Wi 20

 

 

   
 
  
  
  

Why won't you let Miss Aikman help
you with yo’ problems, Baby?
Miss Aikman loves ya, Baby. She does.

Submit yo’ worries away to
lastcall_op @ yahoo.com and see her
advice to you the following week.

Dig it baby. Dig it!

 

 

 

Last Call

Amanda Aikman, OP Columnist

 

Dear Amanda,
I have a big problem, so naturally I have turned to you
for help.

You see, recently, despite the fact that I have been
very busy with my full course load at school and the
two full-time jobs I have taken to support my three
developmentally challenged children, I have discovered
that my abusive, unemployed boyfriend has been sleep-
ing with my crack-addicted sister. So, my question is,
which programs should I be focusing on in this fall’s
exciting new primetime lineup?

Sincerely,
Tawnya Valentine

Dear 'T.V.,

Wow. I’m so glad you found the strength to write
me. It seems like everyone has been so preoccupied
with wars, floods, and fires lately, that nobody has both-
ered to focus on what’s really important. I applaud your
courage. Network television premieres are a really
important issue, yet all too often they get swept under
the rug because people are just too embarrassed to ask
for help. But you’ve taken the first step, good for you.
Now the healing can begin.

The important thing to remember when approach-
ing a new television season is that you’re going to
encounter a lot of crap. But that’s okay, because some-
where among the 38 new CST and Law and Order spin-
offs, the laugh-track laden flops like Freddie Prinze Jr.’s
cleverly named new sitcom Freddie, and the schmaltzy
embarrassing “reality” programs like the Amy Grant
hosted Three Wishes, there’s bound to be something
worth watching. Isn’t there?

Take My Name is Earl, for example. It stars Jason
Lee and he’s a likeable and amusing feature-film actor,
so it stands to reason that his new television sitcom
should be super awesome, right? Not necessarily. I
mean, Michael Rapaport is also a likeable and amusing
feature-film actor, yet his new program, The War at
Home, is a steaming pile of cringe-worthy clichés.

If you want to play it safe, you can avoid the brand-

 

new shows altogether and just go for the premieres of
returning, time-tested favourites like The Simpsons,

The Sopranos, and America’s Next Top Model. Whether
you're into animated satire, potty-mouthed Italians, or
leggy teens with eating disorders, you can’t go wrong
with these proven quality programs (oh, and because
those jerks at the New York Times spoiled the ending of
Six Feet Under for me, V’ll take my petty revenge by
revealing that Adriana gets whacked in the season of
The Sopranos that will be airing on CTV this fall, na na
na nana). Arrested Development and The Biggest Loser will
also be returning in 2005, good news for everyone who
likes to laugh at well-written comedy or fat people.

So there you have it T.V., the next time your abusive,
unemployed boyfriend is off getting jiggy with your
junkie sister, you can call in sick to your two jobs, ditch
the homework, put your three developmentally chal-
lenged kids to bed, fire up the television, and just take a
little time for yourself. You deserve it. We all deserve it.
God bless network television.

Sincerely,
Amanda Aikman