210

The day of the year I wish never existed.

 

ax

» Trying to escape Valentine’s is futile

Tania Arora
Staff Writer

 

am single by choice. Honestly, I am

happy making that choice and sticking by
it. But that happiness lasts for 364 days of
the year. There is one day—yes, Valentine’s
Day—that is the one and only day where I
sit and cry in my bathroom hoping I don't
have to go anywhere and wondering what
punk decided to name this day “the day of
love”

I have feel as lonely as I do on this
terrifying day. People—let me correct
myself—COUPLES have hyped this day
so much that I see even the color of the
sky turning pink and red. In hopes of
avoiding everything, I made the worst
decision of my life this year: I planned to
work on Valentine's. It would be fine if my
workplace was a retail store or a corporate
office... but I work at a restaurant and never
before have my sad feelings become even
more sad.

To begin with, my dress code was
red that night and so was the theme of
the restaurant. The big tables were split
into tables for two. And to make it even
mushier, each one was decorated as if it
was their first date. The drinks, dessert,
and even the food was valentine themed.

I feel sick to my stomach writing and
remembering that sight.

If we are celebrating love for each

other and relationships, why isn’t there an
official day to celebrate self-love, or people
who are big time single? The things that I
see add more to my concern surrounding
this sappy day.

1. Couples walking and sitting hand in
hand

Couples requested tables where they could
awkwardly sit next to each other instead
of facing each other. ] mean, what’s wrong
here? Is your partner that ugly or are you
that horny that your fingers refuse to stay
calm? The remaining days of the year you
either don’t want to see your partner or just
sit wherever and however you like... but
suddenly, on this occasion, you want to sit
next to each other and touch each other.

Why.

2. The unpaid photographer

Ifyou ask me if ] had a badge which said
“photographer,” and I would say no. My
restaurant did not advertise any such offer.
Yet, the entire night, I was asked to take
pictures of people I don’t know. And I was
okay with this in the beginning... until
every couple asked me to take a few shots
while they kissed. My heart is still crying
while I write this. Either you give me a kiss
too or walk right out of my sight.

3. Decorations

It wasn't enough to see love being
showered all over social media and
between people around me. I must

 

Have an idea for a story?
M humour@theotherpress.ca

* The 'Other' Other Press
¢ Trying to escape Valentine’s is futile

e Student hibernates through entire
study break

..and that's everything!

 

 

even see retail stores and malls were all
decorated with roses and hearts. For once
give single people a thought. There are
people on this planet who have got no one
to celebrate this day with, who are single.
Put up a decoration for single people.

Photo by Billy Bui

1 am open to receiving
recommendations of places to escape
where even if I see couples, I just don’t
hear the word Valentine or find color red
anywhere.

Student hibernates through entire study break

» Researchers stunned by pupil's ability to get absolutely nothing done

Caroline Ho
Web Editor

 

Lc student Mary Knight has
astounded peers and sleep scientists
everywhere by being the first to enter a
state of student hibernation.

Knight, a second-year student at
Douglas College, reportedly went to sleep
on the evening of Friday, February 14, and
awoke on the morning of February 24 to
discover that she had slept through the
entire winter study break.

“I was sitting in bed and had opened
a book to start studying, and I must have
closed my eyes for a second because the
next thing I knew it was Monday morning
a week and a half later,’ Knight told the
Other Press.

Friends and family told reporters
they had been a little concerned about
not hearing from her for ten days, but
that disappearing into her room for long
stretches at a time wasn’t unheard of
behaviour for Knight.

Knight’s roommate Amy Choi told
reporters, “I thought she was just in
her room re-watching Friends for the

 

fourteenth time. I considered knocking to
make sure she was okay, but she always gets
really emotional during the finale of Season
6 when Chandler and Monica get engaged
so I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

Hibernation researchers and
procrastination enthusiasts have been
following Knight's story closely in hopes of
understanding the phenomenon. Anselm
Nia, Director of the Yonge Association for
Wintertime Nocturnality (YAWN), said the
phenomenon of student hibernation has
been theorized for decades, but this is the
first confirmed case he’s heard of.

“Tt seems as if the very utterance of
the phrase ‘study break’ has a profound

 

   
 

nh na
= ~

Wrist

YY a N

effect on the student brain, triggering a set
of chemical processes that cause higher-
level neurological activity to essentially
cease for the duration of the break,”
said Nia. “In fact, it’s been scientifically
shown that simply being a student and
spending enough time within a post-
secondary educational institute alters one’s
brain chemistry. This is an evolutionary
advantage that allows students to pull all-
nighters, and allows them to metabolize
three energy drinks yet still fall asleep in
the middle of a lecture.”

Knight had reportedly celebrated
the start of the study break by eating an
entire large pizza by herself, which YAWN

  

theorizes had given her body enough
calories to maintain itself in a state of
suspended animation for over 160 hours.

“Tt’s probably helped by the
combination of pineapple and cheese
in the pizza, both foods proven to boost
serotonin levels,” Nia said.

YAWN hopes that studying Knight’s
case will allow them to better understand
the psychological effects of the words
“study break” on a student’s ability to get
absolutely nothing productive done.

“What I really want to know, though,
is how her bladder didn’t explode,” said
Nia.

Knight said she isn’t surprised to
find she’s the first human to successfully
hibernate during this period of no class.

“T always thought my Patronus would
bea squirrel, so it totally makes sense,” she
said.

Reporters asked if she felt unprepared
for heading back to class after missing
an entire week supposedly dedicated to
studying and catching up on assignments.

“I mean, it’s not like anyone else did
anything useful either,” she said. “Now,
if you'll excuse me, I’m going to go start
storing up energy for Easter weekend.”