humour // no. 22 Filmmakers continue to bravely insist on making the majority of their films male-centric > ‘It’s just not realistic to have too many women on the screen’ Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor press conference was called in Hollywood yesterday, as male producers have finally answered to allegations of sexism and unequal representation in a large majority of mainstream cinema. “We're here today to say we hear you,” said John White, an executive producer and common strawman of the Other Press’s Humour Section. “We hear that some of you want more ladies in film. We get that. Women are great! If you've seen any movies I’ve produced, you'd know I think women are great. In fact, we use women in our movies a lot! I really don’t get what the fuss is about.” It was pointed out to White that the issue isn’t necessarily about seeing women, but actually hearing them say lines. “Alright, we're getting into semantics here,” said White. “I’m hearing you want—what, female characters? Not just skinny, attractive, young white women tossed into the plot for the sole purpose of being available for sex with the hero of the story? Isn't that what every woman wants, though? To have no other purpose in life than to provide sexual gratification for a man?” Men are just BETTER “T feel like my esteemed colleague is digging himself into a bit of a hole, here,” said producer Tim Blanc, as White was being pelted with at least a dozen pieces of old fruit, giving him an approximate 12 per cent approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. “What we're trying to say is that in film, we go for realism. At the end of the day, it’s just not realistic to have too many women on the screen. Like, how many female characters and female-led storylines do you want? Half? In what world is that realistic? I mean, if half of the world’s population was made up of women, that would be one thing, but it’s not, is it?” Blanc was promptly informed that yes, half the population is made up of women. This came as a shock to all the men speaking at Kids born in the 2000s now on roads, police warn > People who did not exist in the 90s finally behind the wheel Chandler Walter Assistant Editor I has taken three weeks, but the general public has finally clued in to the dark and terrifying fact that yes, there are now Class N drivers that have the year 2000 as their birth year on their driver’s licences. The Vancouver Police Department has issued a warning to all drivers that in the new year driving conditions are going to be icy, slushy, and riddled with drivers who had never experienced a world without the mobile phone. “We just want drivers to be informed as to who they're sharing the roads with, and what kind of hazards this could bring to Vancouver’s streets,” said police spokesperson Jim Knotrelly. “We know that it’s a frightening time to be driving, especially for the seniors out there, but we can assure the public that we are doing everything in our power to keep traffic as safe as possible.” The police are not the only ones worried about the possible repercussions that come with a new year of untested drivers, as angry Facebook users have also voiced their concerns. “I think everything is the fault of millennials, and now they're going to be making our roads more dangerous as well,” complained one anonymous user, who was then told that the people in this age range (2000s and later) are actually referred to as Generation Z. “God help us,” the user commented after making that realization. “Those damn millennials have evolved into something far more terrible than we could have ever imagined.” Photo illustration by Mike LeMike Image via thinkstock theotherpress.ca the press conference, and everyone was forced to take a short recess as they processed this information. “Okay, so, we might have been fucking up a little,” White said when he returned to the microphone about half an hour later. “In our defence we genuinely thought the ratio was something like, 01 woman for every 10 men? But it’s not, so um... yeah, okay, maybe we should have more women in our films. Shit.” The discussion then moved to the matter of people of colour in films, and the producers at the podium appeared to relax again. “Alright, this is an easy one,” said Blanc. “Again, people, it’s about realism. If more of the world’s population was made up of non-white people, then we'd totally make more movies about them. But it’s not, right? It’s like, 1 non-white person for every 100 white people... right? Someone nod their head or something if I’m right. Why is no one nodding their head?” The press conference concluded with the producers closing on a final statement: “We clearly don’t know as much about global demographics as we thought we did, and will in future do our best to rectify past errors. We're very sorry for the inconvenience.” “I don’t get what the big deal is,” said Chris Young, a high school junior who had his birthday this January. “I took all of the proper driving training courses, and I am really excited that I finally get to drive by myself!” The fast and furious Young claimed to have driven to the interview on his own, though our Other Press reporter knew that this could not have been the case, as there was no trail of mutilated bodies or flaming, crashed cars to be seen. “I don’t understand what everyone is freaking out about. I mean sure, I’m younger than most drivers out there, but I know what I’m doing and I am extra careful because I know I’m so new,” Young said. While it remains uncertain if anyone who did not experience the first six seasons of Friends during their original broadcast should ever be allowed to operate a motor vehicle, one thing is glaringly true: We are all only getting older, and while we like to remain ignorant of our slow march towards the reaper, death will someday come to us all regardless.