issue 12 / volume 41

Recently graduated English major experiences
overwhelming financial, personal success

» Literary and poetry skills enough to pull man out of burgeoning student loans

“ Anthony Bianco
The Peak

gainst all odds, a recent
Aeetinate has shown the
world how to make an arts
degree work for them.

After graduating with a
degree in English (minor in
liberal studies), 23-year-old
Monay Maker struggled with
one major roadblock: he was
lost as to how to actually utilize
his degree in the corporate job
market. Already in debt with

knew he had to make a move.“
As someone with a BA, I’m
all about making big money,”
said Maker. “But at first, the big
money I was after eluded me.

in Coquitlam, Maker began
voicing his desire for quick cash
and better employment to his
customers. A regular at the
coffee shop, known only by the
name of Dr. Iceman, offered

 

Maker a job helping him ship
$20,000 in student loans, Maker: high quality pharmaceuticals to
: the less fortunate and mentally

ill.

“I was ecstatic when Iceman

: offered mea job, as he seemed
: to only ever pay for his coffee in
Formerly a full-time barista : $100 bills. I felt like this was my
: out,” explained Maker. “Other

: employees always spelled his

: name ‘Icemen, and that’s the

: reason he loved me. I was the

: only one who spelled it right. I

: knew my English major would

; open up a world of opportunity
: for me.

After quitting his

: barista job on the spot,

: Maker began working full-

: time for Iceman, helping to
: conceal pharmaceuticals for
: international shipments.

“Having the chance to read

: middle part of the book, place

: the product inside, and then

: just close it back up again. The

: Bible makes a great door stopper,
: but it’s even better for shipping

: dope.”

After paying off his student

: loan and making enough money
: to support himself, Maker

: shifted careers and madea bid

: for the entertainment world.

: It was during this time that

: he wrote all of the songs that

: appeared on his debut album,

: Get Cash or Die Tryin’“

Having taken multiple

: poetry classes, I was already

: familiar with some of the basic
: rhyming patterns,” said Maker.
: “Like I already mentioned, I

: knew my degree was gonna get
: me that cash.”

Released back in June of

: so many wonderful books during : this year, Get Cash or Die Tryin’

: my degree led me to suggest

: the perfect way to smuggle

: drugs across the border,” said
: Maker. “We would cut out the

: debuted at the top of the US

: billboard charts and has enjoyed
: seven hit songs, including

: Maker’s first single, “C.U.N.T””

: Standing for “Chosen Ultra-hip

humour // 23

: National Teacher,” Maker’s song
: has been particularly praised for
: its honest and inspiring chorus:
: “I don’t know what you heard

: abouta fee/But a bitch can’t not
: respect my degree/No student

: loans, no debts, you can see/I’m
: just a motherfuckin’ C.U.N.T.’

But instead of basking

: in his absurd wealth, Maker

: recently began to give back to

: the academic world that helped
: make him the success he is

: today. Using the profits from his
: album sales, Maker is currently

: funding the construction of

: several colleges across the

: country in hopes that future

: generations can enjoy similar

: successes.

Only offering a single

: course, students attending

: Maker’s college will graduate

: with a degree in “Monay

: Making,” which will prepare

: them fora life of incomparable

: stardom, burgeoning popularity,
: and, of course, big big money.

 

Grammer Time

By Angela Espinoza, News Editor

Hi Mister Grammer!

Wow, | can’t believe I’m writing this letter! I’ve

been wanting to write something to you for so
long, but I’m just so nervous about it! LOL! Oh

god, what do you ask one of the greatest Tv

actors ever?! Um... OH, when can I see you in

something new? Like, new new? I just hate the

You're #1 fangurl,

Chelsea Handler~<3

 

 

(1: am at a loss for words, Ms. Handler.
Perhaps because you single-handedly
destroyed the English language as we
once knew it. Also, did you notice my
emphasis on "once"? That, madam, is an
appropriate use of tense. Unfortunately,
the only proper tense here is how tense |
am from having to read your garbage.

And to answer your question, I have a

 

 

\ new project slated for Summer 2015. tobe

 
 

 

Unleash your fury!

» New stress room to open at Douglas
College this finals week

Chandler Walter
Columnist

Wie the overwhelmingly
positive response the
With the overwhelmingly
positive response the Puppy
Room received during the
finals week last December,
some people around Douglas
College were thinking of
opening up another room to
help students deal with their
overwhelming stress

The Fury Room will be
a new instalment beside
the Puppy Room, where
disgruntled, on-the-edge
learners will be able to go and
cope with their stress in a
rather different way.

With completely
soundproofed walls, this
windowless room will be filled
with nothing but punching
bags, dummies, stress balls,
and pillows. The walls and

Against the Machine’s “Killing
in the Name’ will be played
ona constant loop in the
background.

“We understand that

in different ways,” said James

: this project. “Petting a puppy

: is all well and good for some

: people, but for others, you just
: really need to hit something.

: We've created a non-violent

: Fight Club, if you will.”

The Fury Room, however,

: is not only for the destructively
: inclined, as it offers a wide
: array of coping possibilities.

“The room will be so

: soundproofed that even the

: most soul-crushingly hopeless
: screams of utter despair will

: be stifled,” McCarthy happily

: assured us. “Which is good,

: because we all know how

: distracting those can be in the
: library around finals time.”

The Fury Room will also be

: fully stocked with tissues, for
: those who prefer to cry away
: the pain and disappointment
: they’ve brought to their

: families.

The room will probably be

open on December 5 from 11
: : a.m. to1p.m. (other dates to
floors will be padded, and Rage : be determined) for all students
: wanting/needing to use the

facility*.

*It should be noted that

: therapy sessions are mandatory

everyone deals with their stress : for all those who sign up. It

: should also be noted that this

McCarthy, the visionary behind : isa joke.