Have an idea for a story? Let us know! Contact: Chandler Walter, Humour Editor Mhumour@theotherpress.ca Basrv ee atc > EVERYBODY PANIC Chandler Walter Humour Editor 4 humour@theotherpress.ca ello listeners. We're live with the latest on the destruction afflicting our great nation. I am speaking, of course, of the rate at which the ice caps are melting, and the deterioration of the very vessel we humans use to traverse the infinity of space: Earth. At 4:45 p.m.—a mere 10 minutes ago—our newsroom received a surprising revelation, one that will change the course of the world in the years to come. But first, for those who : have not been paying attention : to world matters lately, some : background. The knowledge of : the earth’s deterioration came : to our attention from Professor : Gary Stein, who has since been : deemed “The Most Important : Person Ever” by the world. His study showed the : evidence of humanity’s impact : on the environment: the world : is warming, glaciers are melting, : : and even the beloved polar : bears are in immediate danger. Upon hearing his : foreboding news, the world : abruptly ceased all war, as : leaders across the world took : into consideration the complete : ridiculousness of fighting over : lands when the earth was at : stake. Government funding has : been immediately transferred : from public defense to : environmental research : projects, as the worldwide : ceasefire has freed up trillions : of dollars to fix the true problem : : at hand. Vehicles have been : abandoned in the streets, : shunned by the people once : they learned of the eventual : doom burning gas would bring : them. The metal from these : abandoned cars has been : collected, recycled, and turned This issue: (Y BREAKING: Student still in bookstore lineup (Y Apply to Starfleet Academy! ( Top 15 click-bait articles of the week And more! : into thousands of electronic : buses and trains. The absolute : lack of single person vehicles : on the road has made traffic : non-existent, and many people : are realizing that this public- : transit-only system actually : gets them where they need to be : : faster and more efficiently. : Peaceful protest groups : have formed, as well as full- : scale riots across the country, : gathering outside oil refineries, : factory farms, and any other : building issuing poison into the : : already weakened atmosphere. : Many in these groups are the : workers themselves, with most : walking off the job once they Image via Thinkstock : realized the harm they were : causing. Now, onto our breaking > news: All of the world leaders, : for the first time in history, : have agreed to meet together : to elect Professor Gary Stein as : the President of the World, a : position they deem necessary to : curb the terrifying direction we : are headed, and to give willing : countries the mentorship they : need in doing their part to save : this world. Even with all these drastic : changes, the world in which we : live still faces an uncertain fate, : and it lies in the hands of the : people to be their own saviours. Livewlres: September Edition » Peyton Manning furniture, the butter shortage, and the political debate Eric Wilkins Struggling Journalist ...because why publish fresh, local content when you can pull an article from the newswire used by hundreds of papers across the country? eyton Manning furniture line Former Denver Broncos decided to finally call it quits on his NFL career. The future Hall- of-Famer cited a “unique business : : the country simply can’t support : such cooking. This measure is : an effort to get people out of opportunity” as one of the main reasons for his departure from the game. Sources have discovered that : : mindset.” said business opportunity is a brand new furniture company that specializes in armless chairs. : : nothing more than pots of butter : with random food tossed in. The chairs are also designed from one piece of material to, “reduce the choking hazard.” The company reportedly has had difficulty getting started though, as every time Manning has prepared to sign the fresh : contracts, he’s changed the call at : : the line. Julia Childs cookbooks : banned The Butter Regulation : Board (BRB) has taken the : next step in Canada’s recent : butter shortage. With supplies : dwindling countrywide, the BRB : has banned the sale of any book : by, or featuring recipes by, Julia quarterback Peyton Manning has : Childs. BRB chairman Mel Tee ? commented on the matter, saying, “At this point in time, the superfluous butter usage Tee later singled out several recipes, noting that many were Highlights from the latest : political debate The latest political debate, : shown by CTV, took place in Vancouver last week. CBC was set to air the showdown, but even : with the sale of their studios, the : broadcaster found the Vancouver : rental scene too expensive to be : viable. Each leader left at least one : golden moment for viewers at : various times in the proceedings. : Prime Minister Stephen : Harper was asked to show his : business card at one point. : Upon producing it he was asked : what paper it was printed on; he : replied, “Old stock.” When offered an : Opportunity to question an : opponent on an area of weakness, : Justin Trudeau immediately : brought up the federal budget. Thomas Mulcair went ona long tirade bashing the : Conservatives before quietly : commenting that he was open to : the idea of pipelines. The Green Party lodged a : formal complaint as to why they : weren't invited... along with : every other party that earned : one or fewer seats during the last : election.