issue 09 / volume 41

humour // 23

Can we please talk about the literal

elephant in the room?

» Preferably before he symbolically stomps all over our relationship

“hs, Jacey Gibb
The Peak (NUW)

haun, as you've probably

grown to realize over the
span of our relationship, ’ma
woman of action and a woman
of priorities; someone who's
not afraid of confronting things
head-on and dealing with them
as effectively as possible. This is
why I think it’s imperative that
we postpone our conversation
about my arguably “excessive”
drinking habits in favour of
addressing the adult African
elephant currently stomping
around in our living room.

How did a full-grown tusked :
: little pieces, then we'll have two
: trampling elephants to deal

: with.

mammal get to be inside our
third-floor apartment? I don’t
know, Shaun. How did that half
a bottle of chardonnay I had left
in the fridge last week end up
empty in the recycling bin? Did
some magical breeze just blow
in here, whimsically pull out the
cork, consume the wine, and
then neatly plop the bottle into
the correct bin? Maybe it was
the same magical breeze that
swept an elephant off its feet and
into our living room.

No, I’m not using the
elephant as an excuse to avoid
having an honest conversation
with you. I promise. I can

: understand why you might

: think that, but I’m genuinely

: more concerned about dealing

: with the animal that is currently
: occupying one of the four rooms
: in our apartment. It just seems

: like a more pressing issue than

: listening to you overreact about

: how much alcohol I consume on :
: a weekly basis.

Sorry, that was a bit

: defensive. Honestly, I’m worried
: that at any moment now, that

: elephant is going to start getting
: anxious about being indoors and :
: it’s going to knock something

: over, like that vase your mother
: lent me. If] have to give your

mother’s vase back to her in

As soonas I started saying

that last part, I immediately

: regretted it. I’m sorry, Shaun.

: Again. Your mother’s not an

: elephant. But you know who is
: an elephant? That elephant in
: our living room.

Is there someone we could

: phone who could maybe help

: us deal with this? What good

: would a therapist possibly—oh
: goddamn it, for the elephant,

: Shaun. I’m talking about calling
: someone to help us with the

: seven-and-a-half ton Loxodonta :

: happy?

going to do: I’m going to call
: animal control and tell them
: what our situation is. Maybe get

: acircus trainer. Shaun, J need

: you to find a way to get past

: the elephant without getting

: stomped to death, make your

: way into the kitchen, and get the
: Kraken rum that’s in the freezer.
: Why do you have to be the one

: to risk your life? Because of the

: two people in this room, youre

: the one who seems fixated on

: ignoring any elephants presently
: inhabiting our apartment.

: forget about the Kraken. It’s
: fine. I keep a backup mickey
: of butterscotch Schnapps in
: the nightstand for emergencies

: anyways.

: about before all of this elephant
: business came up?

: africana undoubtedly tracking

: dirt all over our new carpet

: and probably destroying any

: chance we ever had at getting

: our damage deposit back. Unless
: you think the elephant has a

: drinking problem too, in which

: case maybe we should contact a

therapist. Would that make you

Okay, here’s what we're

them to send someone over, like

Okay, okay, never mind,

Now, what were we talking

 

 

Image from Funnyjunk.com

 

Disney princesses can be role models, too...

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor

i 4 humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

 

aly.

Photo Illustration by Joel McCarthy

Mulan as Hillary Clinton, a political leader often overshadowed by men.