210 Bullies ready to swing again in your hometown ax » ‘We peaked in high school’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Sues say local high school bullies all across Canada were excited to see their ex-victims home for the holiday season. “I’m so excited to see all of those nerds again,” Cole McArthur, 28, told Other Press reporters as he stood by his dented Ford- 150. “It really is the most wonderful time of the year.” McArthur, like other residents of Nanaimo who never left their hometown for work, school, or travel, relished the opportunity to push around people physically smaller than him. “T feel like I can finally let loose by being a dick to everyone who wasn’t on the football team in high school,” said McArthur, who has two DUIs and works for his father’s construction company. Other Nanaimoites, like Jenny Thompson, 25, looked forward to seeing former classmates in the same Quality Foods she had worked in for her entire life. “T can't wait to see that little bitch Elizabeth Ortiz,” Thompson said, holding a clearly counterfeit Michael Kors bag. “How dare she move away to a town full of art and culture that her small-town life couldn't provide. If she had any dignity she would stay in Nanaimo, marry a mill worker, and die a kilometre away from her childhood home like the rest of us, that stuck-up bitch.” Samuel Lloyd, founding member of Nanaimo District Secondary School’s computer animation club, was eager to take time off from his job as a structural engineer in Toronto to see his friends and family back home. “Tt’ll be nice to see my mom and dad,” Lloyd said on a conference call before his private flight back to the West Coast. “T haven't seen them since I got back from my vacation in the Bahamas. It'll be a bit strange to be back in Nanaimo, but I think it’s about time.’ “Lloyd? Yeah, he was such a loser. All him and his loser friends did was poke around at their dumbass computers. I bet he’s still a virgin,’ said McArthur, spitting tobacco juice directly onto the floor of the Weekly horoscopes Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca Starbucks where the interview was being conducted. “T can't wait to give him a noogie.” “I don't remember Cole,” Lloyd said into his iPhone 9 protype that Apple released just for him. “Was he that quarterback that got arrested for selling seventh graders weed? What even happened to him?” Thompson said the thing she looked forward to the most was shooting Ortiz a scathing look over top of the wooden apple cart that was handcrafted for Quality Foods at the same time she had started working there (approximately 2008). “She was so weird in high school. I bet she won't even show her face around here this Christmas. » Check out how to best prepare for 2019! ¢ Bullies ready to swing again * Second break needed e Favourite child revealed through Christmas gifts ..and more! Serves her right for not straightening her hair every day and wearing low-rise jeans like everybody else.” Ortiz was busy being the Entertainment Editor for a paper in the city and was unavailable for comment. Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor ARIES (March 21 — April 20) Youre starting off the year on a slightly sour note, but don’t let that dissuade you from giving ityour all! Despite the early setback, this year promises to be full of personal growth. Don't be afraid to confront your inner demons—it’s all in the name of change. TAURUS (April 21 — May 21) It's no surprise that you spent the last year surrounded by people, Taurus. Everybody loves your reliable, devoted nature! This year expand your social circle even more. The forces around you will be more than willing to lend a helping hand to whatever you're looking for. GEMIN] (May 22 — June 22) Last year held big changes for curious Geminis across the globe. Do you feel like youre a bit off-kilter? Spend this year settling your roots into the ground. Face any personal challenges or problems with the same gentleness that you would (and often do!) extend towards others. = CANCER . (June 22 - July 23) 2018 was a year full of radical honesty for you, Cancer. Facing your problems head-on was tough but necessary. This year promises to be full of success! Forms of personal self-expression are especially poignant during 2019. (July 24 - Aug 23) Old problems resurfaced for you last year, but you faced them with a fresh outlook and originality. With that under your belt, you'll have no problem with the new year! Avoid getting stuck in a rut by putting your pride aside and asking others for help. You'll be glad you did! V/RGO (Aug 24 — Sept 23) It felt like 2018 would never end for you, Virgo! Major setbacks in life and love tripped you up and made you feel like you'd never get back on your feet. But the stars will align this year to give you a hearty dose of much-needed luck! Your natural inclination to plan and organize will take you far. LIBRA (Sept 24 — Oct 23) Fabulous changes are in store, Libra! This year brings a heavy burst of confidence and assertiveness, giving you the ability to fight for what you really want. Don’ let others stand in your way or crush your newfound independence—it’s all about you! ‘SCORPIO (Oct 24 — Nov 22) i This is a perfect year to let go of the past. Let old grudges be bygones and embrace the new changes in your life. Pushing these negative thoughts and emotions aside could result in one of your most productive years. - ale) At c fm AGITTARLUS >: (Nov 23 — Dec 21) 2019 is the year to go all in, Sagittarius! In years past you've made a list of everything you've wanted to do, but instead of putting work into these goals, you've let them pile up. Take small steps at first but move towards big strides— everything is within your grasp! CAPRICORN (Dec 22 — Jan 20) Time to ease up, Capricorn! 2018 was all about trying to put in the work. This year promises to be smoother sailing than the last. Keep your goals in mind but focus less on the end result and more on enjoying the ride. This is also the year to buckle down on your finances. Big changes are coming up and you'll need a little extra cash. By putting a little aside each month, you'll be able to have an easygoing, relaxing summer break! 4& AQUARIUS Sy, (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Aquarius, this year is going to be a big one for personal achievements and growth. Have you felt like you’ve been trapped ina rhythm fora while? It’s time to take your mental and physical health into perspective. You're so close to your ideal self! With a bit of self-reflection, you'll be on the right path. PISCES (Feb 20 - Mar 20) Dare to be bold, Pisces! You're feeling full of energy and willing to put it all on the line. Throw yourself into your work, exercise, or creative passions— youll feel as if you have a lot to give. By placing your attentions on multiple things, the year will fly by before you know it!