humour / 22

 

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Canucks win cup

» Entire city of Vancouver shaken to its foundation

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

n breaking news today, the

Vancouver Canucks, for the first
time in the club’s existence, have
won the Stanley Cup playoffs!

In an intriguing and
unprecedented game seven
against the Ottawa Senators,
Henrik Sedin scored the game
winner in a record-setting
seventh overtime.

Henrik, renowned for
his shoot-first pass-second
philosophy, snapshotted the cup-
winning tally past Senators’ goalie
Andrew Hammond point blank—

: open at the other side of the net
: calling for the pass.

Stranger still, it seems that

: at the very moment the puck

: went across that line and the red
: goal light was set ablaze, a “chain
: reaction” of events began in the

: city of Vancouver.

Within minutes a bleak and

: rainy day cleared to bright and
: blue, and meteorologists citywide :
: are predicting sunny skies for the
; remainder of spring.

Farmers and petting zoo

: owners alike became outraged

: as their pigs sprouted pink, scaly
: wings and took flight above the

: city.

even with his brother Daniel wide :

The real estate market

: of Vancouver—once deemed

: the priciest in all of Canada—

: dropped drastically, and many of
: Vancouver’s homeless are finding
: affordable living in the West End.

The streets have miraculously

: cleared of all traffic congestion,

: as gas prices have plummeted

: due to the government deeming

: British Columbia an “oil-pipe free

zone’ from now until the end of

: all time.

A truly amazing day for

: Vancouverites, and the city
: is abuzz with (non-violent)
: celebration.

Who could have thought any

of this possible?

theotherpress.ca

 

 

  

 

All work and no play makes
Jack—surprisingly—a very
wealthy and comfortable,
self-actualized boy

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
i) humour

 

[° a statement released
yesterday, 20-year-old Douglas
College student Jack Dawson
spoke out about a common
misconception that has haunted
him his whole life.

“I know what people think

when they see me hanging out at :

: the library, working away—but
: I want people to know that I’m
: actually a very cool guy with a

: fun personality.

“I just have a lot of money

from working all the time, and
: I’m getting pretty good grades
: from all the studying.

“Just because I’m not

clubbing on a Thursday doesn’t
: mean I can’t have fun.

“Tam NOT a dull boy!”

 

Image from Thinkstock

MISSING

 

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

 

 

&/

STUDENT

» Absent group member wanted dead

or alive

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

young Douglas College

student has gone
missing recently, leaving his
Geography group fearing the
worst.

Allen Zacarias Wong
was last seen shortly after
Tuesday’s class the week
prior, and has since been
seemingly wiped off the face
of the earth.

“He hasn’t responded
to texts or emails, we might
even have to try calling him

eventually,” says Allen’s group

mate, Will Thurrows.

An amber alert has been
put out at both campuses,
with group searches and
candle-lit vigils being held
throughout the week.

Although Allan has
been absent for the past two
classes, his group mates still
remain hopeful, and held a

press conference earlier in the :

week to bring awareness to
the situation.
“We will not even

consider that the worst might :

have happened. That our
poor, poor little Al-pal could
have... might have... dropped
out of the class.” Thurrows
said through tears.

The plight of the group
: is especially urgent, as Allan
: was the one designated with
: creating the PowerPoint
: presentation, and all of its
: content.
“We honestly don’t care
: about finding him alive or
: dead, as long as he has a
: completed USB clutched in
: his cold little fingers.”
: The assignment is due
: in a week, and the group is
: urging all Douglas College
: students to be on the
: lookout.
They are offering a
reward of a May U-Pass anda
: used Geography textbook to
:; anyone with information that
: might lead to the rediscovery
: of their lost group mate.
: We have been informed
: that he will respond to Allen,
: or Mr, Wong, yet does not
: take kindly to Allayn, Al,
: Willy Wong-ka, Al-Pal, The
: Alanator, or Al-igator.
The search continues,
: and our thoughts and
: prayers are with Allan and
: his brave group mates, who
: have managed, even under
: these dire circumstances, to
: not actually get any of the
: assignment done themselves.
: A true example of college
: perseverance.