February 25, 2004 Culture e the other press © And the Oscar Doesn’t Go to... cua GOODING, jk, ED HARRIS Amanda Aikman Culture Editor Okay, so you're feeling pretty confident about your pick for Best Movie, and you're 99.999 percent sure of your choice for Best Original Score, but how convinced are you that you could call the loser? And I don’t just mean one of the losers; I’m talking about “the” loser. The absolute, beyond-a-shadow- of-a-doubt, full-on stinker of the bunch. Oh sure, anyone can blath- er on about Charlize Theron’s amazing transformation in Monster, or sing the praises of Lost in Translations young- and-talented director Sofia Coppola, but who amongst you has the nerve to stand up and make a choice between Gigli and Alex and Emma for worst romantic comedy of all time? Who is willing to lam- baste poor little anorexic Brittany Murphy for abusing theatregoers with the useless Uptown Girls? And who, pray tell, will hold Will Smith and Martin Lawrence accountable for the shameful waste of money that was Bad Boys 2? The answer—proba- bly nobody. These ridiculous movies will continue to be made and we will continue to go and watch them (of course you realize when I say “we” that I’m not talking about me, I’m far too intelligent to waste my time on such driv- el). It’s like I always say, “If you cant beat °em—join ’em.” Okay, so I only said that once, and it was just now when I wrote it down, but that doesn’t make it any less heartfelt. The way I see it is since we cant stop the onslaught of cinematic sludge, we might as well cele- brate it. Take a look through the nominees and see how you would vote. It’s time we honoured the Vin Diesels and Steven Segals of the world, so rise up all you third-rate actors, writers, and directors—now is your time to shine. Worst Actor: Cuba Gooding Jr., Radio Cuba Gooding Jr., Boat Trip Mike Meyers, The Cat in the Hat “The Rock,” Rundown Ashton Kucher, My Bosss Daughter Worst Actress: Jennifer Lopez, Gigh Vivica A. Fox, Boat Trip Jennifer Lopez, Gigli Whoopi Goldberg, Blizzard Jennifer Lopez, Gigli Worst Picture: Boat Trip Kangaroo Jack The Cat in the Hat Gigli My Bosss Daughter Worst Performance by a Pop Star who wants to be an Actor: Mandy Moore, How to Deal Hillary Duff, The Lizzie Maguire Movie Kelly Clarkson, From Justin to Kelly Worst Performance by a Guy who wants to be either a Pop Star or an Actor: Justin Guarini, From Justin to Kelly Worst Dance-Related Movie: Honey Bring it on Again From Justin to Kelly You've Been Served Worst Obviously-Just-in-it- for-the-Paycheck Sequel: Bad Boys 2 Terminator 3; Rise of the Machines Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life 2 Fast 2 Furious Charlies Angels 2: Full Throttle Carla Elm Clement OP Contributor I met Johnny Depp. Not recently, but a number of years back, in his 2/ Jump Street days. And, technically speaking, we didn’t actually meet. But I did look at him and he looked at me, and the world shifted ever so slightly. It was at the Canada Games Pool in New Westminster, where he was shooting an episode of his TV series. A lifeguard friend of mine snuck me onto the set and we stood around for hours watch- ing gaffers set up and PA.s speak into their headsets. Then I saw him, stand- ing at the pool’s edge, apart from the others, looking relaxed. And he noticed my friend and I since we were hovering and clearly had no role in the produc- tion. I stood my ground and looked him square in the eyes and I swear he did a double take, and then fixed his gaze on me. No smiles. No expression of lust on my part or concern on his. Just mutual, calm curiosity. And then he turned away and got back to work. My friend and I left soon after. Since then I’ve gradually come to conclude he’s my favorite modern actor. I suspected this early on, watching him ride a tricycle through hallways, howl- ing at Faye Dunaway in Arizona Dream. And my affections were further confirmed by his sweetly melancholic Edward Scissorhands and his sensuous Don Juan de Marco (some delusions are beautiful things). My mind was completely made up when I saw him in Ed Wood. What other actor could bring such depth to a 1950s cross-dressing B- movie director with misplaced artistic aspirations? The expressions on Ed’s face in the theatre, at his first premier, as his movie begins to flicker on the screen, are priceless. And then there’s Blow and Chocolat and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas— each movie unique, each portrayal cap- tivating, unpredictable. Each dealing with a longing for freedom. So I was elated to hear he’s been nominated for best actor Oscar for his part in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. His portrayal as quirky, high-seas swindler Captain Jack Sparrow is the highlight of this otherwise overdone production (like many movies these days, the special effects steal from the storyline). Depp admits drawing inspi- ration for his characterization from Keith Richards, that anachronistic emblem of sex, drugs and rock ’n roll. He reels, slurs his words, and pokes fun at our modern-day macho, all the while clearly enjoying himself. His portrayal, so far off the map of the expected, is even satirized by other characters with- in the film itself. And, for Captain Jack Sparrow, freedom is his ship, the Black Pearl: the freedom to go wherever he wants—something more precious than any looted wealth. Although other Depp roles would have better merited an Oscar nod, by including him on the list, the Academy is sending out a strong message: Johnny Depp has tal- ent. Something many of us knew long ago. Depp lives in France with his actress/singer partner, Vanessa Paradis http://www.otherpress.ca ~ Page 15 Johnny Depp: Pirate Unparalleled and their two small children. About America, he recently said “it’s like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive.” Contentious words that spread instant- ly throughout the news media. Depp insists they were taken out of context, that he was speaking about America’s relative youth compared to Europe’s, its perilous immaturity. He explained, “I love my country and have great hopes for it...I have benefited greatly from the freedom that exists [there] and for this I am eternally grateful.” My crush for Johnny is still strong after all these years, quietly burning and eternal. And the treasure of our shared moment together—a simple look—will last a lifetime. My adoration reached a kind of closure while watching Pirates. Near the end of the movie, Depp speaks to the heroine before unexpect- edly jumping off the battlements into the ocean below, “It would never've worked between us, darling...I’m sorry.” Of course, I believe he spoke right to me. And then he was gone, swimming hard towards the Black Pearl, for his freedom and his right to express himself any way he pleases, pirate unparalleled. So, come Oscar night on February 29, Pll be watching the winners and the losers, fully expecting him to be absent, but wishing for his win. And, Johnny, thanks for the moment, good luck, and whatever you do, don’t stop swimming.