Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

You know what's wrong? I’Il tell you what's wrong! My bus is 45
minutes late! Oh, also, your car just got towed. Come back when you
can give me a ride home.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

The time is now right for you to get that tattoo! A snake-eagle hybrid
with skulls for eyes is just perfectly you!

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Do you feel unattractive today? How the hell should I know? I can’t
read minds! Go eat some chocolate and get out of my sight.

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Thinking might seem a little hard today. Maybe you used too much
peroxide on your hair this week. Or maybe you’re just in a remedial
class.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

Working on a creative project? Then plagiarism is the way to go! But

to actually avoid getting caught you need to build a time machine.
Hmm... another creative project. You know, it might be better if you did
your own work.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

A friend needs your assistance with finances! Go and help her! Oh,
that’s right, you’re a liberal arts major. Too bad.

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Someone not returning your calls? Well, the planets have foretold me
that if you find the badger who stole your pen in your living room,
maybe then you'd be able to figure out why.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

Have a date tonight? Expect a whole flock of slow moving ducks to
cross the road while you’re already late. Oh, by the way, there’s a cow
blocking the intersection.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

Here’s an important tip: contrary to what you believe, buffets do not
like it when you challenge the all-you-can-eat rule.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

Still pining for your lost love? I think it’s time to get a hobby other than
dressing up a pine tree in the hopes that he or she will return.

Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Patience is a virtue.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/21)

A close friend might be feeling a little blue, but for God’s sake, don’t
sing that Eiffel 65 song to them!

With files from Livia Turnbull.

 

Humour.

Scientists developing new
glowing rectangle for people
to stare at all day

New device promises to revolutionize the way we waste

time aimlessly

By Liam Britten,
Chief Technology Correspondent

he glitz and glamour of the
| Consumer Electronics Show
(CES) in Las Vegas was in
full force last week, and the world’s
biggest technology companies
did not disappoint. Industry
representatives, the media, and
the public were treated to a tour
de force this year as the future of
technology was put front and centre
for all to see.

While many of the gadgets
of today knocked the socks off of
those present, it was the future that
offered the most excitement, as
several major companies announced
that they would be debuting a new
glowing, shiny rectangle for people
to look at while getting nothing
done in the process.

“Shiny, glowing rectangles
have been a mainstay at the CES
for the last five years or so,” wrote
Wired’s Chuck Squatriglia. “First it
was the new generation of HD TVs.
Then it was smartphones. Tablets
came after that. And next year? It
could be anything. As long as it

wa ~~,

Ly

Added Edstrom: “It’s an
exciting time to be manufacturing
addictive, eye-bleeding pieces of
crap.”

Critics of these new glittering
contraptions have pointed out that
electronics companies seem to have
little or no strategy when it comes to
apps. But unnamed sources within
these companies have told The
Other Press that such criticisms are

“Toshiba, Motorola, Microsoft, Apple, and Google have all
announced that they will be releasing competing shiny doo-dads
starting in 2013.”

is a useless distraction from work
and meaningful human contact. So
pretty much anything.”

Toshiba, Motorola, Microsoft,
Apple, and Google have all
announced that they will be
releasing competing shiny doo-dads
starting in 2013. Although details
are scarce, Microsoft’s Waggener
Edstrom offered Ihe Other Press a
few details.

“This device is going to bea
complete paradigm shift in time-
wasting bullshit,” he said. “We
expect that time spent staring at
this glowing rectangle will be up
40 per cent from tablet computers,
while time being productive will be
down 18 per cent. We expect smug
satisfaction in users to double, and
usage of meaningless buzzwords
like ‘multitasking,’ ‘increased
efficiency,’ and ‘connectivity’ could
double or maybe triple.”

unfounded. The manufacturers will
be developing a cottage industry of
app programmers who will work
tirelessly on ripping off other more
successful and more innovative
programs used on tablets and
smartphones, in much the same way
that tablet and smartphone apps
are largely rip-offs of other more
successful and more innovative
programs used on computers.

Gaming has not been forgotten
on these new glowing thingamajigs.

“The possibilities are endless
when your're talking about devices
like these, and the platform-specific
opportunities they bring to the
table,” said Edstrom. “We’ve been
working on creative games like
solitaire, Sudoku, crosswords,
and—if the programmers can work
out the bugs in time—maybe even
Scrabble.”

21