Shis issue:

(¥Y Is discomfort food the latest fad?

(¥ Humans of New West
(Y ‘We think we're people too!’

And more!

Been told you're too funny?

Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
M4 humour@theotherpress.ca

www theotherpress.ca

 

Basic basics 9

» A lookbook for basic bitches

  

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
humour
@theotherpress.ca

et’s face it: if pop culture and Iggy

‘Azalea have taught us anything this
year, it’s that it’s super hard to be a fancy,
baddie bitch. What’s a girl to do? This
fall, embrace your essential basic-ness
with these select fundamentals to get you
started; and, if these fail, just throw some
money at the situation and get yourself
some Gucci, Gucci, Louis, Louis, Fendi,

Fendi, Prada.

 

Oo BASICS acrylic paints

for your basic portrait-painting needs.

 

® Windows Visa Home Basic
bitches got to do their basic computing.

 

&) Christina Aguilera’s 2006 studio album, Back to Basics

basic music for basic ladies.

  

 

   

| oO Basic menthol ultra light cigarettes

for your basic chemical addictions.

 

@ H&M Basics Collection grey T-shirt
to really wash yourself in basic-ness.

| Basic Instinct DVD

to feed your eyeballs with basicality.

 

In Focus: Local asshole continues to make world worse

» Man spreads wrath to all

   

! Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

R= clothing store
anager, Rob Linden, is
renowned by his community,

a constant source of misery,
anxiety, and intimidation to all.

his weight around in as many
situations as possible and for
his inability to retain a quiet or
profanity-free conversation, Rob
is a truly negative asset to all
those he comes in contact with.
“Normally I get along with
most folks, but Rob is just one
of the worst people I’ve ever
met,” said schoolteacher and
crisis hotline volunteer Ned
Murray. “His kids played Little
League with my kids, and he
was always getting thrown
out of games for yelling and
throwing beer bottles at the
umpire. I know there isn’t any
crying in baseball, but don’t

: tell that to his son after striking :
: out

”

Elizabeth Linden, Rob’s

: sister, confirmed that Rob’s

: general jerk-ass-ness “isn’t due
: to some horrible event that

: happened when he was growing :
: up... he’s just always been a
: terrible person. I can’t recall
employees, and family for being : a single interaction we had

: that wasn't hostile. It would be
: funny if it wasn’t so sad towards :
Particularly known for throwing : my family relationship, but I

: suppose, ‘what else could you

: expect from Rob?”

Even Rob's wife and

: children confirmed his

: unpleasantness. “I ask myself
: every day how I stand being

: in the same room as this man
: for more than a minute,” said
: Rob’s wife of 10 years. “If not for :
: the $10-million he won in the
: lottery when we first started

: dating, I would’ve married :
: someone else long ago. Perhaps :
: anice schoolteacher, someone
: who volunteers.”

“Daddy’s a real asshole,”

added Rob’s five-year-old
: daughter, Becky.

I caught up with Rob

: personally at a Starbucks during
: his self-extended lunch hour.

: After bringing the barista to

: tears for serving him the wrong

type of coffee, Rob demanded

to know what “liberal lame-

: stream media” I was with.

: After politely explaining which
: college I was from (“one of

: the worst in the country, only

hacks and brainwashed nerds

: go there,” he replied) and my

: interest in journalism with a

: focus on human interest stories
: (or in Rob’s words, “pussies

: writing about self-righteous

: losers”) we began the interview.
: Rob gleefully described his

: interests in viewing professional
: contact sports, being active

in Conservative party politics,

: and attending homeowner
: association meetings.

At press time, Rob was
spotted driving out of the two

: parking spots he takes up at

: work while telling a homeless
: man begging for change to get
: ajob.