¢ Your sex life according to your major Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca ¢ Total nerd already working on first assignment ¢ Class roles already set firmly in place ..and more! Eamewrin Chav 5 Th Nemey ef Tiraiog Cen All cote Fadi Your sex life according to your major The connection between academia and your libido Peach emoji from GFXmag.com Eggplant image by Freepik.com Richard Dick Contributor Photo by Billy Bui Nutrition you ve ever gotten is “I may be Scotland You know everything there is to know about diet. You have a tattoo on your ass of the Food Pyramid to remind yourself of the most important food groups to eat and replenish your energy with: Bread/Potatoes, Vegetables/ Fruit, Dairy, Meat, Fats/Oils, and Pussy. Education You've tried the whole dirty teacher routine but all the mentions of a bad student disagrees with your teaching philosophy. Since you subscribe to the Carol Dweck “growth mindset” model, you don't believe in the binaries of “good” student and “bad” student. Instead, you believe all students have the ability to grow into great students and there is no such thing as fixed amounts of intelligence and instead, everyone is capable. It’s a great philosophy, but it’s really not very good for dirty talk. Geography and the Environment You've used the line “Hey baby, are you Scotland?—because you've got a beautiful natural landscape covered in hills.” Unfortunately, the only response but you're the Pompeii volcano and | can't handle such abrupt explosions.” Your rock formations aren't very hard due to constant weathering. Erosion just happens so easily to you, and before you know it, your rock sediments are all over the place. Performing Arts “All the world’s a stage” and all that shit, but you should probably stop faking your orgasms. There is always a climax in a play, and there should be one in your bedroom too. Sign Language Interpretation You're going into a job where you use your hands, so youre literally trained in hand jobs. Your fingers are professionally certified. Philosophy You spend a lot of time contemplating free will as the great thinkers of time have before you. You introspect: “Is man capable of original thought and action? Do] create my own path in this existence? Or is my fixation on tentacle hentai and CBT porn a fate pre-destined for me?” Illustration by Janis McMath Total nerd already working on first assignment » What an absolute dingus Isabelle Orr Contributor nlookers were shocked when Douglas College student Daniel Korchenko cracked his textbook open on September 3. Korchenko, who started university directly after high school without gaining any life experience first, felt that it would be prudent to take a running start at his assignments. “I have some free time now, so why shouldn't I get started as soon as possible?” said the Teacher’s Pet. Classmates from Korchenko’s Biology 101 felt that he was setting a bad precedent. “He’s making us look like a bunch of nerds who actually care,’ Stephanie Rickson, Korchenko’s classmate, told Other Press reporters. “] didn’t even attend the first class, I just stood outside by an open window.’ Korchenko felt that by starting his homework early, he could get ahead of the game—and maybe even read ahead. “Biology is interesting to me, so why wouldn't I want to spend my downtime learning more about animals, nature, and the human body?” Korchenko asked, totally killing the good vibes in the room and making everyone hate the sound of his dumb voice. “I might even look up some secondary information just so I can share it with the professor after class.” “I don’t give a shit about what that kid has to say,’ Myles Ashbury, Korchenko’s professor, told reporters. “Man, I just got back from surfing in Tofino for two weeks, and this kid is all ‘professor this’ and ‘professor that’ and telling me about all these links he found on the internet. It’s like, I know. I’m the professor.’ Rumours began to fly that the early readings were mandatory, and confusion spread across the Douglas campus like wildfire. “I didn't know we were supposed to be ready to learn,” Stephanie Graham, second- year student, wept. “I’m not prepared! My brain is still soft and malleable from the summer sun! I won't be able to retain any information until just before midterms, when I attempt to learn a whole semester ina night!” “Korchenko must be stopped,” Quentin Moore, Korchenko’s classmate said menacingly as he cracked his knuckles. “Nobody’s supposed to do any work until halfway through week three, everybody knows that.” Korchenko told reporters that he had no plans to stop his total nerd-fest. “T might flip through some future lecture notes tonight before bed,” he said. “Maybe start commenting on discussion posts early, you know. Just standard stuff” As an angry crowd gathered outside the interview room to knock some sense into him, Korchenko remarked that he “might take a crack at those English 101 novels as well.”