humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca Vancouver unveils new city logo proposals > City is confident sleek new designs will avoid controversy Greg Waldock Staff Writer he City of Vancouver has revealed the new options for the official city logo following the disastrous release of the previous logo in early 2017. “Our previous attempt was a failure, and we acknowledge that,” said a spokesperson for the city council. “So we decided to go a completely different route with it. We tried to design the old logo by committee through an actual artist with experience, so this time we'll be cutting out the middle man. Each logo proposal comes straight from the bureaucracy itself!” The designs were drawn up individually by council members and other public servants, then given toa graphic designer hired by the city. “He’s just there to make them digital,” said Tim Stevenson, city councillor. “What do graphic designers know about art? Now politicians—THOSE are the true creative types.” At a press conference last week, Mayor Gregor Robertson proudly showed an image his daughter drew as a kid and said it was up for consideration, alongside submissions from other children of members of the municipal government. The Conservative Party attempted to propose their own city logos, but the movement was blocked by Kellie Leitch when she found out she’d have to use non-white crayons. CITY OF VACNOUVER Vance ® We found the graphic designer, Michael Durham, in the fetal position at City Hall, surrounded by stress balls and crushed energy drink cans. “They come up here every three hours with a new design,” he had said through choked-back tears. “They don’t listen when I say a design is ugly, or offensive, or derivative. Or all three. They just roll their eyes and tell me to ‘computer it out.’ See this?” The designer VANCOUVER had then pulled out an office memo from his desk drawer. “These are instructions from the mayor himself to have the logo feature running water. Real, actual, wet running water. Ina picture. I talked to my manager but she said I'd be fired if I complained. I went to the Art Institute, man.” As we interviewed Mr. Durham, a councilwoman had walked in and told him to “switch the ‘C’ and the ACT VARQWER, XY Beacon of Tolerance Greg Waldock ‘N’ in the old controversial logo, and re-release it,” because the typo would be “quirky and fun, like the kids with their texting nowadays.” The city council attempted to hold an online poll to decide the winning logo, which was immediately overrun by trolls and ended in a tie between a Nazi swastika made of rolled joints and a communist hammer- and-sickle made of rolled joints. Groom gets cold feet, can't find any socks > Wedding party left in anguish Chandler Walter Assistant Editor evastation struck a wedding party last Friday, as what was supposed to be a joyous gathering turned tragic when the groom abruptly declared that he had to leave. The groom in question, Mark Clover, announced to his best man and groomsman that he was beginning to get cold feet a mere two hours before the ceremony was supposed to commence. “He had just such a look of terror in his eyes,” said Mik Teabold, the best man of the missing groom. “All he mentioned was something about cold feet, and then he took off down the road in his car.” Teobold soon—and “accidentally,” if he is to be believed—alerted his girlfriend, Lana Chong, of the situation. Chong, being the maid of honour, felt it was her duty to relay the message to the would-be bride, Tina Larp. “I’ve never heard a noise come from a human being that was so... piercing,” Chong said. “I thought I was doing the right thing in telling her that Mark was gone, but I know, now, that I probably should have held onto that knowledge for a little while longer. Well, hindsight is 20/20, right?” Larp immediately called off the wedding, sent all of her—and Clover’s— relatives home, and ordered Chong on arun to McDonald’s for grief chicken nuggets. “Thank goodness she sent me to McDonald’s,” Chong said. “I don’t know what would have happened if I’d have stayed.” Evidently, the ex-maid-of-honour ran into Clover in the Walmart’s McDonald’s lineup, as he was picking up a junior chicken and a 15 pack of white socks. Clover, unbeknownst to any of his groomsmen, had forgotten to put on socks that morning, and didn’t want to have “ice-cold feet” when he and his wife-to-be entered their honeymoon bed. “T honestly have never heard the term ‘cold-feet’ used in any other context than literally just having not warm feet. Until now, of course,” Clover said in an interview. “What an odd way to describe ‘second-thoughts.’ I mean, obviously if I was having second- thoughts about the whole thing, I would say something like: ‘I’m having second thoughts about this whole thing,’ not that my feet are cold.” Chong and Clover returned to the venue to find the wedding cake destroyed, the pavilion alight in greenish hellfire, and all of the presents missing. They managed to locate the relatives who had left, put out the flames, and order a new cake, which significantly calmed a raging Larp. The happy couple explained the mix up to everyone, spoke their vows shortly after, and left for a romantic Mexican honeymoon. Unfortunately, the missing presents were never recovered, though Vancouver police urge all residents to be on the lookout for a tall, bearded man, anda silver-haired woman.