Shis issue:

(¥ Boring sport reinvented with a modern, ‘Hunger Games’-style twist

(Y Brick & Derision

(Y Twenty-something ennui meets the undead

And more!

Been told you're too funny?
Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
M4 humour@theotherpress.ca

www theotherpress.ca

 

‘Leo DiCaprio 1s my best friend and
I don't care who knows it’

» Jonah Hill's Oscars acceptance speech

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
4 humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

At Sunday’s 86th Academy
Awards, internationally
acclaimed thespian Jonah Hill
lost out in the Best Actor ina
Supporting Role category for

The Wolf of Wall Street. While

audiences were deeply saddened :

to be denied the glory of Hill’s
anticipated acceptance speech,
the Other Press has received
exclusive access to what we
are fairly sure might be Hill’s
acceptance speech. For your
consideration:

lease, please, sit down.
No seriously, sit down.
Yeah, I’m talking to you, James

anymore,
[pause for dramatic effect]

Ladies and gentlemen of
the Academy, you are about to
witness a murder.

: [pause for reaction]

Yeah, you heard me. I

: have been plotting, planning,

: waiting for this moment for

: years. The moment where I can
: finally kill “Jonah Hill, Michael
: Cera’s fat friend” and emerge,

: like a beautiful genius butterfly
: trapped ina cocoon of Judd

: Apatow’s lukewarm comedy,
his breathtaking performance in : #8 ™y true self: Oscar-winner

: Jonah Hill Feldstein, Leonardo
: DiCarprio’s best friend forever. :
: When I was younger, people :
: used to laugh at me—you :
: assholes, actually. You all used
: to say “Jonah, youre too big and :
: your eyes are too crazy or your

: delivery is over the top.” You

: told me I was the worst thing

: about Superbad. You made fun

: of my weight, and then you

: made Tumblrs about how I look
: like a skinny ventriloquist’s doll:
Franco. I don't fucking need you : when I lost the weight, and then :
: you called me “Superfat” when I
: puta little back on.

: [pause to smirk at that

: stupid, handsome loser

: Bradley Cooper]

: busy being total dicks, I just

: stayed at home, worked on

: my craft, and re-watched my
: Titanic two-tape VHS box set
: until I could play the part of

: Rose in my sleep. And then I did
: that. I played the part of Rose
: from Titanic in my sleep for,

: like, 10 years.

: [pause for uproarious

: laughter]

: best friend, Martin Scorsese’s
: protégé, and a mother-bleeping

: won this award, I can finally

: tell you all how much I hate

: you. Now that I am no longer

: Jonah “no real friends” Hill,

: now that I am Academy Award-
: winner Jonah “no new friends

: godforsaken life—be happy.
: [hoist Oscar statuette above
head, mightily]

[literally drop the mic]

Well, while you guys were

Well, now I’m standing
here before you: I am now Leo's

Oscar-winner. Now that I’ve

because Leo’s my bff” Hill, I can
finally—for the first time in my

 

Thank you, and FU.

Jonah Hill at the 86 Academy Awards // www.ibtimes.com

 

Midterms are (1).

(4)

mean, | meant to (7)

seriously, (13)
have (15)

couldn't not (17)
(19)

 

Word Bank

1. Adjective

Verb ending in “ing”
Adjective

Favourite kind of drink, plural
A place at Douglas College

» Verb ending in “ing”
Unproductive activity
Adjective

9. Place you go to at night

Pe de be

post

And for what? A grade that (3)

‘Test day, round two. (14)

MIDTERM MADS LIBS MADNESS!

Miia Senate! Wael Some

. All this studying and (2)

time,

during the (18)

through this one, Or maybe | could (20) .
On a more serious note, the Other Press wishes everyone the best of luck on
their upcoming tests! You should definitely (21)
how-to-pass-your-test guide. Save the copious (22)

ia, The answer you would give to
the last person you spoke to
asking you out

u. Something you'd consume

12. An occupation

13. Verb

14. Your favourite expletive

15, Something you do when you
think no one’s watching, ending
with “ed”

employers probably won't even care
about. But, that’s how it goes. We'll just have to bunker down, chug a couple of
,and see what happens. | guess | should head to the (5)

Test day, round one. Sure wish | hadn't stayed up all night (6). |

. But it was just too (8)
someone asks you to come out toa (9).
” Free (11)

_ it’s pretty hard to say (10)
too! What's a (12) to
do? It’s okay though, if | get 50 per cent I'll still pass the class. But tonight,

. | messed up again. | mean, sure, | could
. But come on. (16)

Unofficial official poll:
‘What are you really doing during class?’

and testing, By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

. When

was on. And like, I
. It's okay though. I'll just

,and use this asa
till after!

 

 

@ Listening attentively and learning the course materials
®@ Cunningly checking Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,

16. Your mom's fave show

17. Rhymes with “sink”

18, An event youd sit through

19. Type of locomotion

20. Another type of locomotion

a1. Anything other than “study”

22, Verb your mother wouldnt want
you to take part in, ending in “ing”

or Twitter underneath the table

Thinking of a way to start a conversation with that
hot guy/girl across the room

Fantasizing about being/being with Beyoncé

Daydreaming about lunch

 

 

By Allie Davison, Contributor

 

*Note: this is officially unofficial