issue 16// vol 45 humour // no. 17

New parenting method recommends
releasing children into the wild

» Makes children healthy, bloodthirsty, lean

Isabelle Orr
Entertainment Editor

 

bee of Metro Vancouver
citizens were startled last
Tuesday at the sight of multiple packs
of children running wild through
national parks.

“I saw a boy carrying the head
of a coyote ona stick, smeared in
its blood,” a shaken John Tremblay
told reporters. “He was yelling
“SANCTUARY! and ripped out one of
his canines.”

Confused? Don't be. What
appeared to be an emotionally
scarring sight turns out to be yet
another yuppie child-rearing trend.

“This is the best one yet!”
Caroline Meyers, mother of Zach and
Daniel, said at a press conference.

Started by parents, what is now
known as the Feral Method (FM)
involves releasing one’s children into
the wild as early as five years of age.

“This way they learn all about the
hardships of the adult world,” Alex
Martin, father of Sage and Bristol,
explained. “When another kid comes
up and takes their sharpened stick
or choking rope, they'll realize that
there’s no use crying over it. They'll

have to move past it, get moving, and
hope that whoever stole it stands
under a big cliff that they can drop or
push a rock off of?

Martin hasn’t seen either of his
daughters in over two years. “There
were reports of them around Seattle,
but I’m not worried. I know that when
it’s their time to return, they will.
Hopefully wearing a necklace of the
teeth of their enemies. Otherwise,
what’s the point of returning home
at all?”

Meyers, an elementary school
teacher, explained that childhood
is the perfect time to introduce the
FM: “Children are extremely smart,
and while their brains are young and
pliable they can teach themselves
the skills they need to survive. This
includes finding running water,
braiding grass, and finding a blunt
object able to beat another child over
the face and upper body with”

Still, there are real dangers
surrounding the method.

“This way, only the strongest
children survive,” said Martin.

“T actually had a third daughter,
Marianne. She got taken by wolves
around the one-month mark. I love
my two remaining children very
much.”

Will you be saved

» Probably not!

Isabelle Orr
Entertainment Editor

   

Despite its growing
popularity, many argue that the
FM is child cruelty. However,
the practice’s advocates
disagree.

“What's crueler?” Martin
asked. “Letting your child
grow up ina sanitized, ‘safe’
environment that never
allows them to access their
primal state of being? Or
having their humanity
slowly ripped away from
them piece by piece, until
they area shell of their
formal selves? I know what
I would choose if I could go
back to my own childhood,”

Still worried about
the effects on child
development? Don’t
be! The FM has been
apocryphally proven to
yield great results.

“My friends Peter and
Joanne did this teaching
method with their son
Gabriel,” Meyers said in her
closing statements. “And
Gabriel is perfectly fine. In
fact, he has a nice, steady job asa
police officer.”

 

Illustration by Cara Seccafien

from mass extinction?

 

A re you contributing to the mass environmental degradation that will surely ruin our sole livable planet by the year 2040, or are you a pretty, pale green forest nymph? Take this
orest quiz to find out if you will burn in the eternal afterlife that will be our children’s futures when climate change destroys the Earth!

You see a can on the sidewalk.

Doyou:

a) pick up the can, bring it
home, wash it, then journey
on foot several miles to a
recycling plant where you can
personally ensure the can will
be recycled

b) toss it in an appropriately
labelled receptacle

c) walk past the litter on the
ground like the dog you are

Halloween arrives! Your

Youre invited to a potluck!

You bring:

a) locally sourced, farm-fresh
eggs cooked with ferns found
at the perimeters of your yard
to make a nice frittata

b) two family-sized bags of
Doritos and a 2L of Coke Zero

c) the flesh of adead animal
cruelly born and bred ina
factory farm, who knew only
a life of pain and suffering
and contributed to toxic gas
emissions, put on skewers to
make an alarmingly appealing
kebab

What luck! You find a large
sum of money on the ground.
You:

a) donate the money, and any
more you can possibly spare,
to environmental research
regarding orangutans or
koalas or something of that
nature

b) have a party and invite all your
friends

c) burn the money, laughing in
the face of what you perceive
to be “God” while also burning
a picture of your mother and
father and inhaling the fumes

costume is:

a) leaves (that have naturally
fallen to the forest floor)
woven with young, pliable
green wood to make a cape.
This is thrown across your
shoulders as you dance into
the night to celebrate the
spirits of the autumn night

b) sheet ghost

c) arubber Nixon mask because
just like Nixon you are a liar
and an imp and plus you
bought a mask that will lose
cultural relevancy with every
passing year and will remain
ina landfill until it is found by
our alien overlords

You really want the latest

and greatest sneaker, but you

don't have enough money

saved to justify the purchase.

Do you:

a) take a deep, calming breath
and remind yourself that
material objects only bind you
to the physical realm

b) use your credit card

c) hold up an elderly couple at
gunpoint and demand money
for the mass-produced, trendy
shoes that were most likely a
product of child labour and
laugh, laugh so hard you see
red and your nose begins to

bleed

 

MOSTLY “A’s

Congratulations! You are the embodiment of the goddess
Persephone. You sleep peacefully on your bed of boughs,
knowing that every single thing you do keeps you from
being blamed for global warming or pollution. Instead of
hair, you have young moss growing from the top of your

MOSTLY “B’s

head. Animals follow you around like a Disney princess.
You, too, will die when we suffer the consequences of

humankind’s actions.

While you try your best to be eco-conscious, you slip up
from time to time. That’s okay! What are a few cans in
the garbage when you and everyone you know is roasting
alive under the rapidly degrading ozone layer? Sleep well
tonight, champ!

MOSTLY “C’s

Day Burnings!

You really are just the worst. A scourge on society, you
actively attempt to contaminate Earth with chemical
substances. As we hurtle closer and closer to the end of
life as we know it, take comfort in the fact that no matter
what result you got in this quiz, we will all suffer the
same fate of being scorched to death in the Thousand

Photo by u/iam4real on Reddit