Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca Your Horoscopes > See what the universe is deciding for your future this week! Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor If today is your birthday... Due to the rotation of the planet and its trajectory around the sun, your Facebook feed is bound to be cluttered with well-wishing messages today—some from people you expect, some from people you haven't spoken to in five years, and there will also be noticeable gaps where people you expected to wish you a happy birthday did not, in fact, leave you a message. You will think about what this all means for longer than you should. This is the time Z for daring dos. f A R | ES we Do something ye you wouldn't (MARGH 21-APRIL 20)", = otherwise do yy to prove that you are, in fact, super brave and outgoing. Try bungee-jumping! Or meeting new people! Or quitting your job! None of these things will go well for you, but the stars say it’s a good idea to do it anyway. Just make sure your life insurance is up to date before you do all that doing. *., oe, . TAURUS oo * Taurus, you've been worrying far too much Me », (APRIL 21-MAY 21) recently, and ee a it’s really FP ilo starting to * harsh your mellow. So put aside financial worries, relationship insecurities, career anxieties, the encroaching malaise of a life that feels so much less than what you'd hoped for, what you dreamed about when you were young... where did that drive and energy go, it feels like only yesterday your life path was set so clear and bright before you, and now you are older than you were but younger than you feel you should be, * * Anyway, put aside all that and you'll bea as much happier person! Spa ‘ Your mantra this week should be: “Every day in every way I get better and better and better.” , VIRGO 7 and you are lost, so lost... (¥ US Senate to impeach Trump (¥ Undergraduate student sues Psychology department (¥ Mind reader inundated with pornographic images during boring lecture And more! Here at the Other Press, we care about putting the $10,000 per week retainer we spend on our in- house psychic to good use. Let’s see what the cosmos have in store for you this week! Because it’s true! Sing this to yourself in the shower. Say this to your reflection. Make it your voicemail message. Mutter it to yourself on public transit. Whisper it under your breath at work. Everyone will be entirely captivated by your self-confidence! And if they aren't, they're probably just jealous. apres /CANCER (JUNE 22-JULY 23) You've spent so much time caring for other : people, Cancer, it’s x time to give yourself a " little break. It’s time to restore the balance of the universe—time to care for yourself by beating the ever-loving shit out of others. Verbally, physically, it honestly doesn’t matter. Pamper yourself by telling that lying, cheating co-worker of yours how much of an unbelievable dick they are. Practice self-care by turning down a party invitation with brutal honesty: “No, Helen, I’m not busy, I just don’t like you.” This will help restore your inner chi, and will make your busy life so much less hectic! LEO *., Due to the position we * of Mars, your luck (JULY 2-AUG 25) r will be plentiful and a *.. your endeavours we * universally successful. . “i i Due to the position of a . i Meee i Pluto, however, your luck will be terrible and your endeavours are doomed to fail. So, they both kind of cancel out and your week should be relatively normal. Be careful crossing the road this week. Not for any particular reason. It’s just always good to be aware. mr, -g (AUG 2-SEPT.23) * ae , eee * * A malevolent spirit has attached itself to you and LI bea / has been following in your (SEPT e GGT 23) footsteps for quite some time now. However, it’s taken a x soseeseneneees Ko... * liking to you, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. It’s agood week for you to pick lottery numbers. SCORPIO (OCT 2-NOV 22) / * * This is a week of low energy and general fatigue. Because of this, you may find it hard : to complete school f : * es work on time. Feel : a free to present this * * horoscope as proof oe : of your condition to your professors while asking for an extension. (Note: Please do not actually do this) Fun fact: Capricorn is the Other Press Humour Editor’s sign! This means you should give her money. If you see Other Press Humour Editor Rebecca Peterson, give her money. It will benefit a Capricorn greatly. AQUARIUS (JAN 21-FEB 19) ..-® CAPRIGORN “ny (DEG 22-JAN 20) . You should probably also give Humour Editor Rebecca Peterson money. It’s good we we karma. So says the stars. : oe * pe * * PISCES = *« fee ty (FEB 20-MAR 20) ® ae *® I’m not saying there’s someone reading this article over t your shoulder. I’m saying there’s a strong * possibility someone is reading this article * over your shoulder. Make friends with this 5 person. They are your * only hope of survival * when the apocalypse * ee Wer ¥ strikes. Soon. * ‘Roll up the Rim’ winner disappointed. to receive car instead of free coffee > ‘At the end of the day, I don’t think any of us were playing for the car’ Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor A local Tim Hortons customer made eadlines the other day after winning a free Honda Civic in the popular nation-wide contest. However, far from expressing excitement over the victory, lucky winner Arby MacDonald has taken to social media to express his disappointment regarding the nature of his prize. “I’ve been playing ‘Roll up the Rim’ for years now, and I’ve never gone through a contest season without collecting a few free coffees and donuts,” said MacDonald ina Facebook post yesterday. “I haven't gotten any of that shit this year. Instead, after fifteen freakin’ tries, I get a damn car. Well, I don’t need a damn car; I already have a damn car. What I need is some damn coffee.” MacDonald submitted a complaint to Tim Hortons’ HR department, demanding the winning car cup be replaced by its monetary equivalent in “Free Coffee” cups. So far, he has not received a reply. “At the end of the day, I don’t think any of us were playing for the car,” said MacDonald at the end of his post. “There’s so much logistical bullshit involved in receiving a free car. I wanted the beautiful simplicity of a free cup of coffee, and that’s that.” The Other Press reached out to Tim Hortons for a statement, but has so far yet to receive a response.