othereditor@yahoo.ca Colin Miley: Managing Editor Here’s my favourite spam email from last week, followed by my reply. | To: | _ otfereditor @yahoo.ca | % 2 GB | Peragraph~ Font style~ Fontsizey | B iu &# a jE Eee -B oA o Zee - Blo Alo Fabulous Sex Toys Glass Sex Toys are works of art that both excite and arouse. There is no doubt that you'll fowe the benefits of qlass adult toys. « Hypoallergenic & Dishwasher Safe * High Quality Medical Grade Glass « Polariscope Tested To Ensure Integrity | « Tempered For High Durability | « Slicker Than Traditional Materials *Non-Porous, Lubricants Last Longer «Recommended By Doctors « New Designs Weekly » Free Pouch With Every Purchase We consistently produce the most uniquely beautiful and high quality Pyrex sex toys available. Made In USA! Click Here For - 100% Hand Blown Pyrex Glass Dildos “Stick Blown Glass in Your Ass-Go Ahead, We Dare You” Hand-blown glass dildos, like anything made of glass, can freaking blow me. |’m not planning sticking anything up my ass, and |’m pretty sure if | was planning on tak- ing such action, glass would be somewhere beside “bag of nails” in my list of things to jam up my keister. @ =siif it shatters, you get double your money back @ What the hell is “Medical-Grade Glass?” @ Comes in two sizes: Gargantuan and Extra-Painfully Huge Gargantuan In case of emergency, “DO NOT BREAK GLASS” | will personally “kick you in the pouch” if you don’t stop sending me Glass Dildo emails @ = The words “hygienic” and “dildo” conjure images of sharing dil dos. Isn’t that kinda like sharing needles? e | didn’t know doctors recommended dildos. You learn something every day. ls it dishwasher safe? Do | get it for half price if I’m using it on a midget? Is the “Richard Gere” model (hollow and open ended for easy gerbil insertion) still avail- able? Nice picture. It looks more like an unlit torch than a dildo. Internet pics require this thing, it’s called “resolution.” Idiots. Last Call Amanda Aikman, OP Columnist Dear Amanda, I’ve wanted to get a tattoo for a long time and I’m final- ly ready to take the plunge. The problem is I can’t seem to decide on what to get. Every time I’ve almost settled on a design, I start thinking about the permanence of it and I chicken out. I am a 22-year-old woman and I con- sider myself to be fairly free spirited. Once I finally decide on an image, I'll probably get it tattooed on my ankle, shoulder, or lower back. I’ve been wavering between something pretty like flowers/butterflies and something edgy like dragons/tribals. I just can’t decide! Please help! Sincerely, Tattoo-Challenged Babe Dear T.C.B, Ah yes, a girl’s first tattoo, this is indeed a big decision. If you’re lame that is. C’mon this isn’t life or death, it’s just a little bit of ink. I remember my first tattoo, I drew it in the waiting room of Winnipeg’s finest tattoo studio and 20 minutes later it was on my wrist. Although, now that I look at it while typing this response, it is pretty bad. What the hell was I thinking? Okay, so we'll make sure you don’t make the same impulsive decision that I made. When it comes to tat- toos it’s important to choose something with personal, long-term meaning to you. That means avoid the names of boys and bands. In 15 years you won’t remember Randy from band camp, and, hopefully, you won’t want to be tagged as a life-long Good Charlotte fan. My suggestion—if you’re looking for pretty and edgy—would be to go for a hot retro pinup tattoo. You know, like the ones sailors used to get in the days when sailors were hardcore—but not in today’s creepy-gang bangers-that-spend-their-shore leave-as-members-of- the-Price is Right-studio audience kind of way. Check out www.sailorjerry.com to take a look at how it’s done right. That stuff is the shit. Sailor Jerry (born Norman Collins) was a sailor and a tattooing legend based in Honolulu, and was responsible for creating some of the most celebrated and recognizable tattoos in history. From vintage blue birds, to buxom cowgirls, to the clas- sic “MOM” hearts—Sailor Jerry tattoos are true classics that will always be fashionable. A Tasmanian Devil wrapped in a Canadian flag on the other hand, not so much. Of course, if you’re looking for something less cool, you could always go with a nice safe choice like a little flower on your ankle or a heart on your lower back. Still pretty, but easy to cover up and unlikely to offend either your parents or the old lady sitting next to you on the bus. Or, if none of the previous options grab you, you could always get something edgy and political like my latest tattoo: Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes urinating into the mouth of Osama bin Laden. Makes you think, doesn’t it? Sincerely, Amanda Aikman The answers to your prayers, or at least your emails, await at lastcall_op@yahoo.ca.