humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

Fiery Eye of Sauron appears above
Surrey Central building

> Dark Lord of Mordor violates tenancy code

Greg Waldock
Staff Writer

QO n January 3, a great Eye—lidless
and terrible—took up residence

above the spire at the top of the Surrey
Central building, alarming city bylaw
officers. The official police report states
that Sauron, called “Gorthaur” by the
Elves and an “unregistered immigrant”
by the RCMP, appeared on the top of
the tower ina torrent of black flame
and cursed smog, accompanied by
screaming Nazgtil—without the
proper permits for such creatures.

“He just showed up one night, no
paperwork and no consultation with
the building,” said Officer Christopher
Williams of the Surrey RCMP. “The
roof isn’t up to code for habitation,
incorporeal spirit of malice or not. This
isn't a racial thing—any fell servant
of Morgoth is welcome in the city if
they follow the rules. Gothmog, Lord
of Balrogs, inhabits the Coast Capital
building outside King George Station
and manages a very successful A&W.”

Sauron’s appearance has
led to discontent among many
renters and landowners around
the Surrey Central area.

“We're just worried about property
values,” said concerned citizen
Jonathan Roland-Reed. “The housing
crisis is at a boiling point, and the
last thing we need is this ‘Dark Lord’
summoning Orcs from the lowlands
to burn and pillage high-rises.”

Jonathon Roland-Reed was
one of hundreds of local citizens
who signed an online petition for
immediate police action against
Sauron. A similar, but unassociated,
petition was created to rename Trump
Tower in Vancouver “Isengard.”

There has so far been little official

 

response, though mayors of cities and
towns across the Lower Mainland publicly
accepted gifts of golden rings from
Sauron, believing them to be an attempt
at government outreach. On the 8th of
January, Surrey mayor Linda Hepner,
riding atop what witnesses called “a foul
flying beast of grey and rotting flesh,” told

the press that calling these gifts a “clear

indication of bribery” was both inaccurate

and insulting. She also unexpectedly

announced plans to “aggressively expand”

into both the city and township of
Langley with raiding parties riding the
Light Rail Transit planned for 2018.

Sauron has so far refused all requests

for an interview, and ignored an eviction
notice taped to the ladder leading to

the roof. SFU Surrey has stated they will
“continue to tolerate the evil presence
of pure hatred and spite currently
residing at the top of the tower,’ as he

is technically a student and currently
owes over $12,000 in tuition fees.

Alcohol sales spike 1n anticipation
of Trump's inauguration

> ‘It’s the only way to numb the pain’

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

s we near the inauguration of
merica’s first orange president,

liquor stores across the continent—
indeed, across the globe—are reporting
record sales of every kind of alcohol.

“I mean, usually sales taper off in
January after all the New Year’s hubbub
is over,’ said liquor store owner Timothy
Goldschlagger in an interview with the
Other Press on Tuesday. “Not this year.
If anything, they’re picking up. People
are coming through daily—hell, we're
almost out of some of the cheaper brands
of vodka and whiskey. My customers are
saying it’s the only way to numb the pain.”

The phenomenon, according to some
social scientists, is very easy to explain.

“Put bluntly, everyone’s fucking
terrified,” said Dr. Janice Smirnoff, who
teaches at James Morgan College in North
Vancouver. “Have you been listening
to the news? He actually called fora
global arms race. Like, he asked for it.

He wants it to happen. Did he just forget
the Cold War? Did he sleep through it?
What the hell is this world coming to?”

(Dr. Smirnoff paused partway
through the interview to pull a mickey of
Fireball from her purse, and tossed back
several shots straight-up, no chase.)

“Yeah, I pretty much threw in
the towel sobriety-wise when Pissgate
happened,” said one American refugee
outside a liquor store on Saturday. “I
mean, sure it’s all unverified, but... fuck, I
really wouldn't be surprised, is the thing.
And the fact that I wouldn't be surprised

if it were true scares the shit out of me.
It’s not right. The CIA has confirmed,
fully, that Russia hacked the election. In
a political thriller, this would be where
the bad guy goes to jail and a re-election
is held and we all live happily ever after.
Instead we're like, debating to what
degree Russia hacked it, and if it even
matters all that much in the end, and—”

(The American refugee paused
partway through the interview to
pull a mickey of absinthe from his
backpack, and tossed back several
shots straight-up, no chase.)

(The man was then asked where he
found the absinthe by the Other Press
reporter. For journalism reasons.)

(The reporter now has a mickey
of absinthe in their purse, and they
are not planning on sharing.)

“Tt sucks for the world, for sure,” said
Goldschlagger, as he pulled out his own
flask of whiskey and tossed a few back
(straight-up, no chase). “Like, it really
sucks for the world. There’s no doubt
about it. We're all kind of fucked. But
in the meantime, it’s great business for
us. People are stocking up like they’re
preparing for the end times—which I
guess we all kind of are—and I think
it’s a great idea. Alcohol will be great
for bartering after the collapse of our
current financial system. I know one
guy who bought, like, 15 24-packs of
Wildcat. He’s going places, for sure. He’s
probably going to be our next premier
when British Columbia secedes from
the rest of Canada and we devolve into
tribal factions hungry for each other’s
blood. It’s all about the resources.”

  

Photograph by Analyn Cuarto