SPORTS Anderson to Release Debut Country CD Basketball star part of a Russian witness relocation program By Brian McLennon, OP Sports Editor After hiding his secret for years, James Anderson of the Douglas men’s bas- ketball team finally admitted he is a country music star here on a witness relocation program from former Soviet Republic state of Estonia. “Tt’s all I could do to save myself from the unspeakable horrors that I would have faced,” said an emotional Anderson. Speaking to hundreds of reporters, and hundreds of screaming fans back in Estonia watching via internet video stream, Anderson gave details about his underground operation to topple the Russian music community with American style country music. “IT wanted them to experience the high and joy I feel everyday when I hear the strings of the ‘git-tar’ in an ‘ole country melody,” he said. “Until they hear the sounds of the open range, where horses gallop and cattle roam free, until they hear the freedom calling, they won’t know what freedom is.” Spontaneously breaking out in melody, Anderson starting singing, clapping and toe tapping the famous “<< Alabama song “Mountain Music.” Using a sophisticated network of audio wiring, cassettes, mixing boards, and microphones, the bearded Mountain Music Festival man would “bang out” country drawl tunes in his hidden studio to supply the under- ground country music community in the eastern block. “It’s crazy over there [Estonia],” he said. “You could do a lot of time for playing that stuff. But I was deter- mined to have every household rattling spoons to the country sounds.” Anderson contributes the fall of communism to underground country music movement. “The country music movement has turned into a revolu- tion. We were like the Black Panthers in American 60s culture...the only thing is that we. wore twenty gallon hats, Mofo... we rolled with twenties!” After being discovered by Russian authorities, Anderson agreed to a plea bargain and was placed into the wit- ness relocation program which brought him to Vancouver. He said he wouldn’t speak about the details of the case, but he did mention that there several key “playas” in the music “game” in Russia that didn’t appreciate him cutting into their “juice.” “1 thought he just had a knack for great eastern block accents” said team- mate, Geoff Lenahan. “He would imi- tate Arnold in The Terminator perfectly.” American Beefcake Ballet By Brian McLennon, OP Sports Editor In a bizarre sequence of events, a member of the Royals men’s soccer team woke up clutching the National Championship trophy for “Best Artistic Routine” in Men’s Ballet. Wearing the championship banner as loin clothe and his leotards as some sort of head dress, the disoriented athlete was at a loss for how the whole thing could have taken place. “It’s the strangest thing,” he said, “the whole night is a blur. I don’t remember a thing?” Despite a foggy memory, the striker seemed pretty proud of his accomplishment. “Tt’s kind of cool.” He said admiring the trophy. Still showing signs of a championship performance, he walked gingerly across his bedroom floor, obviously sore from some serious pirouetting. “The last thing I remember was getting ready for a night on the town to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.” That could well explain the head dress made out of green spandex leo- tards. According to the Canadian National Centre for Performing Good in Ballet, the performance was one of the most memo- rable in years. The performance had TV pro- ducers from NBS (National Broadcast ~ System) talking about launching a TV reality series...American Beefcake in Ballet. When asked what he thought about appearing in a new hit reality show, he responded by saying, “I’m Canadian though?”