humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

Conservatives down and out

» Tories took a beating during last night’s match

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
© humour@theotherpress.ca

t was an exciting one

last night, as millions of
viewers across the country
tuned in to see who would
emerge victorious.

It’s not often you find a
match with three contenders,
but that’s what we were in for
as The Tory (blue trunks), The
Lib (red trunks), and That
Other Guy (a stylish orange
full piece wrestling singlet?)
took to the ring to determine
who would run our country
for the years to come.

This contest was truly a
bout for the record books.

The Lib came out swinging

: hard at the opening of round
: one, as the clock struck 8:30
; p.m. in the Maritime provinces.

There was no surprise

: here, as he has been known to

: dominate in the early stages. A
: spry young buck, that Lib is: full :
: of energy, and great hair too.

Round two saw more of a

: battle, with The Tory landing
: a few punches of his own.

: What turned out to be the

: most surprising development
: of the night was That Other
Guy huddled in the corner.

He really took a beating

off the start, and things
: didn’t look too good for
: him from there on out.

Our contest became a

battle of two, with The Tory—
: being the reigning champ—
: defending his title. He was

: ultimately the one to either
: reign supreme or be defeated.

Going into round three

The Lib just kept putting it
: on, floating like a flying V
: and stinging like a beaver.

Halfway through the

: match it was clear who the

: winner would be, but it

: was still to be determined

: whether The Lib would land a
: knockout blow, or if it would

: have to go to the officials.

The Other Guy, long out

: of the running for victor,

: managed to jump back in

: and land 20 or so jabs before
: returning to his corner.

Later in the bout, as

betting polls were closing in

: the prairie provinces, The Lib
: landed his finishing punches,
: knocking The Tory to the

: ground and taking the
: golden PM belt for his own.

Interestingly

: enough, betting polls
> in BC remained

: open even after the

: match was decided,

: allowing those West

: Coast gamblers to

: place their bets on

: the clear victor.

Fans of The Lib

: are elated with his

: victory, casting down

: the long standing champ
: and bringing ina new

: era for the sport.

It may be years until we

get another match of this

: intensity, though once we

: do we will see just who rises
: up to throw down with this
: new national champion.

 

 

Photoillustration

 

Trudeau wins federal election

» Opponents finally realize what he did to win

Alex Stanton
Staff Writer

n May of this year, the
Conservative Party released
what appeared to be fly-on-the-

wall footage of a panel of baby

boomers looking to hire the next :

great prime minister of Canada.

Although they didn’t realize :

that they alone didn’t actually
get to pick the head honcho
of the Canadian government,
the footage itself proved to

be extremely popular.

After about a minute of
mistakenly discussing whom
they'll hire as prime minister,
they dismissed Trudeau
2.0 for his inexperience,
reminding all watching that
leading the country is, in
fact, not an entry-level job.

But that was all changed
by a single, quiet, Indian
man of advanced age, and
his offhand quip about the
picture of Trudeau that was
included in the résumé that—
as it seems at this point—will
define how future leaders carry
themselves, and their country:

“Nice hair, though.”

It was the aesthetic
compliment heard round the
country, from the clear rivers
of British Columbia to the
polluted rivers of Ontario,
countrymen nodding their

heads in agreement as the words

echoed in their thoughts.
But Trudeau went further
than anyone expected, and

shocked the country by winning

the seat of prime minister.
Unknowingly, by winning

this election, Trudeau sent

a message to other aspiring

: politicians: even if you have no

: experience and can only acquire
: entry-level work, you can still

: become a leader of the free

: world if the average middle-aged
: woman finds your hair sexy.

We managed to get a word

: with Stephen Harper—leader of
: the Conservative government
: and Canada’s former prime

: minister for, like, adecade—and :
: the soft-spoken, intelligent,

: religiously-tolerant former

: leader knew without a doubt
: where he went wrong.

“It’s this stupid fucking

: hair,” lamented Harper,

: mistakenly believing we

: were off the record, as he ran
: his hands through his grey,

thinning locks. “I’m always a

: humble dude, so I’ll say this
: for sure: I made a bad call,

: and it cost me the election.

: Straight up. I get that I’m

> not even close to what can

: be called ‘traditionally’ good
: looking, but maybe if the top
: of my head didn’t look like a
: retirement castle for aging,

: limbless rodents, I could’ve
: come back and ruled the
: country for another 10 years.”

Trudeau’s father, Pierre

: Elliot Trudeau, could not be

: reached for comment at this

: time. Reliable sources of ours

: in Parliament tell us he’s been

: dead for around 15 years, but as
: of yet we can confirm nothing.

 

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