
> snubbed, as he has been five times :
: before, as risk of the Internet

: exploding in the event that he

: actually wins is much too high.

 
  

: Best Actress:

: Who should win: Kaley

: Cuoco-Sweeting - Alvin &

: The Chipmunks: Road Chip

: Who will win: Rihanna - Home

Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting

: departs her frivolous role in The
: Big Bang Theory to take ona

: more serious part in Alvin & The
: Chipmunks: Road Chip. Despite
: best efforts, the Oscar will go to

Rihanna. Rihanna not only voices : year, he will take the Oscar

: simply because he is a directorial
: mastermind that not evena
: current, active director could rival.

: the main character in Home—
: alongside Cuoco-Sweeting’s
: Big Bang Theory co-star, Jim

Image via warner bros

: Parsons—but also sings most of
: the soundtrack, making Rihanna
: carry the entire film. She did

: more, so she'll probably win.

: Best Animated Picture:

: Who should win: Minions
: Who will win: Alvin & The

Chipmunks: Road Chip

Everyone's favourite yellow
friends have finally received a full-
length feature in their name. Yet

: will their popularity be enough?
: Probably not. Although Minions
: remains the fan-favourite, the

: Academy will not overlook

: the raw artistry of Alvin & The
Chipmunks: Road Chip.

: Best Director:

: Who should win: M.
: Night Shyamalan

: Who will win: M.

: Night Shyamalan

Even if M. Night Shyamalan

: didn’t actually direct a film this