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( Mulling on the mullet

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Been told you're too funny?
Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
M4 humour@theotherpress.ca

www theotherpress.ca

 

‘Everyone has the right to life—especially zombies!’

» Nouveau ‘pro-life’ activists argue for right to reanimate the dead

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
WM humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

I a move that most analysts
are describing as “confusing,”
“gross,” and “fairly insane,’ a
group of self-proclaimed “neo-
pro-life activists” are calling
upon city hall to exhume long-
buried graves in the hopes of
giving everyone—even people
who have been dead forever—a
chance at life.

“We did our research, we
watched Frankenstein,’ said
group leader Mary Chelley, 39.
“Or at least ... we watched most

some of these dead people try

i i 2 : . .
to be alive again, you know? We : stage a protest in which

: they dress up like

: Frankenstein’s monster
: and walk through

: the streets of their

: neighbourhoods; the

: event is scheduled for

: October 31.

just need to get in the graves so
we can figure out exactly how
reanimation works.”

Critics of the group are
calling the endeavour foolish
and a bit creepy, and demand
some sort of scientific evidence
that their plan will do anything
more than rattling old bones.

“T mean. ... sigh,” said critic
Pinocchio Smith, 45. “I wish we
could just exhume a few people
to get these people to shut up

: emoticon and abbreviation
: culture that we've forgotten
: the real meaning of RIP?

: It doesn’t stand for ‘really

: insane plan’—let my great-
: grandma rest in peace. And
: let Abraham Lincoln RIP
: too,” cried Douglas College

of it. Anyways, we figure if we're : student and critic Sophia

alive, the least we can doishelp : Film, 22.

: hoping to stand out,

: since we'll be wearing
: costumes,” said

: Chelley.

: about it—but part of me isa bit
: afraid that it will work and we'll
: have a ‘walking dead’ situation
: on our hands. No one wins

: then!”

Aside from fears of

: reanimated corpses roaming
: the earth, many people have
: voiced concerns over the

: disrespect to the memory of
: those who have passed on.

“Are we so obsessed with

Activists plan to

“We're really

 

 

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ELECTROCUTION

  

 

 

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Fright life?

» New haunted house gets what really scares you

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
WM humour
@theotherpress.ca

A ttention, guys and ghouls:

it’s almost Halloween,
which means it’s the one
time of year when people are
bored enough to pay to get
scared. It is in the spirit of this
seasonal scary tradition that
a local Vancouver amusement
park, LaughLand, is opening
a new, ultra-modern, terribly
frightening haunted house—
and it particularly appeals to
college students.

“The idea behind
LaughLand’s new haunted
house is that the most
horrifying things in life aren’t
ghosts and mummies; young
adults’ greatest fears are things
like debt, commitment, and the

 

: loss of their precious youth,” :
: explained LaughLand Fun.E.O., :
: Emma Scare. “By confronting
our guests with the gruesome

: realness of reality, we offer a

: terrifying experience that is
unmatched in the industry.’

The haunted house has

a variety of stressful features

: designed to stun and haunt

: visitors. Popular attractions

: include a room that forces you to!
: calculate the number of months :
: it will take to pay off your
: student loans if you make only

: the minimum payment, a pop-

: up surprise marriage proposal
from the person that you know
: is ultimately wrong for you, and :
: aspooky mirror that shows you :
: what your face will look like :
: when you reach the age that no :
: one bothers to ID you anymore. :

“T almost threw up,” said

: house visitor Jacey Fibb.

“Boo! You're prematurely
balding!” said Archie
Comica, explaining the most
bloodcurdling revelation he
experienced in the house.

“The hall of moving-eye
portraits of people who are
fundamentally disappointed
in how my life is turning out
is what scared me,” said guest
Jessica Jasmine. “I’m sorry I
failed my provincial exams,
Daddy!”

Like most adult long-term
relationships, the haunted
house is easy, fun, and free to
get in to, but it is nebulously
expensive and complicated to
get out of. Located in your worst
nightmare, the house is open
from October 5 to eternity—
which is about how long it will
be until you're able to finally
retire with all those student
loans you've been building.

 

Spaceman & Chet

 

Elliot Chan
Opinions Editor
opinions
@theotherpress.ca

Speceman and Chet

want te lose meer Success ‘

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ae

S pace mon and Chet
Want +o lese mass

VJ Ww
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