humour / 22

 

Sometimes big love comes in the smallest packages.

 

Linked [ai)

 

¥Y What skills or expertise do your other

connections have?

Do you endorse
Cal Us

For

Hand Holding?

Endorse

Do you endorse
Ore El

For
Cunnilingus?

Endorse

 

Was your ex good in bed?

» LinkedFin takes connections to a romantic new level

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
WM humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

I? an effort to keep us all in a horrible
state of perpetual awkwardness, the
business-oriented social networking
site LinkedFin has implemented a new
feature: endorsements from ex-lovers.
“What it all comes down to is ‘Ts
this useful?—and we think it is,” said
company spokesperson Kim Kesha.
“Having your ex-boyfriend rate your
performance as a partner gives you the
satisfaction of knowing how you did,

what they’re getting into.”

Endorsing an ex couldn't be easier:
whenever you log in to your LinkedFin

If you click to “endorse,” you're good to

: include: kissing, hugging, listening,

: cooking, fellatio, hand holding, taste in
: music, family drama, sugar daddyness,
: cunnilingus, and getting you.

Industry analysts note that the new

: ex-endorsement feature is a natural step
: for the social networking platform, as

: LinkedFin already has the deliciously

: stalky advantage of showing users who

: has viewed their profiles—something

: sites like Facebook and Twitter are

: woefully lacking.

However, not all users are excited

about the new feature.

“Oh great, so just when J thought

: | was done with that loser, I have to sit

: . : around worrying about how he'll rate me
while also letting future paramours know : ow?” said jilted ex, Shannon Yoshida.
“And, like, is not rating people something
: that people will be offended by now?

: Ugh. I already have to retweet and like so

account, pop ups promptyou to answera much crap just to avoid my friends with

series of questions about your old flames. : benefits from getting sulky—this is the
. > worst.”
go! Some of the skills up for endorsement :‘

theotherpress.ca

Return CMNS 22711
for refund

» Students propose new customer-friendly
return policy

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor humour@theotherpress.ca

A“ you sick of paying your hard-earned (or borrowed) money for a college
course, and then getting literally nothing out of it when youre done with
it? Entrepreneurial student Jennifer McShifty might have the answer for you:
a 60-day money-back return policy following the completion of courses.

“Look, I’ve been doing returns at Future Shop for years—I know how
customer service should work. And I just don’t think the college is living up
to its full potential when it comes to keeping its customers—the students—
satisfied,” said McShifty, with a flip of her hair. “If I take a course, get to the
end of it, and feel like I haven’t really learned anything that I’ll find useful in
my day-to-day life, I should be able get my money back. It’s that simple.”

McShifty’s return-for-refund proposal has been met with mixed
reactions. Students, who are finding themselves going into debt to pay
escalating tuition costs—with no solid future job prospects—are pretty much
totally for it.

“So, like, if I get really into a guy and spend most of the semester texting
my friends about the soft sexy swoop of his hair instead of paying attention to
the teacher... | can get my money back and go to Aritzia? Sweet,’ said second-
year arts student Madison Vogue. “Knowing that I won't have to pay for this
in the end will make going to class a lot more tolerable.”

College administration, on the other hand, has some reservations about
the fiscal efficacy of the idea.

“If everyone could just get their money back after any course they didn’t
totally like or get much out of, we'd probably go broke,” said an anonymous—
but probably still very important—college official. “And if the college goes
broke, then you won't have anywhere to go to take courses that will frustrate
you, now will you?

“Also, it would cost a lot to hire staff to process all of those returns, so
we'd probably have to increase tuition costs by quite a bit. This isn’t really fair
to anyone who ever plans on actually graduating.”

Still, despite the college’s solid argument, McShifty is not swayed in her
self-righteousness.

“Say what you will, college, but I stand by the golden rule: the customer
is always right. In fact, I’ve totally dropped out of all my classes to focus on
promoting my idea further. No, I did not get my money back for the courses I
dropped at the end of the semester... yet.”

McShifty will be pitching her business concept to CBC’s Dragons’ Den
any day now. In the meantime, the college suggests students start paying
more attention in class if they’re concerned about not getting their money’s
worth,

UL 7 |S OES

By Natalie Serafini
& Cody Klyne