Shis issue:

(Y ‘Bless me Eric, for | have sneezed!’

(Y Spencer's shiny rocks

Ce acmaO naman MMULCel(-Renll(s)

And more!

Been told you're too funny?

Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

4 humour@theotherpress.ca

www.theotherpress.ca

 

‘Bless me Eric,

for Ihave sneezed’

 

=
Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

» Local man literally loses soul after jerk friend fails to perform

basic social nicety

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor

he & humour

I? an incident that experts
are classifying as really
spooky, a 23-year-old
Coquitlam man is undergoing
treatment for an acute case of
soullessness following a fit of
allergy-induced sneezing last
Sunday. According to medical
professionals, the man, Bruce
Wayne, starting sneezing

at about 2:53 p.m.—and his

 
 

him.
“What we know is that

: Mr. Wayne could not stop

: the sneezes. What we do not
: know is why the heck his

: friend Eric didn’t just bless

: him. What, like it’s hard or :
: something?” explained the lead :
: physician on Wayne's case, Dr.
: Spaceman.

Indeed, everyone knows

: that if someone sneezes in

: your vicinity, you should say,
: “Bless you.” If you fail to bless
: a sneezer, his or her soul is at
: risk for being flung from the

: body forever. Also, it’s just

friend Eric totally did not bless good manners.

Unfortunately for Wayne,

Eric just did not oblige. As a
* result, Wayne will likely suffer

: the lifelong consequences

: of having no soul. Wayne’s

: symptoms include being really
: rude to everyone, not crying

: at the opening sequence of the

movie Up, and being terrible at

: dancing.

“Yeah, I feel pretty bad

: about the whole thing,” said

: Eric. “I was really into this

: Clash of Clans game on my

: phone though, so I just didn’t
: notice.”

“T have no soul now,”

responded Wayne. “Thanks a
: lot, Eric.”

And that’s why you should

never play Clash of Clans.

——ae

Doencer 5 Shiny Tf ¢ ccks

 

You. dont hate your girlfriend, do you?
Well then, prove it by buying a tiny shiny rock.

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

Spencer's shiny rocks

» Ours our the shiniest of all the shiny

rocks

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

legance. Beauty. Love.
Passion
That’s what you'll find at

Spencer’s.

Our shiny rocks aren’t
like the other guys’, because
I said so, and I am a voice on
the radio youre constantly
forced to listen to!

If you actually love your
girlfriend, you'll give us
money, or she'll know she
means absolutely nothing to
you! In fact, if you don’t buy
her our products, you must
actively hate her! You don't
hate your girlfriend, do you?
Well then, prove it by buying
a tiny shiny rock.

“forever” and “eternity” and
“we should be together until
our mortal bodies decay into
the sweet relief of death.”

Every woman needs a
Spencer’s shiny rock, and if
you aren't going to get her
one, she will—and should—
find someone who will!
Probably her “friend,” Lance,
from the gym.

It’s the best way of
desperately trying to cling

: to the relationship you

: both know is falling into

: ruin—a last hopeless plea of
: romance! Of course she will
: stay with you if you spend

: enough money on her!

the heart of a shiny rock from :

Don't worry, we know

: that people hate our radio
: commercials; in fact we

: constantly acknowledge

: it as if it was some sort

: of gimmick. Isn’t that

: hilariously fun?

Dont forget about that

holiday/anniversary that

: is coming up, because for

: the past month we've been

: reminding her that this is

: what a loving boyfriend/

: husband would get her, and

: that anything else means you
: think she’s worthless. That

: handwritten poem you spent
It is the perfect way to say : hours on? Garbage! Spending
: money on an activity to

: experience together?

: Absolutely heartless.

Nothing compares to our

: shiny rocks, and our shiny
: rocks alone.

Remember guys, the best

way to turn the girlfriend into
: a wife all comes down to the

; monetary value of the rock

: you present her, so go big!

Or you'll die alone.