Have an opinion? Contact us at opinions @theotherpress.ca aa Battle of the beers: Part II Breaking down the best of the worst brews around By Jacey Gibb, Opinions Editor alloween’s a distant memory, Christmas is still over a month away, and we've just endured our first snowfall of the year. To top it off, there are more greasy moustaches floating around campus than at a Death Cab for Cutie concert. Could November get any worse? Luckily, everyone’s favourite annual, informal, unofficial, mostly arbitrary Battle of the Beers is here to keep you warm through the increasingly darker nights— though that might be the alcohol in your bloodstream talking. I love me some beer, but at the same time, I also like paying my rent and not being evicted. This coexistence of likes usually forces me to pass on treats like Stella or Alexander Keith’s, in favour of beverages that people primarily look down on me for. In order to provide you with the most educated and informed breakdown of the cheapest beers being offered at your friendly neighbourhood BC Liquor Store, my roommate and I purchased a six pack of each and sat down to share an evening of soft jazz and intellectual stimulation. Several games of beer pong and eight trips to the bathroom later, I present to you our final report on who’s who in the cheap brew zoo. 16 Cariboo Percentage: 5.5 | Damage: $7.79 This guy gets bonus points for being as common as an acoustic guitar around a campfire, but as far as taste goes, it’s a dud. Its flavour seems to be a treacherous balance between traces of soap and what it would be like to lick a homeless person’s armpit while the roommate described it as “like sour milk, but still bearable.” Are we having fun yet? To make things worse, the deeper we dove into our cans, the more we realized the beer tasted flatter than the prairies. The 5.5 percent for under eight bucks is a nice draw though. Wildcat Percentage: 6.1 | Damage: $12.29 Rightfully nicknamed “Shitty Kitty,” Wildcat’s high potency and ability to come in a 15-pack have made it a recurring contributor to my weekend debauchery, but that doesn’t make it the best. When actually faced with having to describe what Wildcat’s taste is like, one realizes how surprisingly weak it is. We both agreed that it had a watered down taste present, with a seemingly dehydrating aftertaste. But to be fair, I’ll probably pick up a pack of the stuff this weekend anyways. Pabst Blue Ribbon Percentage: 4.9 | Damage: $8.29 Aside from when I attend the occasional plaid party at the Biltmore, I’ve stopped drinking the hipster weapon of choice. Is it because I’m making a statement about my individuality and am boldly breaking out on my own? No, not really. While admittedly this used to be one of my regular picks, I fell out of love the moment I heard from a liquor store clerk that they were lowering the percentage from 5.9 to 4.9. The whole situation has left a bitter taste in my mouth—probably where that one percent used to be. If the beer companies are willing to try pulling a fast one on us, who can we trust?! Brava Percentage: 5 | Damage: $7.54 The beer’s title, which in Italian means praise for a female performer, is definitely the only noticeable aspect of Brava. The overwhelmingly mundane flavour can’t go unnoticed, especially when it comes with such a Gold Percentage: 6.3 | Damage: $7.99 Finally, a beer deserving of its achievement related name! Gold has the privilege of being the second most potent beverage on the list, right behind Ironhorse, but unlike its stronger beer counterpart, Gold doesn’t taste like wolf urine. In fact, I would go as far as to say it tastes alright. It has an unexpected kick in the balls aftertaste, but is slightly bitter. My roommate complained that his throat tasted like sewage after he was done his can, but I’m attributing that to us being drunk by this point. Big Surf Percentage: 5 | Damage: $7.99 The tropical beach scene design on the can caught my eye, but it was the price tag that sealed the deal. Thankfully, Big Surf beer is almost as easy on the tastebuds as it is on the eyes. The general agreement was that it in fact didn’t taste like a cheap “Several games of beer pong and eight trips to the bathroom later, | present to you our final report on who's who in the cheap brew zoo.” distinguishable name. My roommate argued that it was not that bad, but to win Battle of the Beer, a brew must be more than just not that bad. Ironhorse Percentage: 6.4 | Damage: $7.69 Last year’s champion (“It’s the Buckley’s of the beer world: it tastes awful, and it works.”) has fallen far in my books. I was primarily blinded by my unemployment goggles back then—concerned only with stretching my beer budget tighter than my roommate’s jeans. But since those dark days, I’ve reassessed what I look for in my alcohol. Like drinkability. Lately, I’ve found that I can’t bypass the awful taste, no matter how much lime juice I mix in or how fast I beer bong it. Needless to say, Ironhorse won't be getting the gold this time around. beer at all, but perhaps something that you would order a pint of in a restaurant. Not bad for a beer whose can looks like it would have tropical fruit punch inside. And the winner is... Gold! I swear that I didn’t give it first place solely based on the name—though funny how that worked out. While I wasn’t lying in saying that my priorities in beer have changed over the last year, the 6.3 is still too damn attractive for me to pass up. As well, it hovers around the same price mark as the other guys and doesn’t declare war on my tastebuds like Ironhorse. So there you have it folks. I hope this guide has made you as thirsty as I am, and I’ll see all of you next year, supposing that I don’t succumb to alcohol poisoning before then.